Jul. 13th, 2008

desertions: (Can Somebody Tell Me Now ~ Am I Alone In)
I love when my sister tells me that I shouldn't be sad about the anniversary of our Mother's death coming up. Since she's dealt with it, and found other mother figures, apparently, so should I. It's been three years. I didn't realize that after that, I wasn't supposed to be sad.

Never mind that I was closer to my Mother. Never mind that I was the one who had to calm her down every time my sister told her to die or refused to hug her. But no matter what Sheena did, my Mother always accepted it, like she thought she deserved to be treated like shit. And it makes me angry. My sister has no right to tell me that I'm overreacting. Especially when I was only mentioning in god damn passing that it was sort of just hitting me that the anniversary was coming up in a couple of weeks. That it doesn't feel like it's been that long, in some ways. In fucking passing and she makes a huge deal about it.

She constantly plays up her own problems and how much she's suffered, but it's like if I mention my own problems, I'm just being dramatic. Because I had it easy, apparently. I'm not saying I had it worse, but they were very different experiences. And frankly, she wasn't around for years and years, so she has no fucking idea what I've been through or what I'm going through now.

My grandma keeps lecturing me to tell my sister about my stint in the hospital, but what's the point. She'd never understand, she would just tell me that I was going to end up crazy like Mommy, like she has so many other times. It's just easier this way, you know?

Of course, my sister just praises my Grandma to no end these days. And acts like I'm just unreasonable about being upset with her at all. Any feeling I have is unreasonable, apparently.

And then she wonders why I never take up her offer to come stay with her and Justin for a weekend. Why would I want to spend a weekend with someone who constantly makes me feel like my own fucking feelings are invalid? Really, it just sounds like a barrel of fun. I can't wait.


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July 2017


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