Aug. 20th, 2008

desertions: (Fire and Ice)
It can be a risky thing, sometimes, looking back. The past week or so I've been doing alot of looking back at old entries (have I really had this thing since 2002? ) and books of poetry. I look back...and I wonder why anyone even wanted to be friends with me back in high school. Really, I was such a drama queen back then. Everything was woe as me and no one understands me and really a sign that I was only fifteen or sixteen when writing those entries. It's hard to even associate with the person who wrote those things, I feel so different now. Which I guess makes sense, I suppose it would be a problem if I hadn't grown up at all.

I thought of maybe deleting them, and just clearing out alot of that old stuff, but the more I think about it, the more I don't want to. I guess you can call me one of those oddly nostalgic people. I like reminders of who I've been and what's happened to me, even if some of it isn't stuff I'm particularly proud of. Because good or bad, all that stuff has had an impact on who I am today. So it seems almost foolish, the notion to just delete out of existence. But maybe I will privatize them, leave them for my own purposes and mine alone. I'm still pretty sure it's stuff I wouldn't want most people who know me now to see.

celebryu---->the_unvictim---->superkappa

Three names, and three different periods of my life. I kind of want to use that rename token I bought a while back, and start a new chapter. It feels like time. I feel like things are changing, and it can be scary, but for once, I want to try my best to meet it head on and fight, because I don't ever want to be that weak again.

I have wonderful friends, and I don't want to let them down like I have with people in the past. I want to be able to trust people again, and not feel so paranoid. There's no reason to be, at least not any truly legitimate ones. But it's hard sometimes, sorting out my own distortions from realities. But I'm working on it. So I guess all I can do is meet things the best I can, and accept help when it's offered. Things will be okay, one way or another. More than ever, I find it imperative to believe this. Perhaps it's because I know all too well what route I could go if I didn't.

Song of the Entry:

Clumsy by Our Lady Peace

Throw away the radio
Suitcase...Keeps you awake
Hide the telephone, the telephone
Telephone in case...You realize that
Sometimes your just not OK
You level out, level out, level out
It's not alright now...You need to understand
There's nothing strange about this

You need to know your friends...You need to know that

I'll be waving my hand
Watching you drown, watching you scream, quiet or loud

And maybe you should sleep
And maybe you just need...A friend
As clumsy as you've been there's no one laughing
You will be safe in here, you will be safe in here

Throw away this very old...shoe lace
Tripped you again
Try to shrug it off, shrug it off, shrug it off
Sow the skin now
You need to understand...there's nothing fake about this
You need to let me in...watching you and

I'll be waving my hand
Watching you drown, watching you scream, no one's around
And maybe you should sleep
And maybe you just need...A friend

As clumsy has you've been, there's no one laughing
You will be safe in here, you will be safe in...

I'll be wavin my hand...Watching you drown...
Watching you scream...Quiet or loud...
And maybe you should sleep
And maybe you just need...A friend
As clumsy as you've been, there's no one laughing
You will be safe in here, you will be safe in here...Yeah

You will be safe in here...in here...Yeah
in here...Yeah...in here...Yeah...in here...Yeah
in here...Yeah....in here...Yeah

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Katiepants

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