Aug. 29th, 2008

desertions: (Just Before We Do I Will Walk Away From)
I think I would rather just know I'm not going to be able to go then not know at all
I'm so anxious I can't sleep, and even keeping up normal conversation is a little harder. I can't imagine I've been too much fun to talk to these past few days.
I hate not knowing what's going to happen
I know at the latest, it'll be figured out by sometime next week, but that feels so long.

At least I have people who are really trying to help me. Uncle Matt told me if they try to take away my acceptance now, he'd go there and talk to them himself, there's that to be glad for, I suppose.

Part of me wants to try to sleep, but I'm pretty sure it'll only result in more tossing and turning. Maybe I'll take an Ativan first, see if that calms my nerves a little. I just want some rest from this insistent worry.

And yet all I can think is, if I don't go...then what happens? I can't stay here. I know that. But what do I do? That was my plan, going to UCR in a few weeks, moving to an apartment there, if that doesn't go through, what the fuck do I do then? That's all I can think of, it seems. The worry practically consumes me. I'm trying my hardest to believe it's all going to work out, but there's still tiny naggy voice that keeps saying I told you not to get your hopes up

Still, for once, this isn't my fuck up. I did everything they told me I was supposed to. And I did it well. And yet I still might get fucked over.

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Katiepants

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