Oct. 17th, 2008

desertions: (I'm lost without you)
It's funny, how I find myself feeling nostalgic about the time I spent in the hospital back in May. At least there...I felt safe. I didn't have to worry about responsibilities and letting people down and the millions of other thoughts that seem to be constantly flooding my brain. I was able to just be. I wonder sometimes if I should have taken the advice of my doctors there, and not gone to school. But where would I have gone? I didn't want to stay in that house, and it seemed like coming here,going to school was my only escape. A silly thought, I guess. But I felt so...trapped. In some ways I still do. I wonder if the house was really the trap or if it's something deeper inside me. All I know if that for the first time in a long time, I felt safe there. I cried when they told me I had to go home. I didn't want to deal with the real world. Some days? I still don't.

I hate when people tell me I just need to not dwell on things and not think about it so much. That I need to be happier, more cheerful, because lord knows, I try. I try to joke around and laugh and pretend things don't get to me as much as they do because I don't want to bring anybody else down with me. But don't act like this is easy. If this was easy to fix, don't you think I would have fixed it by now? Who the hell would chose to feel like this?

And you know, comparatively, there's not much bad going on in my life. Small things, like the break up and adjusting, but nothing huge. Even the initial pain of things with the break up I find healing over, and I know our friendship will survive, but somehow, it doesn't feel like enough. I wanted to go to college, to be on my own, didn't I? So what am I so afraid of? Why is there this overwhelming feeling of loss and inability to cope? I wish I knew. It keeps me up more often then I'd like to admit.

And I'm not writing this because woe is me or anything dramatic, it's just it's 7 am, I'm feeling thoughtful, and I feel like writing down my thoughts. Nothing more, and nothing less. Better out than in, right? But I guess...if you've never been truly depressed, if you've never dealt with anxiety and all this stuff, this is hard to understand.

I don't know. I'm rambling. Probably a sign I should go lie down and attempt some sleep.

Song of the Entry )

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Katiepants

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