desertions: (who is in control)
2017-07-23 04:51 am

and still you call me codependent; somehow you lay the blame on me

still here

still katie

i just felt like I needed a change. superkappa was a nickname from someone I haven't talked to in a long time, I don't really feel like that person anymore. I liked this name and it was free so there you go. nothing too exciting.

I guess that's a lie. I passed my exams in the spring. I got my masters, I graduated. I moved. I'm looking for work. Things are finally moving forward again after being pause for what feels like too long. I feel like a lot of my feelings about things are still catching up with me.

I wrote a letter to my uncle confronting about some family stuff, he came back super defensively and it was kinda nasty and hurtful, especially because I spent so long trying to phrase things as kindly and constructively as possible and that same respect wasn't given back. It's hard, mourning the idea of somebody.

I'm sad. I'm hurt. Mostly I'm pretty angry.

Some of my poems are being published in a local literary magazine soon. I'm pretty excited about that. I want to write more creatively again in general. I have a few short story ideas I want to work on. i've been jotting down quite a bit of poetry, not all of it great, it's been nice to do that kind of writing again.

I've gotten really, really into Wynonna Earp in the way that I have not felt fannish over something in a very long time. Maybe I'll ever try writing fic again. Who knows.
desertions: (It's a big big world and I'm a big big g)
2017-05-08 09:50 pm

So Believe In Me, Believe That I'll Let You Down

Is anybody out there?

I haven't updated in a while. I probably won't cross post to LJ anymore because that new user agreement is y i k e s. Anyway. It's been a while. A lot has happened and hasn't all at once. For the past two months are so I've been in almost constant, chronic pain. My hands have been swollen and aching and we can't seem to figure out what's wrong with me. The blood tests and xrays have all come back negative. I had an MRI done recently but I haven't heard the results yet. I don't feel like the rheumatologist I'm seeing is taking me very seriously and it's very frustrating. Very simple, every day things have become really difficult for me. I wake up in the morning and have to take at least twenty minutes just getting my fingers to a point where they can move.

It's really difficult.

It's not been the ideal situation for studying my exams but I'm managing the best I can. I'm worried things are going to be a repeat from last year, I feel like I'm still dragging myself out of that dark place and I don't want to end up there again.

We're also moving soon, finally. We found a place and it's nice enough. I feel bad there isn't a yard for Fynn. I feel bad about a lot of things.

I turned 30 a few weeks ago. I don't feel bad about that. I'm excited, honestly. My 20s kinda sucked overall anyway.

I don't know. I'm having a lot of feelings and not really the time or brainpower to process them at the moment.
desertions: (Fell like a girl from a balance beam)
2017-01-20 04:09 am

I'm A Modern Girl But I Fold In Half So Easily When I Put Myself In Pictures Of Success

I really wanted 2017 to be at least better than 2016 (which is honestly setting the bar low) but my grandma has gone in the hospital twice and has ongoing heart issues, she got fired from her job, they're throwing her under the bus and spreading false rumors about her, my dental bridge broke, I have other health issues, I'm still trying to move and I just got laid off today by email.

I feel so low on spoons. I am in a constant state of high stress and anxiety and it's crashing into sadness and hopelessness. And I can't afford t see my therapist more than twice a month right now so that sucks.

I need to start studying for my exams in the spring soon but it's hard when all this shit keeps happening and I have to do so much and I just feel like I am constantly struggling to keep my head up above water.
desertions: (Default)
2016-12-21 07:23 pm
Entry tags:

Secret Santa ] For Fern


Graphic is edited by me

Pawnee is the Best City In The World: A Parks and Recreation Fanmix

1. The Best Day of My Life - American Authors
2. On Top of the World - Imagine Dragons
3. Time After Time - Cyndi Laupher
4. Alone Together - Fall Out Boy
5. My Brilliant Feat - Collin Hay
6. Fucking Perfect - Pink
7. With Arms Outstretched - Rilo Kiley
8. Secret Bonus Song

the mix is here for your listening pleasure

I hope you like it and love it and I hope you have a great holiday and new year, I had a lot of fun making this!
desertions: (Falling is like this)
2016-11-03 01:12 pm

They Say That Home Is Where The Heart Is, I Guess I Haven't Found My Home

Wow, have I really not updated this since August? Time flies. Needless to say, I'm in a much better place than I was then. The new medication seems to be helping (other than some random nasty side effects before figuring out the right dose for me) a lot and my therapist even said she thought I could go back down to every other week. Which is good. It's nice...to not be constantly feeling miserable. Like there's still a lot of things to be stressed about it at least feels like a stress I can manage.

I hadn't gone through that bad of a depressive episode in years but it's good to be on the other side of it. It's weird to look back in my journal and some of the things I wrote because it just feels very...removed? It's hard to explain. But it really is such a difference in how I feel. . I think part of what helped too was being more transparent with the people around me of how I was feeling, I was really surprised by how much support I received, and how many people confined in me their own struggles as well, especially a lot of my classmates. It always helps to not feel alone, I guess.


I've been working at an afterschool program tutoring and teaching classes, it's not the kind of teaching I want to do long term but I don't need my masters finished for it and it's good experience to put on my resume. I'm glad I put off retaking my exams, ultimately, there's no way I would have been ready to take them this month.

I'm also looking to move out on my own soon -- assuming I can find a place I can afford that will also let me keep my dog. Which is proving tricky. I've put out feelers to see if anyone I know needs a roommate but so far, no luck. I'll just have to keep looking.

Random fannish stuff:

I went to Leakycon in October and it was one of the best fan experiences I've ever been into. So now I'm listening to Stephen Fry's audiobooks of Harry Potter because I hadn't listened to them before. I've missed Hogwarts. I am, however, really grossed out about the idea of Johnny Depp playing Grindewald in the Fantastic Beasts movies. Can't win them all, I guess.

Season 3 of From Dusk Till Dawn wasn't my favorite but overall still pretty enjoyable, and if that ends up being the finale of the series it could be worse.

I've been really enjoying The Good Place and No Tomorrow as far as new series this season go.


I need this election period to be done with and for a maniac to not be president at the end of it. I don't ask for much, really.

Also I fell down some stairs in Union Station the other day and sprained my ankle. I have all the clumsiness of a romcom protagonist with none of the meet cutes, I swear.
desertions: (It's a big big world and I'm a big big g)
2016-08-18 02:16 am

And The Rain Falls On The Wrong Year And It Won't Leave You Alone

Hi everybody (hi, doctor nick)

I wish I could say I was doing better. I'm not, really, but I'm hopefully going to get there soon. I'm going to see a new psychiatrist to talk about going back on medication, at least for a while. My depression has gotten to a point where it's really impeding on my ability to function and my will to live -- which sounds dramatic when I type it out but there we go.

I mean, it's not all bad. In July I got to go to Hawaii which was really nice if not bittersweet because originally it was supposed to be a graduation present. So. A little awkward. But I tried to enjoy it as much as possible. Sometimes that meant sitting on a beach side by myself crying which makes me think I should be in some sort of teen drama or something but there you go. I'm trying, and that's something.

I'm probably not going to take the exams again until the spring. I was supposed to retake them this fall and I'm in now shape to study the way I need to, let alone perform under that kind of pressure. We only get two chances to take it and I want to do it again with the best possible results, which in this case might mean taking time off to take care of myself. But I am going to talk to the disabilities office and see what kind of accommodations I can get for my anxiety -- something I should have done a long time ago.

In my inability to do much else I've been lying in bed and consuming a lot of media. I finally finished Harry Potter and the Cursed Child (which while some of it was a little silly it was not nearly the disaster out of context spoilers made it out to be). I also watched season 3 of Bojack Horseman (probably the worst show to watch when already depressed but oh well, misery loves company sometimes, at least I'm not as destructive as Bojack), the first season of Mr. Robot (which I really liked more than I expected despite my favorite female character dying in like the first six episodes or so) and the first season of Stranger Things (which was more enjoyable than I expected though I am not quite into it as much as some people are. I liked Nancy a lot though -- probably partly because the actress who played her looks eeringly like Crystal Reed).

I also watched The Little Prince and it was really beautiful and I am still so bitter it didn't get theater release here.

That's most of it, I guess. I'm not doing great but I'm trying to do better. Some days, that's easier than others.
desertions: (Fell like a girl from a balance beam)
2016-05-11 12:25 am

Panic is coming on strong so cold from the inside out

my comprehensive exams are on thursday.

the stress and anxiety is real, you all.
desertions: (My empire of dirt)
2015-11-28 12:50 pm

Holiday Cards 2K15

Do you want holiday cards from a Katie? Leave your info here, comments will be screened.

desertions: (A feeling I buried in you)
2014-11-22 06:14 pm

Holiday Cards 2K14!!!!

Do you want holiday cards from a Katie? Leave your infor here, comments will be screened.

desertions: (With Your Halo Slipping Down)
2008-12-25 02:01 pm

Now You Stand Reborn Before Us All

Merry Christmas!

Heading out soon for Christmas Dinner at Suu's, but entertain yourself with a fanvid I made last night.



Sylar's "redemption arc" done to The Noose by A Perfect Circle :3
desertions: (:<)
2008-12-24 10:13 pm

Here Comes The Cold Again, I Feel It Closing In

It's the middle of the family Christmas celebration and I can't stop crying
I'm so afraid someone is going to find me in here and ask why I'm so upset.
Because I don't even know what to say.
What's wrong with me?
I have no reason to be so upset, and yet, every little thing is setting me off.
desertions: (music)
2008-12-23 06:25 pm

River by Joni Mitchell

It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace

Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
But it don't snow here
It stays pretty green
I'm going to make a lot of money
Then I'm going to quit this crazy scene

I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I made my baby cry

He tried hard to help me
You know, he put me at ease
And he loved me so naughty
Made me weak in the knees
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I'm so hard to handle
I'm selfish and I'm sad

Now I've gone and lost the best baby
That I ever had
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I made my baby say goodbye


It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
desertions: (I Could Be Love And Sweetness If I Had Y)
2008-12-22 05:12 am

But Home Is A Feeling I Buried In You

All in all, I'm glad this year is almost done with. It's been a long one.

Find myself feeling thinky and reflective...but not bad. These past few days staying at Kelsey's has been like a breath of fresh air. While being at home was more like I was choking.

I wish I hadn't left my Ativan at home though, especially with going to the mall tomorrow and all. I try to just work through the panic attacks myself when I can, but sometimes it's really hard. But I'm not going to psyche myself out. No good in that.
desertions: (Things You See In A Graveyard)
2008-12-20 08:14 pm

The Most Dashing Pantie Stashing

Jesus Christ Superstar was amazing. fewfgr Such a good performance. The stage, costumes, lighting and acting, it was all put together so well. Ted Neeley was defininetly getting too old to play Jesus though. It made the scenes between him and Mary Magdalene seem pedoriffic :| And our Judas. GUH GUH GUH. His voice was so fucking awesome, I had to buy his cd afterwards, I might of died without it. Seriously guys you don't even know

James Delisco. Check his stuff out seriously.

And he was so nice when he signed my cd *^*

Now to continue getting my stuff together. Suu time tonight. And Kelsey. And Little Tokyo tomorrow. So much happy.

Also. The more I listen to the Repo! The Genetic soundtrack, the more I realize Shilo and The Repo man are like a more fucked up version of Claire and HRG. Hurr.

Edit: Suu's flight was canceled D: STUPID SNOW
desertions: (:<)
2008-12-20 12:40 pm

With Your Halo Slipping Down To Choke You Now

I wonder if she can see anything up from that pedestal she has herself on
desertions: (Bathtime With Tenpou :D)
2008-12-20 04:03 am

Meme~

The first TEN people to comment in this post get to request a drabble of any pairing/character of their choosing from me. In return, they have to post this in their journal, regardless of their ability level. If you absolutely can't write, I don't see why you wouldn't be able to offer drawings or icons or something instead.
desertions: (No Day But Today)
2008-12-20 01:29 am

(no subject)

So, rewatching through episodes of Seasons 1 and 2 of Heroes (I bought the DVDs today as an early Christmas present to myself) makes me realize just how crazy the writing has been this season. Oh how I only hope Volume 4 will make some more sense.

Also. Except lots of screencapping and iconing from me. Guh. Season 1 Sylar <3
desertions: (Getting Lost In The Rain)
2008-12-18 02:58 pm

I Used To Be The Smart One, Sharp As A Tack

So a B in my Acting Class
A B in my Stage Design class
and a C in my history of Theater class.

+_+ All in all, could have been better, but could have been worse.

In other news, the throwing up as stopped, but my body still hurts from it. I can't remember the last time my stomach felt so sore. I should probably eat at some point, but I'm a little scared to.

And, and I got my card from [livejournal.com profile] sohma today. It was so cute, it made me smile despite all the pain. Especially the random little horse drawing X3
desertions: (Ew)
2008-12-18 03:16 am

And There's No Fight In My Flight

Vomiting so hard that it comes out your nose and you start crying because it hurts so bad?

Not my idea of fun.