![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
I Never Thought I Would Just Bend This Way
Mar. 1st, 2020 12:05 pmI think what I have to let go of, some way or another, is the idea that things are ever going to go back to normal -- because the normal I had before doesn't exist anymore. Grief gets easier in time, as does trauma, and I know I'll survive this, as I've survived a lot worse, but I can never go back to the person I was before all of this happened.
I'm not the Katie I was before I watched my grandma died. Before I had to fight with her sons at every avenue to try to honor her wishes, and often fail. The Katie who then, eight days later, lost her dog and constant companion too. I don't know who this new version of me is just yet, but I'm trying to stitch her together and give her time to figure it out.
Yesterday was really hard. It was the last day to clear out the house. Because my uncles dragged their feet on a bunch of stuff, I had to watch as my grandma's stuff got thrown into a truck to be dumped. Some of it was being taken to be donated to a good local charity that helps the homeless, at least, but a lot of the rest of it just got tossed.
Like it was just trash. Like it didn't mean anything.
It was gutting.
I'm also having trouble with my health insurance -- my coverage changed and now one of my antidepressants it's almost unaffordable to me -- but supposedly my doctor should be able to talk them into lowering it so it counts as a lower tier drug. I really don't want to have to try switching medications right now when I'm already not doing well. The American healthcare system blows.
I'm not the Katie I was before I watched my grandma died. Before I had to fight with her sons at every avenue to try to honor her wishes, and often fail. The Katie who then, eight days later, lost her dog and constant companion too. I don't know who this new version of me is just yet, but I'm trying to stitch her together and give her time to figure it out.
Yesterday was really hard. It was the last day to clear out the house. Because my uncles dragged their feet on a bunch of stuff, I had to watch as my grandma's stuff got thrown into a truck to be dumped. Some of it was being taken to be donated to a good local charity that helps the homeless, at least, but a lot of the rest of it just got tossed.
Like it was just trash. Like it didn't mean anything.
It was gutting.
I'm also having trouble with my health insurance -- my coverage changed and now one of my antidepressants it's almost unaffordable to me -- but supposedly my doctor should be able to talk them into lowering it so it counts as a lower tier drug. I really don't want to have to try switching medications right now when I'm already not doing well. The American healthcare system blows.
