I Can Still Feel You Even So Far Away...

[desertions]

Here I am again, still forging on
People always tell me that they're amazed at all I can cope with
But sometimes, I get so sick of coping you know?
It seems like nothing ever works out the way I want it to
And that's just really hard to deal with right now

I don't even know how I fell in love with him, or when
But I do know why
He was the first person who made me feel like I wasn't this big fucked up mess
That beyond all my problems there was someone who was worth caring about, or even loving
I relaize, yes, he didn't love me.
But he made me realize that maybe, someday, probably one far from now, someone will
For that alone, going out with him was worth it
He's a good person, someday, I hope he finds the right person for him, whoever they might be.
I know it's not me
And believe it or not, I'm beginning to become okay with it

Was the breakup hurtful?
Yes.
I've dealt with loss and rejection before, but this one was very different from the rest.
But I realize that I was pretty smothering and clingy after a while, and if he wasn't feeling it
Well, it was probably better in the long run, you know?
At least now we can salvage our friendship
Maybe not right away, but eventually

Apparently he didn't show up at the dinner thingy for Rachel, so I could of gone
But I still may of ran into him at some point, and that would of been really rough
I respect that he doesn't love me, but that unfortunetly doesn't make my feelings less intense
I am in intense person, I always have been
I never half think or half feel things
It's either all or nothing
My coping mecanisms are not the best ones, I realize
But I am trying to find better ways to cope, slowly but surely

Still, kinda wish I had gone, sounded like they were having alot of fun
The cellphone was passed around and I got to talk to several of the people, many asking why I didn't come
I told them next time, though that still depends alot on where I am emotionally

I put alot into this relationship, probably more then I should of
I used it as a support when everything else felt like it was falling to peices
I used to as my glue
Thus it being removed, and me falling apart
This is not my first time doing something like this, but probably one of the worst cases

I don't even know if it was even him as it was this idea I had in my head of what's it was supposed to be like
I created this picture perfect world image of us in my head and stuck with it
Even though there were so many signs that all was not well in paradise
People told me to break up with him
I even kinda felt that he didn't have the same feelings
Yet I kept deluding myself otherwise
Why?
Because I wanted to so believe that I was wrong

But I still have learned alot from this relationship, and for that alone, I should be glad
Yes, it hurts sometimes, but it is a generally good idea to let people in, otherwise you'll never feel real happiness
People can like me. I used to think that other then a few incidents with online people, this was not possible
I don't need to cling to people to make them stay, they'll leave anyways if they truley want to.
In fact, my unconcious clinginess and codependcy was probably one of the many things that led to our breakup
So even though I feel crushed at the same time, I feel growing confidence for next time, if that makes any sense at all

I dunno, this all made alot more sense in my head, but better in then out, that's what I always say
Okay, so I don't, but it kinda makes sense...
This is probably the last time I'll dedicate a whole entry to this topic, because there's not much left to say on the subject
The ending sucked, but all in all, it was a good experience

Life will move on, as it always does
And I will cope, like I always do

In other news, I got a suprise Root Canal today
Not fun, not at all, I need to take better care of my teeth...
Depression really made me slack on alot of this important stuff
Gots to be better about that...
Don't want to be toothless at 30...

Also got my pupils dilated today when being checked for eye infections and stuff...
All clear there apparently, though it did leave my vision blurry for a few hours >.<
Still adjusting to the new glasses.
Everyone says they fit me, but personally, I have no clue...

Hmm, maybe I should sleep before going to get all my books and stuff?
But not tired!
Besides which, I still need to pack for this weekends many excursions...
Hmm..


Song of The Entry:

The Great Below
by Nine Inch Nails

Staring at the sea
Will she come?
Is there hope for me
After all is said and done
Anything at any price
All of this for you
All the spoils of a wasted life
All of this for you
All the world has closed her eyes
Tried faith all worn and thin
For all we could have done
And all that could have been

Ocean pulls me close
And whispers in my ear
The destiny I've chose
All becoming clear
The currents have their say
The time is drawing near
Washes me away
Makes me disappear

I descend from grace
In arms of undertow
I will take my place
In the great below

I can still feel you
Even so far away

Trent always has a way of touching me...
God I can't wait for the next Nine Inch Nails album to come out...