desertions: (who is in control)
Title: It'll Be Quite a Shock to Breath This Air, to Discover Loss
Fandom: Wynonna Earp
Summary: Wynonna never wanted to be a mother. Wynonna-centric with slight Wyndoc leanings and reference to Wyndolls as well
Ratings: PG-13
Word Count: 1140
Author's note: Apparently the last real fanfic I wrote back in 2014 which is wild to me, time flies, huh? I don't know what this is other than word vomit. I literally don't even know where to crosspost anymore.

So when your new eyes see mine they see no lies, just love )
desertions: (who is in control)

image made by [personal profile] paperskin thank you ella for contributing

1. Coin Operated Boy by the Dresden Dolls
Made of plastic and elastic
He is rugged and long lasting
Who could ever ever ask for more?
Love without complications galore

2. Gimme Danger by Iggy Pop and the Stooges
Now, if you will be my lover
I will shiver and sing
But if you can't be my master
I will do anything
There's nothing left alive
But a pair of glassy eyes
Raise my feelings one more time

3. Use Somebody (cover) by Bat For Lashes
Someone like you, and all you know, and how you speak
Countless lovers under cover of the street
You know that I could use somebody

4. Fireproof by the National
You tell me you’re waiting
To find someone
Who isn’t so hopeless
But there’s no one

5. Lover I Don't Have to Love (cover) by Bettie Serveert
But you but you
You write such pretty words
But life's no story book
Love's an excuse to get hurt
And to hurt
"Do you like to hurt?"
"I do! I do!"
"Then hurt me."

6. Hold Onto Me by Placebo
And my behavior is hard to understand
When I'm like a phone with no connection
But I'm still doing all I can
To try and get me some redemption
And I'm knee deep in sinking sand
Crying out for your attention
Kindly lend a helping hand
For once defy convention

7. Toxic (Cover) by Yael Naim
It's getting late
To give you up
I took a sip
From my devil's cup
Slowly, it's taking over me
Too high
Can't come down
It's in the air and it's all around
Can you feel me now?

8. Okay I Believe You, But My Tommy Gun Don't by Brand New
Handsome and smart
Oh, my tongue's the only muscle in my body that works harder than my heart
And it's all from watching tv
And from speeding up my breathing
Wouldn't stop if I could
Oh, it hurts to be this good
You're holding on to your grudge
Oh, it hurts to always have be honest with the one you love
Oh, so let it go

9. Sorry by Halsey
I run away when things are good
And never really understood
The way you laid your eyes on me
In ways that no one ever could
And so it seems I broke your heart
My ignorance has struck again
I failed to see it from the start
And tore you open 'til the end

10. Over and Over by Evans Blue
You better see how evil you can be
When you see my evil smile
It's the one that you'll remember when I am not so kind
Can't you see that this is death and death is saving me
I say burn all your bridges while you still have control of the flame
I know it's hard but you...
Tell me, over and over and over and over and over again
It never was time for us, it never was time to let me in

11. Weak (cover) by K's Choice
(And) now I sit here I`m all alone
So here sits a bloody mess, tears fly home
A circle of angels, deep in war
`Cause I wanted you
Weak as I am, no tears for you

12. Deep Inside Of You by Third Eye Blind
I've never felt alone
'Till I met you
I'm all right on my own
And then I met you
And I'd know what to do if I just knew what's coming
I would change myself if I could
I'd walk with my people if I could find them

13. Touch by Daughter
Love hunt me down
I can't stand to be so dead behind the eyes
And feed me, spark me up
A creature in my blood stream chews me up
So I can feel something
So I can feel something

14. If You Don't, Don't by Jimmy Eat World
If you don't know, honey
Why'd you just say so?
'cause I need this now
More than I ever did
If you don't know, honey
Then you don't

15. Baker, Baker by Tori Amos
know you're late
For you next parade
You came to make sure
That I'm not running
Well I ran from him
In all kinds of ways
Guess it was his turn this time

16. Between the Bars by Elliot Smith
Drink up with me now
And forget all about
The pressure of days
Do what I say
And I'll make you okay
And drive them away
The images stuck in your head

playlist here

Happy Birthday, Tami!
desertions: (who is in control)
still here

still katie

i just felt like I needed a change. superkappa was a nickname from someone I haven't talked to in a long time, I don't really feel like that person anymore. I liked this name and it was free so there you go. nothing too exciting.

I guess that's a lie. I passed my exams in the spring. I got my masters, I graduated. I moved. I'm looking for work. Things are finally moving forward again after being pause for what feels like too long. I feel like a lot of my feelings about things are still catching up with me.

I wrote a letter to my uncle confronting about some family stuff, he came back super defensively and it was kinda nasty and hurtful, especially because I spent so long trying to phrase things as kindly and constructively as possible and that same respect wasn't given back. It's hard, mourning the idea of somebody.

I'm sad. I'm hurt. Mostly I'm pretty angry.

Some of my poems are being published in a local literary magazine soon. I'm pretty excited about that. I want to write more creatively again in general. I have a few short story ideas I want to work on. i've been jotting down quite a bit of poetry, not all of it great, it's been nice to do that kind of writing again.

I've gotten really, really into Wynonna Earp in the way that I have not felt fannish over something in a very long time. Maybe I'll ever try writing fic again. Who knows.
desertions: (It's a big big world and I'm a big big g)
Is anybody out there?

I haven't updated in a while. I probably won't cross post to LJ anymore because that new user agreement is y i k e s. Anyway. It's been a while. A lot has happened and hasn't all at once. For the past two months are so I've been in almost constant, chronic pain. My hands have been swollen and aching and we can't seem to figure out what's wrong with me. The blood tests and xrays have all come back negative. I had an MRI done recently but I haven't heard the results yet. I don't feel like the rheumatologist I'm seeing is taking me very seriously and it's very frustrating. Very simple, every day things have become really difficult for me. I wake up in the morning and have to take at least twenty minutes just getting my fingers to a point where they can move.

It's really difficult.

It's not been the ideal situation for studying my exams but I'm managing the best I can. I'm worried things are going to be a repeat from last year, I feel like I'm still dragging myself out of that dark place and I don't want to end up there again.

We're also moving soon, finally. We found a place and it's nice enough. I feel bad there isn't a yard for Fynn. I feel bad about a lot of things.

I turned 30 a few weeks ago. I don't feel bad about that. I'm excited, honestly. My 20s kinda sucked overall anyway.

I don't know. I'm having a lot of feelings and not really the time or brainpower to process them at the moment.
desertions: (Fell like a girl from a balance beam)
I really wanted 2017 to be at least better than 2016 (which is honestly setting the bar low) but my grandma has gone in the hospital twice and has ongoing heart issues, she got fired from her job, they're throwing her under the bus and spreading false rumors about her, my dental bridge broke, I have other health issues, I'm still trying to move and I just got laid off today by email.

I feel so low on spoons. I am in a constant state of high stress and anxiety and it's crashing into sadness and hopelessness. And I can't afford t see my therapist more than twice a month right now so that sucks.

I need to start studying for my exams in the spring soon but it's hard when all this shit keeps happening and I have to do so much and I just feel like I am constantly struggling to keep my head up above water.
desertions: (Default)

Graphic is edited by me

Pawnee is the Best City In The World: A Parks and Recreation Fanmix

1. The Best Day of My Life - American Authors
2. On Top of the World - Imagine Dragons
3. Time After Time - Cyndi Laupher
4. Alone Together - Fall Out Boy
5. My Brilliant Feat - Collin Hay
6. Fucking Perfect - Pink
7. With Arms Outstretched - Rilo Kiley
8. Secret Bonus Song

the mix is here for your listening pleasure

I hope you like it and love it and I hope you have a great holiday and new year, I had a lot of fun making this!
desertions: (Falling is like this)
Wow, have I really not updated this since August? Time flies. Needless to say, I'm in a much better place than I was then. The new medication seems to be helping (other than some random nasty side effects before figuring out the right dose for me) a lot and my therapist even said she thought I could go back down to every other week. Which is good. It's not be constantly feeling miserable. Like there's still a lot of things to be stressed about it at least feels like a stress I can manage.

I hadn't gone through that bad of a depressive episode in years but it's good to be on the other side of it. It's weird to look back in my journal and some of the things I wrote because it just feels very...removed? It's hard to explain. But it really is such a difference in how I feel. . I think part of what helped too was being more transparent with the people around me of how I was feeling, I was really surprised by how much support I received, and how many people confined in me their own struggles as well, especially a lot of my classmates. It always helps to not feel alone, I guess.

I've been working at an afterschool program tutoring and teaching classes, it's not the kind of teaching I want to do long term but I don't need my masters finished for it and it's good experience to put on my resume. I'm glad I put off retaking my exams, ultimately, there's no way I would have been ready to take them this month.

I'm also looking to move out on my own soon -- assuming I can find a place I can afford that will also let me keep my dog. Which is proving tricky. I've put out feelers to see if anyone I know needs a roommate but so far, no luck. I'll just have to keep looking.

Random fannish stuff:

I went to Leakycon in October and it was one of the best fan experiences I've ever been into. So now I'm listening to Stephen Fry's audiobooks of Harry Potter because I hadn't listened to them before. I've missed Hogwarts. I am, however, really grossed out about the idea of Johnny Depp playing Grindewald in the Fantastic Beasts movies. Can't win them all, I guess.

Season 3 of From Dusk Till Dawn wasn't my favorite but overall still pretty enjoyable, and if that ends up being the finale of the series it could be worse.

I've been really enjoying The Good Place and No Tomorrow as far as new series this season go.

I need this election period to be done with and for a maniac to not be president at the end of it. I don't ask for much, really.

Also I fell down some stairs in Union Station the other day and sprained my ankle. I have all the clumsiness of a romcom protagonist with none of the meet cutes, I swear.
desertions: (It's a big big world and I'm a big big g)
Hi everybody (hi, doctor nick)

I wish I could say I was doing better. I'm not, really, but I'm hopefully going to get there soon. I'm going to see a new psychiatrist to talk about going back on medication, at least for a while. My depression has gotten to a point where it's really impeding on my ability to function and my will to live -- which sounds dramatic when I type it out but there we go.

I mean, it's not all bad. In July I got to go to Hawaii which was really nice if not bittersweet because originally it was supposed to be a graduation present. So. A little awkward. But I tried to enjoy it as much as possible. Sometimes that meant sitting on a beach side by myself crying which makes me think I should be in some sort of teen drama or something but there you go. I'm trying, and that's something.

I'm probably not going to take the exams again until the spring. I was supposed to retake them this fall and I'm in now shape to study the way I need to, let alone perform under that kind of pressure. We only get two chances to take it and I want to do it again with the best possible results, which in this case might mean taking time off to take care of myself. But I am going to talk to the disabilities office and see what kind of accommodations I can get for my anxiety -- something I should have done a long time ago.

In my inability to do much else I've been lying in bed and consuming a lot of media. I finally finished Harry Potter and the Cursed Child (which while some of it was a little silly it was not nearly the disaster out of context spoilers made it out to be). I also watched season 3 of Bojack Horseman (probably the worst show to watch when already depressed but oh well, misery loves company sometimes, at least I'm not as destructive as Bojack), the first season of Mr. Robot (which I really liked more than I expected despite my favorite female character dying in like the first six episodes or so) and the first season of Stranger Things (which was more enjoyable than I expected though I am not quite into it as much as some people are. I liked Nancy a lot though -- probably partly because the actress who played her looks eeringly like Crystal Reed).

I also watched The Little Prince and it was really beautiful and I am still so bitter it didn't get theater release here.

That's most of it, I guess. I'm not doing great but I'm trying to do better. Some days, that's easier than others.
desertions: (Fell like a girl from a balance beam)
my comprehensive exams are on thursday.

the stress and anxiety is real, you all.
desertions: (My empire of dirt)
Do you want holiday cards from a Katie? Leave your info here, comments will be screened.

desertions: (A feeling I buried in you)
Do you want holiday cards from a Katie? Leave your infor here, comments will be screened.

desertions: (With Your Halo Slipping Down)
Merry Christmas!

Heading out soon for Christmas Dinner at Suu's, but entertain yourself with a fanvid I made last night.

Sylar's "redemption arc" done to The Noose by A Perfect Circle :3
desertions: (:<)
It's the middle of the family Christmas celebration and I can't stop crying
I'm so afraid someone is going to find me in here and ask why I'm so upset.
Because I don't even know what to say.
What's wrong with me?
I have no reason to be so upset, and yet, every little thing is setting me off.
desertions: (music)
It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace

Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
But it don't snow here
It stays pretty green
I'm going to make a lot of money
Then I'm going to quit this crazy scene

I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I made my baby cry

He tried hard to help me
You know, he put me at ease
And he loved me so naughty
Made me weak in the knees
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I'm so hard to handle
I'm selfish and I'm sad

Now I've gone and lost the best baby
That I ever had
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I made my baby say goodbye

It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
desertions: (I Could Be Love And Sweetness If I Had Y)
All in all, I'm glad this year is almost done with. It's been a long one.

Find myself feeling thinky and reflective...but not bad. These past few days staying at Kelsey's has been like a breath of fresh air. While being at home was more like I was choking.

I wish I hadn't left my Ativan at home though, especially with going to the mall tomorrow and all. I try to just work through the panic attacks myself when I can, but sometimes it's really hard. But I'm not going to psyche myself out. No good in that.
desertions: (Things You See In A Graveyard)
Jesus Christ Superstar was amazing. fewfgr Such a good performance. The stage, costumes, lighting and acting, it was all put together so well. Ted Neeley was defininetly getting too old to play Jesus though. It made the scenes between him and Mary Magdalene seem pedoriffic :| And our Judas. GUH GUH GUH. His voice was so fucking awesome, I had to buy his cd afterwards, I might of died without it. Seriously guys you don't even know

James Delisco. Check his stuff out seriously.

And he was so nice when he signed my cd *^*

Now to continue getting my stuff together. Suu time tonight. And Kelsey. And Little Tokyo tomorrow. So much happy.

Also. The more I listen to the Repo! The Genetic soundtrack, the more I realize Shilo and The Repo man are like a more fucked up version of Claire and HRG. Hurr.

Edit: Suu's flight was canceled D: STUPID SNOW
desertions: (:<)
I wonder if she can see anything up from that pedestal she has herself on


Dec. 20th, 2008 04:03 am
desertions: (Bathtime With Tenpou :D)
The first TEN people to comment in this post get to request a drabble of any pairing/character of their choosing from me. In return, they have to post this in their journal, regardless of their ability level. If you absolutely can't write, I don't see why you wouldn't be able to offer drawings or icons or something instead.
desertions: (No Day But Today)
So, rewatching through episodes of Seasons 1 and 2 of Heroes (I bought the DVDs today as an early Christmas present to myself) makes me realize just how crazy the writing has been this season. Oh how I only hope Volume 4 will make some more sense.

Also. Except lots of screencapping and iconing from me. Guh. Season 1 Sylar <3
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