I Never Thought I Would Just Bend This Way

[desertions]

I think what I have to let go of, some way or another, is the idea that things are ever going to go back to normal -- because the normal I had before doesn't exist anymore. Grief gets easier in time, as does trauma, and I know I'll survive this, as I've survived a lot worse, but I can never go back to the person I was before all of this happened.

I'm not the Katie I was before I watched my grandma died. Before I had to fight with her sons at every avenue to try to honor her wishes, and often fail. The Katie who then, eight days later, lost her dog and constant companion too. I don't know who this new version of me is just yet, but I'm trying to stitch her together and give her time to figure it out.

Yesterday was really hard. It was the last day to clear out the house. Because my uncles dragged their feet on a bunch of stuff, I had to watch as my grandma's stuff got thrown into a truck to be dumped. Some of it was being taken to be donated to a good local charity that helps the homeless, at least, but a lot of the rest of it just got tossed.

Like it was just trash. Like it didn't mean anything.

It was gutting.

I'm also having trouble with my health insurance -- my coverage changed and now one of my antidepressants it's almost unaffordable to me -- but supposedly my doctor should be able to talk them into lowering it so it counts as a lower tier drug. I really don't want to have to try switching medications right now when I'm already not doing well. The American healthcare system blows.

Comments

[alamo]

because the normal i had before doesn't exist anymore

it's not the same situation by any means, but i get this. not being the you that you were before x traumatic/life changing event happened and not knowing who you are on the other side of it. accepting that your once normal is no longer an achievable normal is really hard, but it's a big step in the healing processes and figuring out who are in the here and now. i'm sorry you have to go through any of this, and that your uncles have been such selfish assholes about everything.

the american health care system is the worst. i'm crossing my fingers and hoping your doctor is able to wrangle your insurance company for you. 🤞

[desertions]

it's actually remembering you talking about that which helped me come to that realization, at least in part anyway. this is the new normal, so to speak, and you have to learn to adjust, live, and hopefully do more than just survive in it. it's been hard, but it helps to know people understand, at least on some level.

now, not from an rp journal

[alamo]

that was something we learned about in our bereavement sessions and it took me a while to wrap my head around — which the counselors who led the sessions said it likely would for a lot of us. but once it hits you, you get it. and it really sucks to get it. it's a painful and depressing stepping stone, but a step forward towards the new you. it's not what you had, but it's better than where you've been in the aftermath. i hope you get there eventually, as all this has just been needlessly unfair and i would fly out to california and knock your uncles' heads together if i had the funds to do it.

[desertions]

i'm sure i will eventually if there is....any upside, i suppose, to having the history i do it's that i've survived a lot of other traumatic shit and come out the other side eventually -- it's the eventually part that's hard, because how long that's going to take is anyone's guess. it's different for every trauma, every person, etc, and the aftermath of all this has been as traumatic as the loss itself, which really, really hasn't been helpful but apparently I've been related to robots and never realized it.

[alamo]

i know you will, eventually. but eventually doesn't always come about fast, but you already know all of this ♥