desertions | Recent Entries

It feels like for the first time in a while, things are turning around. I don't write in this regularly but for the past....eight months or so I was stuck in a really toxic/abusive roommate relationship. It was to the point where I barely ate or left my room and had nearly had panic attacks every time she texted me as that was her main form of harassing and verbally assaulting me, and it would often go until late in the evening. No matter what I tried to do, she was never happy, and was convinced I was ruining her home, even though I wasn't. And any defense or boundary I tried to put up was just me "making excuses" or doing "mental gymnastics". I think people throw around the term gaslighting a little too loosely these days, but that's how I felt. The day I came back for the last of my furniture she screamed at me and verbally abused me in front of my movers. It was horrible and embarrassing all at once. It was also telling she didn't try to do this the day I got the majority of my stuff, when my sister and friends were there. She waited until I was more alone.

Luckily, with some help from my family I was able to move out. I live further into LA than I'd ideally like, but I have a little studio, and it's mine, and me and Pax (my cat) are so much happier here.

I also started a new job this week. I'm working at APAIT, which is a non-profit that originally was created to serve Asian and Pacific Islanders with HIV/AIDS but has really broadened the groups it helps over the past thirty years. As my associate number hasn't come in yet I'll be working as a case manager like position for a transitional house for homeless trans women. Once I get my number I'll move into a therapist role. I'm really excited, honestly. The organization seems really great and so far everyone seems super nice.

I've never been this completely on my own before and it's scary, but it's also exciting. Though man...working in person again is a trip. I have lost my ability for small talk in the past two years. Though I did meet someone who does Tumblr rp and we bonded pretty quickly over dumb fandom stuff, so that was fun. It's been a lot thrown at me at once, but I think I'm handling it okay. Better than I expected.

Things are a little tight financially right now as moves are expensive and I needed a lot of stuff for the apartment, but I know that won't be forever. Nothing is forever.

Current Mood: okay
Current Music: "Wave Across the Bay" Frank Turner

There's a lot going on, good and bad, but for just this moment, I want to focus on something big and good:

Despite how....challenging and sometimes downright awful the past two years have been, I still graduated with my second masters, this time in Clinical Psychology. I got glowing remarks about my clinical work from my supervisors. Now I just need to wait for my school to send me the stuff I need to send off to the BBS so I can get my associate number and start working.

I think it's so easy with how much bad there's been to forget my own accomplishments. So this is me, trying not to do that. The other stuff I'll figure out. Right now I want to savor a win.

Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: "Sum of Our Parts" Mary Lambert

Hey I just bought a bunch of John Oliver stamps to help the post office so I want to put them to good use and send out some cards in these trying times. If you'd like one, please leave your address here, everything will be screened.

Things have been pretty bad these past few weeks -- well I mean, they've been bad for months now, but new kinds of bad, I guess. The isolation is definitely not doing any of us any good. There's five of us in the house. My cousins, Jason and Wendy, gave up their bedroom so I could move in when my grandma died, and they sleep in the living room now. I feel like Wendy has begun to resent it -- even though it was something she offered and insisted was okay. I know it's been really hard on them not having their own space....but the hostility just makes me feel unwelcome and like I have to stay in my room.

Which is not great.

Last night I went to get water and when I did Wendy was in the kitchen and she seemed annoyed I was there -- because she and Jason were fighting -- which I hadn't heard, if I had I would have stayed in the room. But I just felt so guilty and uncomfortable I went to my room and waited to come back out later to get my water.

I get that money is tight, it's stressful having two teens home all the time suddenly too but I just...I don't know. I miss living someplace where I didn't feel like I had to walk around on eggshells all the time. I miss feeling like I have a phone. And I've talked to my sister a little about it and about finding another solution -- but that can't really happen until lockdown/isolation is lifted....and who knows when that will be. I just hate feeling like I'm taking up space or getting in people's way. I help with groceries and utilities. I clean around the kitchen, cook a lot of meals, I contribute. I'm trying my best but I still feel like an outsider. It reminds me a lot of when I was a kid, and not in a good way.

I'm just so sad and lonely all the time. I cried more of yesterday than I didn't. And it's supposed to rain most of this week which means even going out for walks to get out of the house...will be hard.

At least my classes start back up this week, though digitally now. It's not much, but it's something. Some structure that might be helpful. I don't know. Things have been so relentless since December on. I'm just so fucking tired.

Current Mood: lonely
Current Music: "Until I'm Fine" K's Choice

Last time I posted, I talked about how I was trying to figure out the new normal -- well, it seems for now the new normal is self-isolation and a fucking pandemic. California is more or less under complete lockdown. I'm turning 33 this year, the age my dad died, and having a fucking pandemic spreading as that approaches, well it sucks, to say the least.

I was supposed to be visiting a friend this week. It was the one thing I've been looking forward to during the shit storm that's been these past three months, and I had to cancel it. And I get it, like the bigger picture and the health of society in general is more important, but man has my mental health been tanking. Especially since I'm on break between school quarters right now, so I don't even have coursework to distract myself.

I'm trying to find ways to keep busy. I've started doing yoga -- I've only done it two days so far, but I'm going to try to keep up and do at least five to ten minutes a day. I did my first D&D run on discord with some friends, and that was really fun. I'm trying to keep myself busy, but the free time and isolation gives me way too much time to start sinking into the grief that feels like it wants to drown me.

There's still more family drama going on around the inheritances but I don't even want to talk about it.

It's funny, everyone always tells me how strong I am, I don't feel strong lately. I feel like I'm holding myself together with badly sewn stitches, and any moment now, I might come apart.

Current Mood: gloomy
Current Music: "Grey" Ani Difranco

I think what I have to let go of, some way or another, is the idea that things are ever going to go back to normal -- because the normal I had before doesn't exist anymore. Grief gets easier in time, as does trauma, and I know I'll survive this, as I've survived a lot worse, but I can never go back to the person I was before all of this happened.

I'm not the Katie I was before I watched my grandma died. Before I had to fight with her sons at every avenue to try to honor her wishes, and often fail. The Katie who then, eight days later, lost her dog and constant companion too. I don't know who this new version of me is just yet, but I'm trying to stitch her together and give her time to figure it out.

Yesterday was really hard. It was the last day to clear out the house. Because my uncles dragged their feet on a bunch of stuff, I had to watch as my grandma's stuff got thrown into a truck to be dumped. Some of it was being taken to be donated to a good local charity that helps the homeless, at least, but a lot of the rest of it just got tossed.

Like it was just trash. Like it didn't mean anything.

It was gutting.

I'm also having trouble with my health insurance -- my coverage changed and now one of my antidepressants it's almost unaffordable to me -- but supposedly my doctor should be able to talk them into lowering it so it counts as a lower tier drug. I really don't want to have to try switching medications right now when I'm already not doing well. The American healthcare system blows.

Current Mood: melancholy
Current Music: "4 am" Our Lady Peace

I keep opening this to update people on things, and I never know what to say. Things continue to be really shitty. I'm so angry all the time. And when I'm not angry I'm devastatingly sad. Which I guess is par for the course.

My uncles, the other heirs, have been so shitty about handling things, and now we have so much to do in such a short amount of time (my grandma had been renting a house and the owner needs it cleared out by the end of this month so she can start renting it out to someone else) and it's so frustrating because my sister and I had been doing well about it, and then we were told like a month ago we couldn't do anything else and now suddenly it's like THERE'S SO MUCH WE NEED TO DO

Yeah, no shit. I've been saying this for weeks. If you had just let us take care of things, they would be done by now.

My one uncle just cared about selling shit and making money, even dissolving my grandma's business and legacy if it meant more coin.

The other is trying to keep the peace, so to speak, but also refusing to take a stand when he needs to.

I'm not sure why I'm more mature than two men who are over forty years older than me, but I'm over it.

Somehow, I'm surviving school this quarter. Honestly, I think the distraction is helpful. It's also a great excuse when I need to put up boundaries with my uncles.

Mostly though, I just feel really lonely lately. I miss my grandma. I miss my dog. I miss feeling like I had a home. I miss a lot of things.

I've gotten really into the The Witcher lately, first the netflix series, and now I'm playing one of the games. I think I needed fantasy nonsense I couldn't relate to my own life at all. It's helping fill that void, if nothing else.

Current Mood: lonely
Current Music: "Above the Clouds of Pompeii" Bear's Den

I wish I could say things have been going better. Since my last post my dog died too, and there's been a lot of family drama because my grandma didn't write a will and I feel like so much of it got left on my plate, and now people are getting angry at me when they didn't try to help at all.

Because my dad died, I'm legally treated as one of the three heirs but one of my uncles and both of their wives definitely see me and my grief as lesser than, even though I was the one living with my grandmother, even though she raised me, even though I was taking care of her. Even though I'm the one who witnessed her fall and stroke. Who saw her mind begin to dissolve in seconds.

I'm so angry all the time. Except when I'm tired and sad. I'm so sad and lonely and the one thing that used to comfort me no matter what (Fynn) is gone too.

I moved fairly quickly into my cousin Jason and Wendy's house -- I couldn't stay in that house anymore. I was going to lose my mind. People are acting like I was trying to just steal a bunch and leave....but that would never, ever be my intention and it hurts that people would see me like that, even though I try to remember that everyone is in pain right now. I don't even have the energy to go into the details but it's been pretty nasty, to say the least.

I'm keeping up with school okay though, surprisingly. It's good to have the distraction, I think, though the family systems class is really rough, for obvious reasons. Weirdly enough though, I had a reminder of why I decided to go down the MFT route -- one of my classmates was having a panic attack and I immediately jumped in and even though it was wearing when I was already in not great shape, it felt good to help her. And I could tell it meant so much to her that someone noticed what was going on, that someone cared. I want to help people. I want to help them feel seen and heard.

It's weird to think it's been over a month since she died now, since everything started going to hell. I miss her so much. I miss Fynn so much. I miss my parents. My grandpa. I'm so, so tired of losing people.

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: "Death Thing" Amanda Palmer

( content warning: death, stroke, grief )

Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: "What Sarah Said" Deathcab For Cutie

I never thought I would be dragged back into Greg/Rebecca hell, even with the actor being recast, but here we are in 2019 and this is my life now. There is something about this dynamic that is just kryptonite for me

How many times will Crazy Ex-Girlfriend break my heart? We just don't know.

But for now I have:

( spoilers! )

Current Mood: blank

1. Rewrite the Stars from The Greatest Showman
How do we rewrite the stars?
Say you were made to be mine?
Nothing can keep us apart
Cause you are the one I was meant to find
It's up to you
And it's up to me
No one can say what we get to be
Why don't we rewrite the stars?
Changing the world to be ours

2. About Today by the National
Today you were far away
and I didn't ask you why
What could I say
I was far away
You just walked away
and I just watched you
What could I say
How close am I to losing you

3. Delicate by Damien Rice
We might kiss when we are alone
When nobody's watching
We might take it home
We might make out when nobody's there
It's not that we're scared
It's just that it's delicate

4. Even Though Our Love is Doomed by Garbage
And even though our love is doomed
And even though we're all messed up
We're still waiting for tomorrow
We're still aching for tomorrow
And even though our love is cruel
And even though our stars are crossed
You're the only thing worth fighting for
You're the only thing worth dying for

5. Perfect for You from Next to Normal
But even if everything else turns to dirt
We'll be the one thing in this world that wont hurt.
I can't fix what's fucked up
But one thing I know I can do
I can be perfect for you

6. Old College Try by the Mountain Goats
From the cities to the swamplands
From the highways to the hills
Our love has never had a leg to stand on
From the aspirins to the cross-tops to the Elavils
But I will walk
Down to the end with you
If you will come
All the way down with me

7. School Night by Ani Difranco
and you'll never know, dear
just how much i loved you
you'll probably think this was
just my big excuse
but i stand committed
to a love that came before you
and the fact that i adore you
is but one of my truths

8. Simple Together by Alanis Morissette
If I had a bill for all the philosophies I shared
If I had a penny for all the possibilities I presented
If I had a dime for every hand thrown up in the air
My wealth would render this no less severe
I thought we'd be genius together
I thought we'd be healing together
I thought we'd be growing together
Thought we'd be adventurous together
But I was sadly mistaken

9. I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You by Colin Hay
I drink good coffee every morning
Comes from a place that's far away
And when I'm done I feel like talking
Without you here there is less to say
Don't want you thinking I'm unhappy
What is closer to the truth
If I lived till I was a hundred and two
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

10. Wish That You Were Here by Florence + The Machine
And I never minded being on my own
Then something broke in me and I wanted to go home
To be where you are
But even closer to you, you seem so very far
And now I'm reaching out with every note I sing
And I hope it gets to you on some pacific wind
Wraps itself around you and whispers in your ear
Tells you that I miss you and I wish that you were here

Happy Birthday, Ella. My gift is the gift of making us both sad, I guess.

Happy Birthday, Emily! For your birthday I made you a fanmix of our favorite culebra and conman (more inspired by villagers stuff than strictly canon). If the embedded player doesn't work you can follow the link here

Tracklist

1. Wasp Nest by The National
Your eyes are broken bottles
And I'm afraid to ask
And all your wrath and cutting beauty
You're poison in the pretty glass
You're a wasp nest, you're a wasp nest

2. Hot Knife by Fiona Apple
If I'm butter, if I'm butter,
If I’m butter, then he's a hot knife,
He makes my heart a cinemascope screen
Showing the dancing bird of paradise.

I'm a hot knife, I'm a hot knife,
I'm a hot knife, he's a pat of butter.
If I get a chance, I'm gonna show him that
He's never gonna need another, never need another.

3. Sad Eyes by Bat for Lashes
I can tell that you're lonely
But it seems now
There's nothing you want me to do
So I won't try to take the sadness from those eyes that I love
Leave it open for someone else to

And when you smile those sad eyes
Look sadder and sadder still

4. That's What's Up by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes
You be the book, I'll be the binding
You be the words, I'll be the rhyming
While I was feeling such a wreck I thought I was losing my mind
While I was feeling such a mess I thought the sun never shined
You be the bird, I'll be the feather
We'll be the best of friends forever
While I was feeling such a mess I thought you'd leave me behind
While I was feeling such a wreck I thought you'd treat me unkind
Then I'll find forever and always
You've got my love to lean on darling

5. I'll Believe in Anything by Wolf Parade
We've both been very brave
Walk around with both legs
Fight the scary day
We both pull the tricks out of our sleeves

But I'll believe in anything
And you'll believe in anything

6. I'm an Animal by Neko Case
Pick up that rock (drink from that lake)
I do my best but I'm made of mistakes
Yes, there are things I'm still quite sure of
I love you this hour
This hour today
And heaven will smell like the airport (airport)
But I may never get there to prove it
So let's not waste our time thinking how that ain't fair

I'm an animal
You're an animal, too

7. Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michaelson
I want to change the world
Instead I sleep
I want to believe in more than you and me

But all that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now

8. Play Crack the Sky by Brand New
What they call love is a risk, cause you will always get hit out of nowhere by some wave and end up on your own.
The hole in the hull defied the crews attempts to bail us out.
And flooded the engines and radio and half buried bow.
Your tongue is a rudder.
It steers the whole ship.
Sends your words past your lips or keeps them safe behind your teeth.
But the wrong words will strand you.
Come off course while you sleep.
Sweep your boat out to sea or dashed to bits on the reef.

9. The Dress Looks Nice On You by Sufjan Stevens
I can see a lot of life in you
I can see a lot of bright in you
And I think the dress looks nice on you
I can see a lot of life in you

I can see a bed and make it too
I can see a fireside turn blue
And I can see the lot of life in you
Yes, I can see a lot of life in you

10. Melt Your Heart by Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins
And we've lost the people we could have loved, and you...
What you know you have or what you think you want
It's never perfect

It's bound to melt your heart
One way or another
It's bound to melt your heart
For good or for bad
It's like a valentine
From your mother
It's bound to melt your heart

Are we killing time?
Are we killing each other?

you can also follow the link here

Tracklist:

1. Do Anything by Mary Lambert
Here I wait
Brush against my skin
I feel the waves
Of every open door
I could have stayed
I could have stayed and been fine
I could have stayed

2. Girl by Tori Amos
She crawls
Clutching her faded photograph
My image under her thumb
Yes with a message for my heart
She's been everybody else's girl
Maybe one day she'll be her own
Everybody else's girl
Maybe one day she'll be her own

3. Virgin State of Mind by K's Choice
There's a chair in my head on which I used to sit
Took a pencil and I wrote the following on it
Now there's a key where my wonderful mouth used to be
Dig it up, throw it at me
Dig it up, throw it at me
Where can I run to, where can I hide
Who will I turn to now I'm in a virgin state of mind

4. I'm Fine by Kimya Dawson
Milli vanilli met liza minelli
They got really giddy acted all silly
Sang me a song I didn't understand
And I started to fly in slow motion
Flew to the bottom unplugged the ocean
Embossed and frosted and toasted and tanned
With your cock on my sleeve, my heart in your hand
And I am fine, I'm fine, I'm fine
I am fine, I'm fine, I'm fine

5. In the Rough by Anna Nalick
I got your love letters
I threw them all away
And I hear you think that I'm crazy
I'm driving 95
And I'm driving you away
And I shine a little more lately
Someday love will find me in the rough
Someday love will finally be enough

6. Fight Song by Rachel Platten
And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time?

7. Try by Colbie Caillat
You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

8. In My Mind by Amanda Palmer
And it's funny how I imagined
That I could be that person now
But that's not what I want
But that's what I wanted
And I'd be giving up somehow
How strange to see
That I don't wanna be the person that I want to be

9. Changes (Cover) by Cristin Milioti
Strange fascination, fascinating me
Changes are taking the pace
I'm going through
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes

10. This is Me by Kesha
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

I made you a playlist/fanmix for Nora/Fallout 4 in general. if the player doesn't work you can also follow the link.

Tracklist:

1. Everybody Knows (cover) by Amanda Palmer
And everybody knows that it's now or never
Everybody knows that it's me or you
And everybody knows that you live forever
Ah when you've done a line or two
Everybody knows the deal is rotten
Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton
For your ribbons and bows
And everybody knows

2. The Day the Whole World Went Away by Nine Inch Nails
I'd listen to the words he'd say
But in his voice I heard decay
The plastic face forced to portray
All the insides left cold and gray
There is a place that still remains
It eats the fear it eats the pain
The sweetest price he'll have to pay
The day the whole world went away

3. Ain't No Rest for the Wicked by Cage the Elephant
Oh there ain't no rest for the wicked
Money don't grow on trees
I got bills to pay, I got mouths to feed
There ain't nothing in this world for free
Oh no, I can't slow down, I can't hold back
Though you know, I wish I could
Oh no there ain't no rest for the wicked
Until we close our eyes for good

4. Sweet Child O' Mine (cover) by Post Modern Jukebox
Where do we go?
Where do we go now?
Where do we go?
Sweet child o' mine

5. Iron Man by Nico Vega
You are relentless in the way that you know me
And I'm a sheep when it comes to explain'
I wish that I could keep you happy
I wish that I could keep you young
Please forgive me for the distance
But I'm an Iron Man
I'm an Iron Man

6. In Our Bedroom After the War by Stars
Lift your head and look out the window
Stay that way for the rest of the day and watch the time go
Listen! The birds sing! Listen! The bells ring!
All the living are dead, and the dead are all living
The war is over and we are beginning...

7. Down By the Water by PJ Harvey
I lost my heart
Under the bridge
To that little girl
So much to me
And now I'm old
And now I holler
She'll never know
Just what I found

8. Hunter by Bjork
You could smell it
so you left me on my own
to complete the mission
now I'm leaving it all behind

I'm going hunting
I'm the hunter...

9. This is Why We Fight by the Decembrists
Come the war
Come the avarice
Come the war
Come hell
Come attrition
Come the reek of bones
Come attrition
Come hell
This is why
Why we fight
Why we lie awake
And this is why
This is why we fight

10. Wish You Were Here (cover) by Rasputina

Did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
Did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

11. Up the Wolves by The Mountain Goats
There's going to come a day when you feel better
You'll rise up free and easy on that day
And float from branch to branch, lighter than the air
Just when that day is coming, who can say, who can say?

12. Hold On, Hold On by Neko Case
The most tender place in my heart is for strangers
I know it's unkind but my own blood is much too dangerous
Hangin' round the ceiling half the time
Hangin' round the ceiling half the time
Compared to some I've been around
But I really tried so hard
That echo chorus lied to me with its
"Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on"

Do you want holiday cards from a Katie? Leave your infor here, comments will be screened.

Title: It'll Be Quite a Shock to Breath This Air, to Discover Loss
Fandom: Wynonna Earp
Summary: Wynonna never wanted to be a mother. Wynonna-centric with slight Wyndoc leanings and reference to Wyndolls as well
Ratings: PG-13
Word Count: 1140
Author's note: Apparently the last real fanfic I wrote back in 2014 which is wild to me, time flies, huh? I don't know what this is other than word vomit. I literally don't even know where to crosspost anymore.

( So when your new eyes see mine they see no lies, just love )

Current Mood: sad
Current Music: "No Lies, Just Love" Bright Eyes

image made by

paperskin thank you ella for contributing

1. Coin Operated Boy by the Dresden Dolls
Made of plastic and elastic
He is rugged and long lasting
Who could ever ever ask for more?
Love without complications galore

2. Gimme Danger by Iggy Pop and the Stooges
Now, if you will be my lover
I will shiver and sing
But if you can't be my master
I will do anything
There's nothing left alive
But a pair of glassy eyes
Raise my feelings one more time

3. Use Somebody (cover) by Bat For Lashes
Someone like you, and all you know, and how you speak
Countless lovers under cover of the street
You know that I could use somebody

4. Fireproof by the National
You tell me you’re waiting
To find someone
Who isn’t so hopeless
But there’s no one

5. Lover I Don't Have to Love (cover) by Bettie Serveert
But you but you
You write such pretty words
But life's no story book
Love's an excuse to get hurt
And to hurt
"Do you like to hurt?"
"I do! I do!"
"Then hurt me."

6. Hold Onto Me by Placebo
And my behavior is hard to understand
When I'm like a phone with no connection
But I'm still doing all I can
To try and get me some redemption
And I'm knee deep in sinking sand
Crying out for your attention
Kindly lend a helping hand
For once defy convention

7. Toxic (Cover) by Yael Naim
It's getting late
To give you up
I took a sip
From my devil's cup
Slowly, it's taking over me
Too high
Can't come down
It's in the air and it's all around
Can you feel me now?

8. Okay I Believe You, But My Tommy Gun Don't by Brand New
Handsome and smart
Oh, my tongue's the only muscle in my body that works harder than my heart
And it's all from watching tv
And from speeding up my breathing
Wouldn't stop if I could
Oh, it hurts to be this good
You're holding on to your grudge
Oh, it hurts to always have be honest with the one you love
Oh, so let it go

9. Sorry by Halsey
I run away when things are good
And never really understood
The way you laid your eyes on me
In ways that no one ever could
And so it seems I broke your heart
My ignorance has struck again
I failed to see it from the start
And tore you open 'til the end

10. Over and Over by Evans Blue
You better see how evil you can be
When you see my evil smile
It's the one that you'll remember when I am not so kind
Can't you see that this is death and death is saving me
I say burn all your bridges while you still have control of the flame
I know it's hard but you...
Tell me, over and over and over and over and over again
It never was time for us, it never was time to let me in

11. Weak (cover) by K's Choice
(And) now I sit here I`m all alone
So here sits a bloody mess, tears fly home
A circle of angels, deep in war
`Cause I wanted you
Weak as I am, no tears for you

12. Deep Inside Of You by Third Eye Blind
I've never felt alone
'Till I met you
I'm all right on my own
And then I met you
And I'd know what to do if I just knew what's coming
I would change myself if I could
I'd walk with my people if I could find them

13. Touch by Daughter
Love hunt me down
I can't stand to be so dead behind the eyes
And feed me, spark me up
A creature in my blood stream chews me up
So I can feel something
So I can feel something

14. If You Don't, Don't by Jimmy Eat World
If you don't know, honey
Why'd you just say so?
'cause I need this now
More than I ever did
If you don't know, honey
Then you don't

15. Baker, Baker by Tori Amos
know you're late
For you next parade
You came to make sure
That I'm not running
Well I ran from him
In all kinds of ways
Guess it was his turn this time

16. Between the Bars by Elliot Smith
Drink up with me now
And forget all about
The pressure of days
Do what I say
And I'll make you okay
And drive them away
The images stuck in your head

playlist here

Happy Birthday, Tami!

still here

still katie

i just felt like I needed a change. superkappa was a nickname from someone I haven't talked to in a long time, I don't really feel like that person anymore. I liked this name and it was free so there you go. nothing too exciting.

I guess that's a lie. I passed my exams in the spring. I got my masters, I graduated. I moved. I'm looking for work. Things are finally moving forward again after being pause for what feels like too long. I feel like a lot of my feelings about things are still catching up with me.

I wrote a letter to my uncle confronting about some family stuff, he came back super defensively and it was kinda nasty and hurtful, especially because I spent so long trying to phrase things as kindly and constructively as possible and that same respect wasn't given back. It's hard, mourning the idea of somebody.

I'm sad. I'm hurt. Mostly I'm pretty angry.

Some of my poems are being published in a local literary magazine soon. I'm pretty excited about that. I want to write more creatively again in general. I have a few short story ideas I want to work on. i've been jotting down quite a bit of poetry, not all of it great, it's been nice to do that kind of writing again.

I've gotten really, really into Wynonna Earp in the way that I have not felt fannish over something in a very long time. Maybe I'll ever try writing fic again. Who knows.

Current Mood: sad
Current Music: "Medication" Garbage

Is anybody out there?

I haven't updated in a while. I probably won't cross post to LJ anymore because that new user agreement is y i k e s. Anyway. It's been a while. A lot has happened and hasn't all at once. For the past two months are so I've been in almost constant, chronic pain. My hands have been swollen and aching and we can't seem to figure out what's wrong with me. The blood tests and xrays have all come back negative. I had an MRI done recently but I haven't heard the results yet. I don't feel like the rheumatologist I'm seeing is taking me very seriously and it's very frustrating. Very simple, every day things have become really difficult for me. I wake up in the morning and have to take at least twenty minutes just getting my fingers to a point where they can move.

It's really difficult.

It's not been the ideal situation for studying my exams but I'm managing the best I can. I'm worried things are going to be a repeat from last year, I feel like I'm still dragging myself out of that dark place and I don't want to end up there again.

We're also moving soon, finally. We found a place and it's nice enough. I feel bad there isn't a yard for Fynn. I feel bad about a lot of things.

I turned 30 a few weeks ago. I don't feel bad about that. I'm excited, honestly. My 20s kinda sucked overall anyway.

I don't know. I'm having a lot of feelings and not really the time or brainpower to process them at the moment.

Current Mood: sad
Current Music: "You Won't Know" Brand New

I really wanted 2017 to be at least better than 2016 (which is honestly setting the bar low) but my grandma has gone in the hospital twice and has ongoing heart issues, she got fired from her job, they're throwing her under the bus and spreading false rumors about her, my dental bridge broke, I have other health issues, I'm still trying to move and I just got laid off today by email.

I feel so low on spoons. I am in a constant state of high stress and anxiety and it's crashing into sadness and hopelessness. And I can't afford t see my therapist more than twice a month right now so that sucks.

I need to start studying for my exams in the spring soon but it's hard when all this shit keeps happening and I have to do so much and I just feel like I am constantly struggling to keep my head up above water.

Current Mood: exhausted
Current Music: "Pictures of Success" Rilo Kiley

Profile

Katiepants

February 2022

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Page Summary

I was tired but I wasn't sleeping
we are, we are, more than the sum of our parts
cards
And I Feel Guilty As I Sigh, I'm Feeling Guilty, Why Do I?
But As Bad I Am, I'm Proud of The Fact, I'm Worse Than I Seem
I Never Thought I Would Just Bend This Way
don't cry, hold your head up high, she would want you to
isn't it funny what a person can get used to
But I'm Thinking Of What Sarah Said, That "Love is Watching Someone Die"
Oh My God, I Think I Like You
No One Can Rewrite the Stars: A Nate/Amaya Fanmix
i just kept thinking about you: kisa/seth
Birthday Present For Shia: I Could Have Stayed And Been Fine: A Waverly Earp Fanmix
Secret Santa gift for Hannah
Holiday Gift Cards 2k17
Fanfic: It'll Be Quite a Shock to Breath This Air, to Discover Loss
You're Exactly Like Me: A Wynonna Earp/Doc Holliday Fanmix
and still you call me codependent; somehow you lay the blame on me
So Believe In Me, Believe That I'll Let You Down
I'm A Modern Girl But I Fold In Half So Easily When I Put Myself In Pictures Of Success

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someone will love you

that someone isn't me

Recent Entries

I was tired but I wasn't sleeping

we are, we are, more than the sum of our parts

cards

And I Feel Guilty As I Sigh, I'm Feeling Guilty, Why Do I?

But As Bad I Am, I'm Proud of The Fact, I'm Worse Than I Seem

I Never Thought I Would Just Bend This Way

don't cry, hold your head up high, she would want you to

isn't it funny what a person can get used to

But I'm Thinking Of What Sarah Said, That "Love is Watching Someone Die"

Oh My God, I Think I Like You

No One Can Rewrite the Stars: A Nate/Amaya Fanmix

i just kept thinking about you: kisa/seth

Birthday Present For Shia: I Could Have Stayed And Been Fine: A Waverly Earp Fanmix

Secret Santa gift for Hannah

Holiday Gift Cards 2k17

Fanfic: It'll Be Quite a Shock to Breath This Air, to Discover Loss

You're Exactly Like Me: A Wynonna Earp/Doc Holliday Fanmix

and still you call me codependent; somehow you lay the blame on me

So Believe In Me, Believe That I'll Let You Down

I'm A Modern Girl But I Fold In Half So Easily When I Put Myself In Pictures Of Success