But As Bad I Am, I'm Proud of The Fact, I'm Worse Than I Seem

[desertions]

Last time I posted, I talked about how I was trying to figure out the new normal -- well, it seems for now the new normal is self-isolation and a fucking pandemic. California is more or less under complete lockdown. I'm turning 33 this year, the age my dad died, and having a fucking pandemic spreading as that approaches, well it sucks, to say the least.

I was supposed to be visiting a friend this week. It was the one thing I've been looking forward to during the shit storm that's been these past three months, and I had to cancel it. And I get it, like the bigger picture and the health of society in general is more important, but man has my mental health been tanking. Especially since I'm on break between school quarters right now, so I don't even have coursework to distract myself.

I'm trying to find ways to keep busy. I've started doing yoga -- I've only done it two days so far, but I'm going to try to keep up and do at least five to ten minutes a day. I did my first D&D run on discord with some friends, and that was really fun. I'm trying to keep myself busy, but the free time and isolation gives me way too much time to start sinking into the grief that feels like it wants to drown me.

There's still more family drama going on around the inheritances but I don't even want to talk about it.

It's funny, everyone always tells me how strong I am, I don't feel strong lately. I feel like I'm holding myself together with badly sewn stitches, and any moment now, I might come apart.

Comments

[alamo]

one of the first things i learned in bereavement sessions/training in the wake of sutherland springs was that it is absolutely okay to not feel strong and that anyone who tells you otherwise is wrong. you've been through so much, katie, and it's only natural that you feel it getting to you. this pandemic hit at the worst possible time, and it's alright to feel bogged down by it and all the limitations on "daily life" that have been put in place around it. this is a shitty, sucky time and i can't imagine how awful it must be for you in particular.

i know it's not the same as being able to hang out with someone in person, but i'm going to be working from home for the next two weeks (at the very least, per governor's orders) and will thus pretty much be online 24/7 since we have to maintain normal hours and be available during them. just hit me up if you want to talk. i should have discord up since i'm not on the school wifi while working from home, but imessage is also there. i can do tags and such around work, easily, too. ♥

[desertions]

yeah, i know people mean well when they say things like that, but yeah, needless to say i don't feel strong lately. the past few months having been so hellish and hard and then...a pandemic on top of it, being put on house arrest with four other people (two of them being teenagers, and one of them being one who is really struggling with his own mental health issues) has been a lot. I don't think it helps that it keeps raining so even options of like going out and walking are often out of question.

talking to people online definitely helps too! it's not the same as seeing people in person, but it's still way better than not communicating at all. i will definitely hit you up and making we could figure out some fun or easy threads to do. ❤️