don't cry, hold your head up high, she would want you to

[desertions]

I keep opening this to update people on things, and I never know what to say. Things continue to be really shitty. I'm so angry all the time. And when I'm not angry I'm devastatingly sad. Which I guess is par for the course.

My uncles, the other heirs, have been so shitty about handling things, and now we have so much to do in such a short amount of time (my grandma had been renting a house and the owner needs it cleared out by the end of this month so she can start renting it out to someone else) and it's so frustrating because my sister and I had been doing well about it, and then we were told like a month ago we couldn't do anything else and now suddenly it's like THERE'S SO MUCH WE NEED TO DO

Yeah, no shit. I've been saying this for weeks. If you had just let us take care of things, they would be done by now.

My one uncle just cared about selling shit and making money, even dissolving my grandma's business and legacy if it meant more coin.

The other is trying to keep the peace, so to speak, but also refusing to take a stand when he needs to.

I'm not sure why I'm more mature than two men who are over forty years older than me, but I'm over it.

Somehow, I'm surviving school this quarter. Honestly, I think the distraction is helpful. It's also a great excuse when I need to put up boundaries with my uncles.

Mostly though, I just feel really lonely lately. I miss my grandma. I miss my dog. I miss feeling like I had a home. I miss a lot of things.

I've gotten really into the The Witcher lately, first the netflix series, and now I'm playing one of the games. I think I needed fantasy nonsense I couldn't relate to my own life at all. It's helping fill that void, if nothing else.

Comments

[alamo]

i wish i could pop several states over to just shake your uncles and make them act their ages and help you out with all this. it's so unfair, that they're leaving so much for you to sort out and that the one just cares about making a profit off this. straight up bullshit. you shouldn't have to deal with any of this, especially while you're dealing with school and trying to move on with your life. i'm so sorry you have to deal with them — with any of this.

[desertions]

I try not to make it a gender thing, but man I think a lot about how the 30-something woman has more emotional capacity and maturity to deal with this shit than two 60-70 year old men. I'm not surprised though. I did more for my grandma when she was alive too -- why would it be any different now?

[alamo]

you really did do so much for her, and it's a shame that they won't step up to the plate. that they never really did step up to the plate.

[desertions]

i feel like she knew they wouldn't too -- the one will we found she left everything to me and my sister. but she didn't sign it or get it notarized so it's not legally binding in california (i guess those laws vary a lot state to state??) and you know pees in bottle uncle doesn't want to honor anything that cuts him out of the picture.

if she had just had it signed my sister and i probably would have had everything done by now. it's so frustrating and painful. i was telling my therapist that i feel like i can't even start grieving yet really just because i've had to deal with so much bullshit these past two months.

[alamo]

yeah, you feel like you have to hold yourself together with duct tape and glue so you can see to all the important things you need to get done off your list before you dissolve into a puddle of emotion. no experience is the same, but i know what that feels like and it really sucks. especially for you, where those around you could be doing something and are just proving themselves to be useless men.

[desertions]

yep. it's a sucky experience, and one i've dealt with before, but one that feels much more acute this time (probably because the losses happened so close to one another). i wish i could just go to sleep and wake up a year from now when all of this was done with, finally.

[alamo]

if i manage to invent a machine that does just that, you'll be the first to get to use it ♥

[desertions]

thank you, this future hibernation machine sounds great.