I Don't Think I Am Strong Enough To Do This Much Longer, God, I Wish I Was Stronger....

[desertions]

It seems like everyone is going through rough patches right now
And though my friends have been beyond awesome to me the past few monthes during all this...
There's an emptiness I can't get rid of
And there's nothing anyone can do...
I mean, I know that sounds self-absorbed, but I'm beginning to think it may be true
I think maybe some of us aren't supposed to be happy
Or something...
I don't know
It's just, empty, hollow, and painful inside
And I can't fill it again
I'm not even sure I want to
Because it'll get empty again, and pain resurfaces
And...
It gets really hard sometimes
And I feel horrible, because I have all this support
And I still feel terribly alone
Espically at night
I cry myself to sleep almost every night
And my family, I don't think they notice
At school, it's easy to hide it, smiling and laughing, joking like always
But there's a part of me that can't let go...
And I just can't help but wonder if I'm just meant to be this way
I don't want to be though
Do I?
I'm afraid of what's coming...
I feel so... old
I never actually thought I would live this long
I feel like everything is slipping away from me
And I'm left here, groping for something to hold onto
But ulimately, alone

Song of The Entry:

Wish I May by Ani Difranco


I'm losing my love of adventure
I'm losing all respect
For me and myself tonight
I wonder what happens if I get to
The end of this tunnel
And there isn't a light
I've worn down the treads
On all of my tires
I've worn through the elbows
And the knees of my clothing
And I'm stumbling down
The gravel driveway of desire
Trying not to wake up
My sleepy self-loathing

Do you ever have that dream
When you open your mouth
And you try to scream
But you can't make a sound
That's everyday starting now
That's everyday starting now

Don't tell me It's gonna be alright
You can't sell me on your optimism tonight
It's a stiff competition
To see who can stay up later
The stars or the street lights
And all they really want
Is to be alone with the darkness
No more wish I may
No more wish I might

It takes a stiff upper lip
Just to hold up my face
I gotta suck it up and savor
The taste of my own behavior
I am spinning with longing
Faster then a roulette wheel
This is not who I meant to be
This is not how I meant to feel

I don't think I am strong enough
To do this much longer
God, I wish I was stronger
This song could never be long enough
To express every longing
God, I wish it was longer...