My Heart Is Sick Bein', I Said My Heart Is Sick Bein' In Chains

[desertions]

Ah, today was sorta uneventful I guess
Filled out all my Cal State applications
Applying to CSU Fullerton, CSU Long Beach, and CSU Northridge
Hopefully, one will love me and accept me
Gotta do other applications now
And start on that world lit project, or at least start on the research >>
Later, later
Talked to my grandma about my grades
She was not to happy with some of the comments teachers left
Then again, she always finds something to not be happy about, when it comes to grades anyways
I should be used to it, but I'm not

And then my mom called really late tonight, crying and hysterical and shit
I'm sorry, but it's getting way too hard to deal with
Even if I don't mean to, everything I say or do makes her feel guilty or sad or just plain not good enough
And it seems like lately, I can't have a conversation with her without her crying
And it's really hard, because I'm going through alot of my own stuff right now
I could really use a mother, but she's not really there
Not that she ever has been
I love her
But you can only do so much
I guess it sounds pretty horrible to get so frustrated and angry about this stuff
But if you've been through it, you understand
It's one of those things
Not that I would ever tell her anyways
Not after what happened last time

So instead I silently suffer and beat myself up inside
Hey, what else is new?

And people, stop bugging me about Winter Formal
I don't think I'm going to ask him
I may have a crush on him, a rather obvious one at that
But seriously, after last time, I don't want to fuck up another friendship
It is not worth it
So I doubt I will pursue it
Maybe Lisa will be able to set me up with that Ariel guy (yes, a guy named Ariel) or something

Hmm...I should sleep
Tai-chi class in the mornin...

Song of the Entry:

Crucify by Tori Amos

Every finger in the room is pointing at me
I wanna spit in their faces
Then I get affraid what that could bring
I got a bowling ball in my stomach
I got a desert in my mouth
Figures that my COURAGE would choose to sell out now.

I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Just what GOD needs
One more victim

Why do we crucify ourselves
Every day I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day I crucify myself
And my HEART is sick of being in chains

Got a kick for a dog beggin' for LOVE
I gotta have my suffering
So that I can have my cross
I know a cat named Easter
He says will you ever learn
You're just an empty cage girl if you kill the brid

I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Got enough GUILT to start
My own religion

Why do we crucify ourselves
Every day I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day I crucify myself
And my HEART is sick of being in chains

Please be
Save me
I CRY

Looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Where are those angels
When you need them

Why do we crucify ourselves
Every day I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day I crucify myself
And my HEART is sick of being in chains

Why do we change (chains?)
Crucify ourselves
Everyday

Never going back again
Crucify myself again
You know
Never going back again to
Crucify myself
Everyday