Lie To Me, Convince Me That I've Been Sick Forever

[desertions]

Oh god
I swear, I'm loosing my stability or something
I'm usually somewhat more emotional at home
But to loose it at school
With a teacher?
To start crying and yelling and screaming at her, storming out and avoiding her the rest of the day
Dr. Deocampo must think I'm some kind of pyscho
Then again, it doesn't help that she speaks to me in that condescending voice that she has
And tries to use all that "I understand you" pyschoanalatic bullshit
She does not know how yesterday was for, she does not know what my life is like, and most of all,
She does not know me

I am tired of being judged
Sorry if a fucking essay wasn't fucking good enough
I was trying to keep my mom together
I was trying to keep myself together
Stop the fucking voices in my head from driving me to do something I'll regret

Fought with a friend today too

I am tired of fighting

I am tired of crying

I am trying

I want to curl up in bed, close my eyes and not wake up

This is too hard

This is too painful

I am so tired, this never changes

I'm crying, almost as hysterical as my mother everyday

Throwing things, pounding on the wall

And I thought I went crazy last year

I wish there was somebody who understood this

Somebody who could help me

But I think ultimately, I'm alone

And broken

Maybe I should stop writing here

Seriously, who wants to here me whine about my overdramatic bullshit?

Who wants to listen to a downer all the time?

I swear, someday I'll be better, and people will be able to love me and not get sick of me

Someday I won't be so crazy

Or maybe I'll just dissapear

But for now...I'll just keep going, as best I can

Even if that isn't good enough

I'm triggered all the time, scratching, digging in my nails, trying to do anything not to start cutting again

I wonder how much longer I really will last

I'm sorry I keep lashing out, I don't mean to

God, I don't mean to be this way, to push everyone away....

Song of The Entry:

Breath No More by Evanescence

I've been looking in the mirror for so long.
That I've come to believe my souls on the other side.
Oh the little pieces falling, shatter.
Shards of me,
To sharp to put back together.
To small to matter,
But big enough to cut me into so many little pieces.
If I try to touch her,
And I bleed,
I bleed,
And I breathe,
I breathe no more.

Take a breath and I try to draw from my spirits well.
Yet again you refuse to drink like a stubborn child.
Lie to me,
Convince me that I've been sick forever.
And all of this,
Will make sense when I get better.
I know the difference,
Between myself and my reflection.
I just can't help but to wonder,
Which of us do you love.
So I bleed,
I bleed,
And I breathe,
I breathe now...
Bleed,
I bleed,
And I breathe,
I breathe,
I breathe-
I breathe no more.