desertions | Memories I Never Thought Would Fade, They Fade And Blow Away

I swear things don't ever go my way, not really

For instance, my bus got into a crash today
Not a serious one, and no one got hurt, but still
Fucking annoying, had to get off and wait for the next one to come, making me run like a half hour later then usual

Another instance, my grandma decided by no means whatsoever are Meagen and I to go to Europe this summer
Not unless we get a fucking tour or something
Which is extremely more expensive
It's okay for my cousin Briana to do things like that
But I can't
Cause I'm "unstable"

Okay, I sorta am
But it doesn't give them a right to treat me like a mutant over it

I don't even remember what it feels like to be truly liked or loved anymore
I think the only person who ever made me feel that way was my grandpa
He made me feel like I was okay no matter what
And then he died
That was about three years ago
Since then, I have yet to regain some sort of security about myself
In fact, it just gets continuisly worse

I don't like myself
I have never liked myself
Don't ask why, I have my reasons
They are many and lengthy, don't feel like getting into them here

I guess that's why I get so dependent on my friends and their opionons of me
I have to be perfect, otherwise they won't like me
And I can't like myself, so someone needs to, right?
I guess I've just been looking for validation for existence in all the wrong places

I think that was the biggest mistake I made with Mitchell
I was too eager to try to make him like me
To the point where I didn't even realize that he more or less ignored me and treated me rather badly
Now while I no longer hold grudges with him about that whole situation, there are alot I still hold with myself
I can't forgive myself for being so blind
For being so stupid
Yet I do this all the time

With friends, family, romantic interests
Why am I so stuck on having other people validate my existance

Why don't I care enough anymore to do it myself

All the things that mattered before
The people who cared

They're fading fast as I get sucked into the static grey all over again

Song of the Entry:

Blow Away by Staind

Live in my head for just one day
I see myself and look away
The road is showing now on my face
Soon I'll disappear, I'll disappear without a fucking trace

Faces that I've seen turn old and grey
I've lost too many friends along the way
Memories I never thought would fade
They fade and blow away

I wish that I could disappear
Unzip my skin and leave it here
So I could be no one again
And never let nobody,
I'd let nobody,
I'd let nobody in

Faces that I've seen turn old and grey
I've lost too many friends along the way
Memories I never thought would fade
They fade and blow away

So now the walls are closing in
Because in life you sink or swim
Sometimes these shoes don't feel right in my head
Feel like a book that can't be,
A book that can't be,
A book that can't be read

Faces that I've seen turn old and grey
I've lost too many friends along the way
Memories I never thought would fade
They fade and blow away