The Lonely Light Of Morning, The Wound That Would Not Heal

[desertions]

Still fairly depressed, though with no real reason

I just can't help but feel like a failure

Like there was something I was supposed to do, but missed

I can't fix my mom
I can't fix my friends
I can't fix myself

I can't do anything right
I push people away
I cry, scream, cause scenes, throw fits

I'm like a child
I thought I was getting better but there is still so much wrong with me

And I feel as if some higher being is just rubbing it in my face or something
That no matter what, I'm going to fuck up

I'm trying, I will keep fighting
I won't give up, but it's getting hard

But the alternative is harder

Giving up is hard

I still have such vivids flashbacks of that day
The days before, the fight
The bottle of tylenol, throwing pill after pill into my mouth
Scribbling the note, waiting to die
Throwing it back up
Having the worst chills of my life

And that was just the first day, let alone all the other shit I went through that week in the hospital

Even in my worst most desprete moments, I remember how miserable that was
And I guess that's what keeps me from trying something

That and there are people who care about me
I don't know why, but they do

Someday, I'm going to be good enough for them
I'm going to stop being so fucked up

I will be pure, I will be perfect
I will allow myself to love them the way they've loved me

But unfortunetly, time does not heal all wounds

And I'm filled with open sores

Song of the Entry:

Fallen by Sarah McLachlan

Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
THe past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bend to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so..