Let It Out And Move On, Still Loving What's Gone

[desertions]

My compy is back and running again!
Yay!
Anyways, onto other things

So I've been noticing something lately, something I sort of knew, but is coming more and more apparent to me
I don't let go of things
I keep holding on to all my pain and dissapointment, and it's not doing me any good
I mean, it's a good four years later, and I'm nowhere being close to getting over my grandfather's death
Hell, it's been about thirteen years, and I still have issues about my dad's death

And we could have a field day about my issues with my mom
Between her physical illness and her mental ones, she was more or less not there either
I mean, once my dad died, she pretty much gave up
She stopped fighting, almost forgot she had kids to take care of
I know she's had a hard life, harder then mine in many ways, but that still doesn't make what did okay
I don't remeber alot of it, but there was drinking, she got hooked on painkillers after giving up street drugs, and not to mention the suicide attempts and other things
Stuff like that will mess up any kid

But I mean, alot of this is really old, and alot of the situations have improved?
So why can't I let go?
Why can't I just be at peace, why can't I trust people?

I always feel like I could of prevented alot of this stuff
And if I was just a little better, things would be okay
I know this is unrealstic, yet I still often find myself thinking that way

My friends and close ones are like my adopted family
They've helped me let go a little
But it's still a long road ahead
And I have no idea where to start

Song of the Entry:

I Grieve by Peter Gabriel

It was only one hour ago
It was all so different then
Nothing yet has really sunk in
Looks like it always did
This flesh and bone
It's just the way that we are tied in
But there's noone home
I grieve...
for you
You leave...
Me
So hard to move on
Still loving what's gone
Said life carries on...
Carries on and on and on...
And on
The news that truely shocks
is the empty, empty page
While the final rattle rocks
Its empty, empty cage...
And I can't handle this
I grieve...
For you
You leave...
Me
Let it out and move on
Missing what's gone
Said life carries on...
I said life carries on and on...
And on
Life carries on in the people I meet
In every one that's out on the street
In all the dogs and cats
In the flies and rats
In the --- and the --- In the ashes and the dust
Life carries on and on and on...
And on
Life carries on and on and on...
Life carries on and on and on...
And on
Life carries on and on and on...
Just the car that we ride in
The home we reside in
The face that we hide in
The way we are tied in
As life carries on and on and on...
And on
Life carries on and on and on...
Did I dream this belief
Or did I believe this dream
How I will find relief
I grieve...