Katiepants (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
desertions) wrote2005-03-28 12:28 am
desertions) wrote2005-03-28 12:28 am
I'm Only Pretty Sure That I Can't Take Anymore
I am so sick of my family
Being around them is so draining
First of all, I spent the whole day at my uncle's today
I tried socializing with people, but I was constanly kept out of the conversations
Finally I got so fed up that I curled up in a corner and read
No one even noticed I was gone
Then Gab called me, which cheered me up slightly, but then I was called in for dinner
The rest of the evening was pretty much a repeat of before
Then in the car, it was slightly better, my grandma was nodding off, so I was mostly just talkin to my Uncle Eric and my mother
We then got on the subject of weapons and stuff, and I was mentioning how I used to have a pocket knife, though I didn't know where it went
And my uncle was like "I found it in your room and gave it to your grandma"
Now, I had thought I had lost it, I'm rather used to doing stuff like that. I never expected them to take it away from me and not even tell me
You want to know why they didn't tell me? Because they thought it might just encourage me
Lovely
I told them that it had been a gift from Mitchell, and I had not once used it to hurt myself, nor tried to.
Infact, when he had given it to me, I had already began to stop
I promised Mitchell I would never use it for those purposes, and kept that promise to him
My grandma chose that moment to wake up and get angry with me for never telling her he gave it to me
With as hypersensative as she is, is it any wonder I didn't?
Anyways, when I asked if I could have it back, my mom's answer was this: When you haven't been cutting for five years, ask us again
Again, I tried pleading with my grandma again
She had fallen asleep again, having only been awake long enough to critize me
Lovely
My uncle then started to go on and on about how it would be too tempting
I never used knives to cut though, I pointed out
I'm allowed to have razors, and I used to crack those things open and all sorts of stuff
Although my uncle says, if it was up to him, I wouldn't be allowed those either
I just wanted the knife back for sentimental reasons
It was one of the few things Mitchell gave me
Why can't they ever trust me?
Why do they seem so convinced I'm going to fall back into old habits?
When they act like this, it makes trying seem so futile
Why quit when no one believes you?
Espically when quitting is so hard
Maybe I should stop trying to earn their support
Just because they gave it to Sheena for her problems doesn't mean they'll give it to me for mine
It's time like these when I really feel like the black sheep of the family
And I'm not sorry if I alienate me
Not when they alieanted me and made me feel so wretched to begin with
Song of the Entry:
How's It Gonna Be by Third Eye Blind
I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore
Before you take a swing
I wonder
What are we fighting for
When I say out loud
I want to get out of this
I wonder
Is there anything I'm going to miss
I wonder How it's going to be
When you don't know me
How's it going to be
When you're sure I'm not there
How's it going to be
When there is no one to talk to, between you and me
'Cause I don't care
How's it going to be
How's it going to be
Where we used to laugh
There's a shouting match
Sharp as a thumbnail scratch
A silence I can't ignore
Like...
The hammocks by the doorway we spent time in
Swings empty, don't see lightning like last fall when it was
always
about to hit
me
I wonder how's it going to be when it goes down
Hows it going to be
When you're not around
Hows it going to be
When you found out there was nothing
Between you and me
'Cause I don't care
How's it going to be.
Hows it going to be
When you don't know me any more
And how's it going to be
Want to get myself back in again
The soft dive of oblivian
Wanna taste the soul of your skin
The soft dive of oblivian
Oblivian
How's it going to be
When you don't know me any more
How's it going to be
How's it going to be
Being around them is so draining
First of all, I spent the whole day at my uncle's today
I tried socializing with people, but I was constanly kept out of the conversations
Finally I got so fed up that I curled up in a corner and read
No one even noticed I was gone
Then Gab called me, which cheered me up slightly, but then I was called in for dinner
The rest of the evening was pretty much a repeat of before
Then in the car, it was slightly better, my grandma was nodding off, so I was mostly just talkin to my Uncle Eric and my mother
We then got on the subject of weapons and stuff, and I was mentioning how I used to have a pocket knife, though I didn't know where it went
And my uncle was like "I found it in your room and gave it to your grandma"
Now, I had thought I had lost it, I'm rather used to doing stuff like that. I never expected them to take it away from me and not even tell me
You want to know why they didn't tell me? Because they thought it might just encourage me
Lovely
I told them that it had been a gift from Mitchell, and I had not once used it to hurt myself, nor tried to.
Infact, when he had given it to me, I had already began to stop
I promised Mitchell I would never use it for those purposes, and kept that promise to him
My grandma chose that moment to wake up and get angry with me for never telling her he gave it to me
With as hypersensative as she is, is it any wonder I didn't?
Anyways, when I asked if I could have it back, my mom's answer was this: When you haven't been cutting for five years, ask us again
Again, I tried pleading with my grandma again
She had fallen asleep again, having only been awake long enough to critize me
Lovely
My uncle then started to go on and on about how it would be too tempting
I never used knives to cut though, I pointed out
I'm allowed to have razors, and I used to crack those things open and all sorts of stuff
Although my uncle says, if it was up to him, I wouldn't be allowed those either
I just wanted the knife back for sentimental reasons
It was one of the few things Mitchell gave me
Why can't they ever trust me?
Why do they seem so convinced I'm going to fall back into old habits?
When they act like this, it makes trying seem so futile
Why quit when no one believes you?
Espically when quitting is so hard
Maybe I should stop trying to earn their support
Just because they gave it to Sheena for her problems doesn't mean they'll give it to me for mine
It's time like these when I really feel like the black sheep of the family
And I'm not sorry if I alienate me
Not when they alieanted me and made me feel so wretched to begin with
Song of the Entry:
How's It Gonna Be by Third Eye Blind
I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore
Before you take a swing
I wonder
What are we fighting for
When I say out loud
I want to get out of this
I wonder
Is there anything I'm going to miss
I wonder How it's going to be
When you don't know me
How's it going to be
When you're sure I'm not there
How's it going to be
When there is no one to talk to, between you and me
'Cause I don't care
How's it going to be
How's it going to be
Where we used to laugh
There's a shouting match
Sharp as a thumbnail scratch
A silence I can't ignore
Like...
The hammocks by the doorway we spent time in
Swings empty, don't see lightning like last fall when it was
always
about to hit
me
I wonder how's it going to be when it goes down
Hows it going to be
When you're not around
Hows it going to be
When you found out there was nothing
Between you and me
'Cause I don't care
How's it going to be.
Hows it going to be
When you don't know me any more
And how's it going to be
Want to get myself back in again
The soft dive of oblivian
Wanna taste the soul of your skin
The soft dive of oblivian
Oblivian
How's it going to be
When you don't know me any more
How's it going to be
How's it going to be