Too Bad The Thing I Really Need You Cannot Do

[desertions]

I remember why I hate talking about my past
Because it's painful
Sometimes it feels like my life has been one train wreck after another
It started with when my father died and hasn't really quite since

The worst part is, I remember what it was like before
When I was young, before my father's passing, I was happy
I was happy
I was one of those little kids who was always smiling
I had tons of friends, not a care in the world
If you look in the pictures of when I was five and younger, I'm all smiles
Anything after that always has a hint of sadness around my eyes

And sometimes I just want to go back
Back to when I was young
Back when I was happy
When I had a father'
Back when my mom was well
When she could take care of me

There was a time where my mom actually had a job
She could drive and take care of me
Then she got sick, but she fought it
But then my dad died and she did too, really
My mother is like a living corpse
She has little purpose or drive in her life
And it hurts me to watch her
More than almost anything else

Because she forgot me
She forgot she had a fucking daughter, two of us infact
My father was her world, and when he died, so did everything else
She gave up on herself
And she gave up on us too
And no matter how hard I tried to make her happy...
It just wasn't good enough
It never was
I was never good enough
To this day, I can't stand it

Lately, all this pain I've kept bottled in has been resurfacing in scary amounts
And I just want to go back
Back to when my mother's embrace made everything better
But now her embrace just feels like pain
Like everything else

Figures, when I finally need something from her, it's something she can never give me now

Song of the Entry:

Inside by Tapping the Vein

Lately, I Swear There's Something Crawling On My Skin.
An Indication Of The Shape I'm In.

Totally Aware Of Where I Am And How Far Down.
Somebody Has Got To
Come And Pull Me Out.

Mother, Will You Help Me Make It Go Away?
Mother, Will You Help Me Make It All Right?

Maybe I Should Try And Go The Other Way
I Don't Think It's Gonna Help Me Anyway.

Mother, Will You Help Me Make It Go Away?
Mother, Will You Help Me Make It All Right?
Mother, Will You Take Me Back Inside?
Take Me Back Inside. Inside Of Me.

Lately, I Fear There's Something Eating Me Alive.
It's Getting Ever Difficult For Me To Hide.
I Don't Remember Ever Asking Anything From You.
Too Bad The Thing I Really Need You Cannot Do.
Mother, Will You Help Me Make It Go Away?
Mother, Will You Help Me Make It All Right?
Mother, Will You Take Me Back Inside?
Take Me Back Inside. Inside. Inside. Take Me Back Inside.