A Breathe Away's Not Far, To Where You Are....

[desertions]

Dear Daddy,
It's been almost a year since I last wrote to you, though this time instead of writing on your deathday, I find myself writing on your birthday. And what a concidence, it's Father's Day as well. I remember when I was younger, it used to amuse me when it happened like this, and I think it amused you too. Now it just brings back pain I've tried to forget. It's horrible really. I tried most of my life to ignore that you even existed. Because if you were never there to begin with, I couldn't miss you, right?

When people would compare me to you, I would feel angry, almost insulted. Because as wonderful as you were, you left. You left we with a mother who couldn't take care of me. Maybe you didn't chose to, but the pain of loss is still sharp. I think it always will be. When you died, I was so young, I couldn't even understand what it meant.

Maybe I still don't.

But this much I understand: You're gone and you are never coming back. There. I finally admitted it. Somehow, it's not as much of a release as I thought it would be. It's been what, 13 years since you died? Almost. It shouldn't hurt this much. I think the problem is, I denied it for so long. I tried to be strong for my mom, for my grandma, for my sister. But who was going to be strong for me? The only person who I ever let take care of me after you died, he's dead too. I guess I resent both of you, my father and my grandfather, for dying.

I needed you. I still need you. I feel so lost. I need guidance. I don't nessisarly believe in God, or an afterlife. To be honest, I'm not all to sure of what I believe in anymore. I haven't known in a long time. But part of me hopes that wherever you are, somehow, you'll see this letter. I don't know if there's angels out there, but I like to think you're looking down on me. Thoughts like that almost ease the pain of not having you here. Almost.

I wish I had more memories of you. I was so young when you died, I feel like I got cheated out of...I don't know, something. Yet, the few memories I do have of you are some of the only happy ones I can remember in my childhood. Even when you and Mommy got ill, you always seemed so optimistic. You were always laughing, and playing with me.

I remember you used to call me "Button" because I played with the buttons on your shirt. You used to make the best impressions of Donald Duck. To this day, I haven't heard one coming close to yours. I remember you holding over your head like an airplane. I remember you reading me the Sunday comics from the paper. And whenever I was sad, or I was being put to sleep, I remember your voice singing clearly. To this day, whenever I hear "You Are My Sunshine", I cry. I even remember little things, like you brushing your cheek against mine, accusing me of having whiskers. We both know they were really yours.

I wonder often, how things would of been had you lived. Would you of liked my first boyfriend? Would you of held me when he broke my heart? Would you of helped me with my papers? Would you be proud of me? Would I of been happier? I guess it's stupid to ask questions I'll never have answers to. But still. I wonder. You know.

The other night, I had a dream about you. The very first. We were back in the house in Roland Heights, though I was still the age I am now. I don't remember much other then you hugging me tightly, and feeling a warmth and safety that I haven't felt in years. And then weeping once I woke up.

Daddy....I will never stop missing you. But I can't let loosing you cause me fear anymore. I've pushed so many people away in fear that they'd leave or die, like you and Grandpa. Or let me down like Mommy. But I can't let that fear rule me. Not anymore

So I end this letter now, with so much to say, yet I've ran out of words to say. Except....I love you. I always will.

Happy Birthday, and Happy Father's Day as well.

Love,
Katie
AKA, Button

To Where You Are by Josh Groban

Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memory's so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You're still an inspiration
Can it be (?)
That you are my
Forever love
And you are watching over me from up above

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
'Cause you are my
Forever love
Watching me from up above

And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave

Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are

I know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are