Katiepants (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
desertions) wrote2005-08-10 03:00 am
desertions) wrote2005-08-10 03:00 am
And Mother, I Know That I'm Going To Be Alright....
God...I miss her
It comes and goes, but mostly, it's just this seering pain in my chest
Tonight, I just spent the past hour or so going through her old journals, trying to find anything, just a single word, some insight to my mother
Every single one of them was blank
I was crushed
When I was younger, I used to idolize my mom
I always thought she was so strong, for having to deal with what she did
And somewhere along the line, that changed, and suddenly, I was this angry, bitter thing
And I still can't pinpoint where that anger came from
But I always thought, there was time to fix things
That things were going to be okay
That I would be better, and get over the resentment, and it would be like when I was younger again
It was nice, wishful thinking, but unrealistic
But she did the best she could
I mean, just by all the photos of me she had among her things, even all the ones she kept in her purse alone...
I know she loved me.
I know she loved me the best she could
And that...that has to be enough
I can't keep trying to look for more
Cause it's not there
But I know...as bad as things are
As much as this fucking hurts
I'm going to be okay
Because she wouldn't want me to give up.
And when I close my eyes, I can almost see her again
Sometimes, I almost hear her again
And little glimpses like that, as painful as they are, can be helpful at the same time
I just...I just have to find a way through this
I'll find my way through this
Somehow...
Song of the Entry:
Always Everywhere by K's Choice
You turn off the light, kiss me good night
And mother, I know that I'm going to be alright
I just can't wait to grow up
Find my own life, be a good wife
And a smart one, I'm sure
I never took us for granted and I always knew
You and I are special
But I never knew how much I'd miss you
So much has changed and been rearranged
And I see that I've lost
What made me so young and incredibly strong
And never ever wrong
You were always there
Because you're always everywhere
I used to cry for no reason
And that's still the same
Except that I had adolescence to blame
But not now
Now I feel sad because I don't know what's true
And I miss thinking I could be just like you.
So much has changed and been rearranged
And I see that I've lost
What made me so young and incredibly strong
And never ever wrong
So much has changed and been rearranged
And I see that I've lost
What made me so sure that I could endure
How hard it is to lose and live again
And never understand
You are always everywhere
You're always there
You turn off the light, and kiss me goodnight
And mother, I know that I'm going to be alright
It comes and goes, but mostly, it's just this seering pain in my chest
Tonight, I just spent the past hour or so going through her old journals, trying to find anything, just a single word, some insight to my mother
Every single one of them was blank
I was crushed
When I was younger, I used to idolize my mom
I always thought she was so strong, for having to deal with what she did
And somewhere along the line, that changed, and suddenly, I was this angry, bitter thing
And I still can't pinpoint where that anger came from
But I always thought, there was time to fix things
That things were going to be okay
That I would be better, and get over the resentment, and it would be like when I was younger again
It was nice, wishful thinking, but unrealistic
But she did the best she could
I mean, just by all the photos of me she had among her things, even all the ones she kept in her purse alone...
I know she loved me.
I know she loved me the best she could
And that...that has to be enough
I can't keep trying to look for more
Cause it's not there
But I know...as bad as things are
As much as this fucking hurts
I'm going to be okay
Because she wouldn't want me to give up.
And when I close my eyes, I can almost see her again
Sometimes, I almost hear her again
And little glimpses like that, as painful as they are, can be helpful at the same time
I just...I just have to find a way through this
I'll find my way through this
Somehow...
Song of the Entry:
Always Everywhere by K's Choice
You turn off the light, kiss me good night
And mother, I know that I'm going to be alright
I just can't wait to grow up
Find my own life, be a good wife
And a smart one, I'm sure
I never took us for granted and I always knew
You and I are special
But I never knew how much I'd miss you
So much has changed and been rearranged
And I see that I've lost
What made me so young and incredibly strong
And never ever wrong
You were always there
Because you're always everywhere
I used to cry for no reason
And that's still the same
Except that I had adolescence to blame
But not now
Now I feel sad because I don't know what's true
And I miss thinking I could be just like you.
So much has changed and been rearranged
And I see that I've lost
What made me so young and incredibly strong
And never ever wrong
So much has changed and been rearranged
And I see that I've lost
What made me so sure that I could endure
How hard it is to lose and live again
And never understand
You are always everywhere
You're always there
You turn off the light, and kiss me goodnight
And mother, I know that I'm going to be alright