You've Got To Learn To Love Yourself, It's All That Counts, There's Little Else

[desertions]

....I'm really tired of feeling bitter
I hate being angry when I see certain friends of mine happy
I mean...it's not my fault they're there, and I'm here
And I encourage them to go out and find new friends
So why do I feel so wretched when they do?
Why do I feel like they're going to replace me?
Maybe because it's happened so many times before
And maybe it's because I have an intense fear of being alone
And maybe it's because I just lost my mom, and whether I like it or not, I'm vunerable right now
I...I don't know
All I know is that I really don't like it
And I want it to stop
I don't want to be this bitter thing that I've been lately
I want to stop resenting others so much, when I have no reason to

I think a big part of the problem is that in a way, I rely on others to validate me
I don't like myself very much, if at all
I've almost always depended on other opionons of me to reassure myself that I'm not horrible
Usually in the forms of my friends
And maybe that's why I get so resentful when they drift and make other friends
Because it means I'm alone with me again
And I don't know how well I can handle that
And that needs to change
Because if I can't love myself, I know none of this will change
And I can't leave myself like this
I just...can't

Song of the Entry:

Afterglow by Garbage

Centre on the wide horizon
Focus on the galaxy
Sweep away your expectations
and recognise your enemies

I hear you talking to yourself
You're stripping off for someone else
You've got to learn to love yourself
It's all that counts, there's little else

You're always looking for affections
and all its possibilities
Your senses searching for attention
in urgent need of gravity

I think you think you're someone else
You've got to learn to save yourself
Before you find there's nothing left
But bitterness
And hollowness
And afterglow
And afterglow.