And I Find That I Can't Take Sitting Alone On The Citadel Holding My Own Hand

[desertions]

You know the feeling when you cry so hard you want to vomit?
I hate that
and I've only been home for less then two hours
God, she just came home today and things are already this bad

It doesn't help that I haven't been doing that great lately anyways
But fuck, at least I'm trying
But apparently I'm "avoiding" my feelings
Just because I don't want to talk about them every single moment of the day
It doesn't mean that I'm not dealing with them
And just because I don't want to talk about them with her doesn't mean that either

I'm trying my best
God knows, I'm trying
I'm putting myself out there, seeing my friends, even though I'd rather curl up in bed all day
Yeah, sometimes, I break down and cry, but then I go back to what I needed to do
I am talking to my friends about it
I am writing about it
I am dealing with this the best I can
And I would love if for once in my life, she gave me credit

Yes, I know she's a psychologist
I know she deals with sort of stuff all the time
BUT I AM NOT ONE OF HER PATIENTS
And she needs to learn to stop trying to analysize me all the time
If you want to be there for me, fine
But know my limits, and don't tell me I'm wrong about them
Because that doesn't help

And it doesn't help that I've generally been very sleep deprived lately
My insomnia has gotten worse
And I can't seem to focus on anything
Though I try really hard
Even when I'm sitting with my friends, trying to have a good time...
It's hard to stay in the moment
And a few people I think have picked up on it
But I'm trying to hide it
Trying to overcome it
But God knows, that's hard

And yeah, I miss my mom crazily
Almost everything reminds me of her now
And I know I've been bringing her up in coversations alot lately
But I'm so frightened that I might forget her
I barely remember my father, and my memory of my grandpa isn't as good as it used to be
I don't want the same to happen to her

And some days, it just feels too hard to try
I'd rather just huddle in my bed, and wait for things to get better
But I know that's not going to accomplish anything.
So what can I do but keep going?

Song of the Entry:

Citadel by Anna Nalick

I'm sittin' on a citadel
Contemplating life
Making a point to waste my time
I'm walking on clouds
Of white

What if I fall
What if I don't
What if I never make it home
What if I bleed
What if I break
And I find that I can't take
The city below the citadel
Holding my own hand
Sittin' alone

I'm breakin' on the balcony
Breakin' window panes
Killing the pain of broken hearts
I'm walkin' on clouds
I'm walkin' on stars

What if I fall
What if I don't
What if I never make it home
What if I bleed
What if I break
And I find that I can't take
The city below the citadel
Holding my own hand?
Sittin' alone

Holdin' on to something
That's keepin'me from jumpin'
So afraid to go in alone
Holdin up this fortress
With imaginary forces
Longing for a life down below

What if I fall
What if I don't
What if I never make it home
What if I bleed
What if I break
And I find that I can't take
The city below the citadel
Holding my own hand?
Sittin' alone