I Don't Think I Am Strong Enough To Do This Much Longer. God, I Wish I Was Stronger

[desertions]

I don't sleep easily anymore.
And when I do, it's vivid. Bright, flashing colors, loud noises, but no details
I sometimes wake up paniced, in a sweat, with chest pains, and no clue why
It's almost becoming a common occurance.

Being awake isn't much better
I feel constantly on edge from the lack of sleep, and something else
I feel almost paranoid
Even when I'm with my friends, I can't relax
I can't help but feel like something's coming
And if I let my guard down again, then I'm just a fool.

I feel a constant sadness pulling at me, weighing me down
And I try to ignore it, reminding myself of all the good I have
But it doesn't help, it makes me lethargic
All I want to do is lie down and watch television and avoid almost everyone.
I try to force myself out, but the whole time, I find myself wondering when it'll be over

And I just want an instant fix
Something to numb this..raging ocean of fear and pain that crashes within me so much
Distractions aren't helping
And I don't like where my thoughts have been going lately

But I know that won't happen.
It may sound cynical, but life doesn't always get better.
Sometimes, nothing can help, and all you can do is grin and bare it.
Sometimes, the hardest thing is getting out of bed in the morning. (or afternoon, in my case)

I can't help but feel dissapointed in myself
This is not how I meant to end up
So weak...and powerless feeling.
I wanted to be so strong, so successful
So loved
But I haven't even begun to acheive any of that.

Time to attempt sleep again.

Song of the Entry:



Wish I May by Ani Difranco

I'm losing my love of adventure
I'm losing all respect
For me and myself tonight
I wonder what happens if I get to
The end of this tunnel
And there isn't a light
I've worn down the treads
On all of my tires
I've worn through the elbows
And the knees of my clothing
And I'm stumbling down
The gravel driveway of desire
Trying not to wake up
My sleepy self-loathing

Do you ever have that dream
When you open your mouth
And you try to scream
But you can't make a sound
That's everyday starting now
That's everyday starting now

Don't tell me it's gonna be alright
You can't sell me on your optimism tonight

It's a stiff competition
To see who can stay up later
The stars or the street lights
And all they really want
Is to be alone with the darkness
No more wish I may
No more wish I might

It takes a stiff upper lip
Just to hold up my face
I gotta suck it up and savor
The taste of my own behavior
I am spinning with longing
Faster then a roulette wheel
This is not who I meant to be
This is not how I meant to feel

I don't think I am strong enough
To do this much longer
God, I wish I was stronger
This song could never be long enough
To express every longing
God, I wish it was longer..