Katiepants (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
desertions) wrote2007-03-14 08:31 pm
desertions) wrote2007-03-14 08:31 pm
Is There A Signal There On The Other Side?
Yay for thoughts and ramblings. No LJ cut for you. I am teh lazy.
So, ever since Mark (host-dad) asked about my boyfriend and if I was in love, I've been thinking about Vincent alot. I'm not in love, don't get me wrong. I'm not the type to allow myself to fall in love easily. Not anymore. It's too hard for me to geuinely trust people to do that. Especially nice people.
And fuck if he isn't genuinely just sweet to me most of the time. I can handle abuse and dissapointment better. I grew up around that. I either need totally needy, or completely aloof and distant. Someone nice, and who would probably treat me well? That scares the fuck out of me.
I'm afraid of putting trust into someone like that. Because they have to have a bad side, right? They're just going to let me down, right? That's what my mind assumes anyways. Maybe I've been let down too much. Or maybe I've put my faith in the wrong people in the past. I'm not sure anymore.
And these fucking god awful nightmares I've been having lately aren't helping. Some of them involve him. Some of them involve rape. Some of them involve worse. It's all very vivid and real, and I've woken up almost everynight for the past week sobbing. It's emotionally draining. And not what I need when I'm halfway across the world, without any way to fix it.
And I keep thinking of Meagen, and how much her betrayel stung. And about how hard it is now to trust because of that. Don't tell me I'm the world to you if I'm not. Don't tell me you're always going to be there, if you're not. I can't handle anymore dissapointment. I just...can't. It's too hard. It hurts too much.
And I wish I had someone I felt close enough to talk to. But with the time difference, I can barely catch people online, let alone the phone. So I'll just suck it up and deal. I've done it before, I can do it again.
Song of the Entry:
I Can't See New York by Tori Amos
From here
No lines are drawn
From here
No lands are owned
13,000 and holding
Swallowed in the purring
Of her engines
Tracking the beacon here
Is there a signal
There on the other side
On the other side?
What do you mean
Side of what things?
And you said
And you did
And you said
You could find me here
And you said
You would find me
Even in death
And you said
And you said
Youd find me
But I cant see new york
As I'm, circling down
Through white cloud
Falling out and I know
His lips are warm
But I cant seem to find
My way out
My way out
I cant see.
Of this hunting ground
From here
Crystal meth
In metres of millions
In the end all we have,
Soul blueprint.
Did we get lost in it
Do we conduct a search for this
From the other side
From the other side?
What do they mean
Side of what things...
And you said.
You again
It's you again
I can't see
I can't see new york
From the other side
From the other side
I hum from the other side
So, ever since Mark (host-dad) asked about my boyfriend and if I was in love, I've been thinking about Vincent alot. I'm not in love, don't get me wrong. I'm not the type to allow myself to fall in love easily. Not anymore. It's too hard for me to geuinely trust people to do that. Especially nice people.
And fuck if he isn't genuinely just sweet to me most of the time. I can handle abuse and dissapointment better. I grew up around that. I either need totally needy, or completely aloof and distant. Someone nice, and who would probably treat me well? That scares the fuck out of me.
I'm afraid of putting trust into someone like that. Because they have to have a bad side, right? They're just going to let me down, right? That's what my mind assumes anyways. Maybe I've been let down too much. Or maybe I've put my faith in the wrong people in the past. I'm not sure anymore.
And these fucking god awful nightmares I've been having lately aren't helping. Some of them involve him. Some of them involve rape. Some of them involve worse. It's all very vivid and real, and I've woken up almost everynight for the past week sobbing. It's emotionally draining. And not what I need when I'm halfway across the world, without any way to fix it.
And I keep thinking of Meagen, and how much her betrayel stung. And about how hard it is now to trust because of that. Don't tell me I'm the world to you if I'm not. Don't tell me you're always going to be there, if you're not. I can't handle anymore dissapointment. I just...can't. It's too hard. It hurts too much.
And I wish I had someone I felt close enough to talk to. But with the time difference, I can barely catch people online, let alone the phone. So I'll just suck it up and deal. I've done it before, I can do it again.
Song of the Entry:
I Can't See New York by Tori Amos
From here
No lines are drawn
From here
No lands are owned
13,000 and holding
Swallowed in the purring
Of her engines
Tracking the beacon here
Is there a signal
There on the other side
On the other side?
What do you mean
Side of what things?
And you said
And you did
And you said
You could find me here
And you said
You would find me
Even in death
And you said
And you said
Youd find me
But I cant see new york
As I'm, circling down
Through white cloud
Falling out and I know
His lips are warm
But I cant seem to find
My way out
My way out
I cant see.
Of this hunting ground
From here
Crystal meth
In metres of millions
In the end all we have,
Soul blueprint.
Did we get lost in it
Do we conduct a search for this
From the other side
From the other side?
What do they mean
Side of what things...
And you said.
You again
It's you again
I can't see
I can't see new york
From the other side
From the other side
I hum from the other side