Fanfiction: Saiyuki: Brother Complex

[desertions]

Title: Brother Complex
Fandom: Saiyuki
Pairing: One sided Gojyo/Jien, Gojyo/Hakkai
Rating: R for incestuous tones
Summary: Gojyo looks at his loves, past and present.
Author’s note: I was hesitant writing this for obvious reasons, incest is a touchy subject, and hard to handle well, but this is an idea that’s been biting me for a while. I honestly believe with how messed up things were in the Sha household, this sort of situation could of happened, whether Jien was aware of it or not. I hope I’ve handled it well.

Everyone always thinks I have a mother complex. And I mean yeah, I suppose I do and shit. I wanted her love and acceptance, and god knows, if a chick starts to cry, forget about it. I’m helpless as a child. Don’t mean to be or anything but fuck, I can’t help it. Tears are always gonna remind me of her. But as much as I wanted her love….there was someone I wanted more, not that I ever told anyone about this. Fuck, like he didn’t  have enough to deal with, having to screw mom every night?

The person I’m thinking of course is my brother,  Jien. He may be calling himself by some crazy ass long name now, but to me he’ll always be Jien. 

Jien was my big brother. My savior. He rescued me. Cheered me up. He fucked our mother to save me. He killed our mother to save me. I don’t think there’s anything he wouldn’t of done for me.

Except maybe what I wanted most from him. I never admitted it before, but I was kind of jealous of Mom. She got to be close to him in a way that I never, ever got to be.  I don’t how many of my early wet dreams were filled with the image of him hovering over me, thrusting inside of me, filling me, filling that void that has seemed to haunt me from birth.

When he killed her, I was almost hopeful. Maybe finally….I wouldn’t have to try so hard. It could just be and him. And maybe, maybe I’d get what I wanted for once.

And then he left. Disappeared  without  a  fucking  trace.

I think it was around this time that I decided that fuck it, I didn’t need anyone or anything. All I needed was a warm body to use for the night, and that was good enough. They were always female though. Another male was a betrayal to him I couldn’t seem to commit.

That was until I met Hakkai.

I  couldn’t help it. Hakkai was kind, and patient, but fucking scary at the same time. He was this enigma I couldn’t help but be drawn to. He took care of me when I was too drunk to stand. And listened to me when I broke down one night, telling him about my mother, about Jien.

But  I think even he was surprised tonight when instead of his name, I accidently called out Jien’s. I didn’t mean to. It just came out. I must of apologized a million times for that. But he just smiled and told me it was alright. After all, hadn’t he accidently called Kanan’s name in bed, once or twice?

I think he understands.

I mean, I love Hakkai, I do. Fuck, if anything ever happened to him, if he ever left me, I don’t think I could deal with losing him twice.  I don’t even want to think about that.

But it’s hard to let go of that first love, you know?

And I know Jien’s moved on too. I see how he smiles at both Kougaiji and Yaone. They gotta be having some weird threesome scenario going on there or something. I dunno. Guess it’s not my business. It’s not like I ever told him.

We’ve moved on, we got separate lives now, and it’s probably for the best. I’ve mostly let go.  But every once and a while, I remember.

I remember waking up in the middle of night, hearing them, and wishing it was me.