desertions | You Make This All Go Away

I'm not sure why I called Vincent today, except that I was really lonely and I miss talking to him
He didn't pick up. I left a message. I wonder if he'll call me back.
I haven't called him since we broke up
When we ran into each other at school a few times after, it was super awkward
But all I can think of is how sweet he was to me around last Christmas. Like when we were at Disneyland. and he bought me that Ariel plushie, telling me that my eyes lit up when I saw it. Or calling me right at midnight on New Years, because I was one of the first people he wanted to talk to. Sometimes I wonder what would of happened with him if I hadn't gone to England. Or had waited to date until Afterwards. Or if I hadn't broken up with him.

What if..what if...

What if I wasn't so scared of taking a chance?

I dunno.
The holidays get me down, they always do.
My aunt sent me a letter the other day with a bunch of childhood pictures of my mother and I started bawling. This is going to be the third Christmas without her. I can't even remember how the other two went by so fast. I mean, she wasn't home half the time for the holidays, but still, we'd at least be able to go visit her in the hospital or talk to her on the phone or something. I miss her. I miss Grandpa. I miss my Daddy. And I even miss Meagen, even though I should know better on that one.

I keep having to talk myself out of calling her home. I know she's down for Christmas right now. I just want to hear her voice one more time, get some kind of closure, give her things back, something, I don't know.

I've been barely sleeping. Even when I try to take naps during the day, it fails. My body is just refusing it. And I'm so sore too. Like my back has been hurting so much lately I could almost cry from it. I feel so restless. I don't want to do anything. I just want to hide in bed until all this bullshit is over with.

I've been watching alot of stuff like Arrested Development and Futurama, trying to cheer myself up with humor. I bought Superbad today for the same reason. And it sort of helps, even if only for small temporary fixes.

Edit: I just talked to him on the phone for the past like...hour. It was kind of awkward. He ended up hanging up suddenly. Maybe I shouldn't of called at all. I don't know. Maybe I'm just lonely

Song of the Entry:

Something I Can Never Have (NIN Cover) by Flyleaf

I still recall the taste of your tears
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ear
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore
Scraping through my head 'til I don't want to sleep anymore

You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have

You always were the one to show me how
Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now
This thing is slowly taking me apart
Grey would be the color if I had a heart

Come on tell me
You'll make this all go away
You'll make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing
And I'm starting to scare myself
You'll make this all go away
You'll make this all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have

In this place it seems like much a shame
Though it all looks different now
I know it's still the same
And everywhere I look you're all I see
Just a fading reminder of who I use to be

Come on tell me
You'll make this all go away
You'll make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing
And I'm starting to scare myself
You'll make this all go away
You'll make this all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have
I just want something I can never have