Katiepants (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
desertions) wrote2020-01-16 01:41 am
desertions) wrote2020-01-16 01:41 am
isn't it funny what a person can get used to
I wish I could say things have been going better. Since my last post my dog died too, and there's been a lot of family drama because my grandma didn't write a will and I feel like so much of it got left on my plate, and now people are getting angry at me when they didn't try to help at all.
Because my dad died, I'm legally treated as one of the three heirs but one of my uncles and both of their wives definitely see me and my grief as lesser than, even though I was the one living with my grandmother, even though she raised me, even though I was taking care of her. Even though I'm the one who witnessed her fall and stroke. Who saw her mind begin to dissolve in seconds.
I'm so angry all the time. Except when I'm tired and sad. I'm so sad and lonely and the one thing that used to comfort me no matter what (Fynn) is gone too.
I moved fairly quickly into my cousin Jason and Wendy's house -- I couldn't stay in that house anymore. I was going to lose my mind. People are acting like I was trying to just steal a bunch and leave....but that would never, ever be my intention and it hurts that people would see me like that, even though I try to remember that everyone is in pain right now. I don't even have the energy to go into the details but it's been pretty nasty, to say the least.
I'm keeping up with school okay though, surprisingly. It's good to have the distraction, I think, though the family systems class is really rough, for obvious reasons. Weirdly enough though, I had a reminder of why I decided to go down the MFT route -- one of my classmates was having a panic attack and I immediately jumped in and even though it was wearing when I was already in not great shape, it felt good to help her. And I could tell it meant so much to her that someone noticed what was going on, that someone cared. I want to help people. I want to help them feel seen and heard.
It's weird to think it's been over a month since she died now, since everything started going to hell. I miss her so much. I miss Fynn so much. I miss my parents. My grandpa. I'm so, so tired of losing people.
Because my dad died, I'm legally treated as one of the three heirs but one of my uncles and both of their wives definitely see me and my grief as lesser than, even though I was the one living with my grandmother, even though she raised me, even though I was taking care of her. Even though I'm the one who witnessed her fall and stroke. Who saw her mind begin to dissolve in seconds.
I'm so angry all the time. Except when I'm tired and sad. I'm so sad and lonely and the one thing that used to comfort me no matter what (Fynn) is gone too.
I moved fairly quickly into my cousin Jason and Wendy's house -- I couldn't stay in that house anymore. I was going to lose my mind. People are acting like I was trying to just steal a bunch and leave....but that would never, ever be my intention and it hurts that people would see me like that, even though I try to remember that everyone is in pain right now. I don't even have the energy to go into the details but it's been pretty nasty, to say the least.
I'm keeping up with school okay though, surprisingly. It's good to have the distraction, I think, though the family systems class is really rough, for obvious reasons. Weirdly enough though, I had a reminder of why I decided to go down the MFT route -- one of my classmates was having a panic attack and I immediately jumped in and even though it was wearing when I was already in not great shape, it felt good to help her. And I could tell it meant so much to her that someone noticed what was going on, that someone cared. I want to help people. I want to help them feel seen and heard.
It's weird to think it's been over a month since she died now, since everything started going to hell. I miss her so much. I miss Fynn so much. I miss my parents. My grandpa. I'm so, so tired of losing people.
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