Yeah, you just take your pill and everything will be alright

[desertions]

Part of me knew it would come to this
I saw my psychiatrist today
Told him how moody and depressed I've been
I even laughed when admitting that my expirement of him taking me off mood stabilizers didn't work
He put me back on lithium and triceptol
The thing is, it wasn't funny
No one knows how devestating this is
I was talking to my uncle about how I realized I couldn't function well off them, and though I hated how they made me, the alternative was ultimatley worse.
And as he put it "There's no pill that's going to make everything okay. I know it's frustrating, but as you said yourself, the alternative is worse for you."
And that's true
Every bit of it
But I still hate hate hate it
I was so convinced that I could overcome this on my own
That was I stronger then the genes that I was cursed with
But I was wrong
So god damned wrong
and I hate hate hate it
I hate being so god damned fucked up
I hate that I'm going to have to take pills for the rest of my life in order to function
I hate that no one realizes how much this kills me
I hate that when I told my mom my sister made me "explain my illness"
How dare she ask if I hear voices? Just because I'm bipolar doesn't mean I hear voices.
I mean, sometimes, yeah I do, but mostly I hear noise (she didn't understand that when I tried to explain it) but that doesn't mean I'm crazy
I'm not crazy...
I'm not crazy..
I'm just really really ill
and of course this is eating at my skin
I want to just tear it all away until I'm nothing
But my grandma took my razors away
and burning takes too long to heal
So what now?
What the fuck do I do now?
Go to bed and wait to rot?
I've done that
It doesn't work
Nothing does
Including these god foresaken pills