Katiepants (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
desertions) wrote2004-08-15 02:19 am
desertions) wrote2004-08-15 02:19 am
And Yet I Find, Repeating In My Head, If I Can't Be My Own, I'd Feel Better Dead
Dear Daddy,
Today's the twelth anniversy of your death. Did you know that?
I guess you can't. What with being dead and all...But it is.
Even though it's been a very long time, I can still remember that day clearly.
Hearing mommy cry out. Running in to see your lifeless body on the floor. Being carried kicking and screaming to the neibhors as the paramedics came.
Aunt Sally coming to retrieve me, telling me you were dead. As if I could even comprehend what that meant. I was only five you know
Five year olds generally can't comprehend death. I know I didn't.
For a long time I kept waiting for you to come back. And I got angry, because you never did.
I realize now that if you could of, you probably would of came back
Things were never the same after you died
Mommy got sick, really sick, not just physically, but in her head too.
You were her rock, without you, she crumbled. She never recovered.
Sheena just got angerier and angerier. You were more of a father to her then hers ever was, but you left too.
Even if you didn't mean to, the fact remains that you left us
I was put into theraphy, and everything just kinda bottled up
I didn't get along well with the other kids. I couldn't relate to them really.
Could you blame them? I was the kid with a dead parent, it's weird, no one knows how to deal with it.
By the time I was 7, I thought about killing/hurting myself
I guess your death effected me more then they thought, or something. I don't know. Maybe I never will.
It's been so long, yet I think about you alot.
I think about what could of happened if you had lived.
Would Mommy of still broken down? Or would she of gotten better?
Would Sheena gotten involved with drugs?
Would I still try to kill myself? Would I even be depressed?
Would you of liked Mitchell? Would you of been overprotective?
Would you be involved with my school?
Would you do things with me?
Would we get along?
Would we fight?
I guess I'll never know
Everyone says I'm like you.
I get kinda sick of it though
It's like because you're dead, they think I live for you, or something
I want to be my own person
I want to finally let go of you
To let go of this pain that's resided in my chest since I was so very little
And as I write this I already feel the tears forming in my eyes
I want to let go, but I don't know how.
So I guess for now, Happy Death-day Daddy
Love Always,
Your Daughter,
Katie
Today's the twelth anniversy of your death. Did you know that?
I guess you can't. What with being dead and all...But it is.
Even though it's been a very long time, I can still remember that day clearly.
Hearing mommy cry out. Running in to see your lifeless body on the floor. Being carried kicking and screaming to the neibhors as the paramedics came.
Aunt Sally coming to retrieve me, telling me you were dead. As if I could even comprehend what that meant. I was only five you know
Five year olds generally can't comprehend death. I know I didn't.
For a long time I kept waiting for you to come back. And I got angry, because you never did.
I realize now that if you could of, you probably would of came back
Things were never the same after you died
Mommy got sick, really sick, not just physically, but in her head too.
You were her rock, without you, she crumbled. She never recovered.
Sheena just got angerier and angerier. You were more of a father to her then hers ever was, but you left too.
Even if you didn't mean to, the fact remains that you left us
I was put into theraphy, and everything just kinda bottled up
I didn't get along well with the other kids. I couldn't relate to them really.
Could you blame them? I was the kid with a dead parent, it's weird, no one knows how to deal with it.
By the time I was 7, I thought about killing/hurting myself
I guess your death effected me more then they thought, or something. I don't know. Maybe I never will.
It's been so long, yet I think about you alot.
I think about what could of happened if you had lived.
Would Mommy of still broken down? Or would she of gotten better?
Would Sheena gotten involved with drugs?
Would I still try to kill myself? Would I even be depressed?
Would you of liked Mitchell? Would you of been overprotective?
Would you be involved with my school?
Would you do things with me?
Would we get along?
Would we fight?
I guess I'll never know
Everyone says I'm like you.
I get kinda sick of it though
It's like because you're dead, they think I live for you, or something
I want to be my own person
I want to finally let go of you
To let go of this pain that's resided in my chest since I was so very little
And as I write this I already feel the tears forming in my eyes
I want to let go, but I don't know how.
So I guess for now, Happy Death-day Daddy
Love Always,
Your Daughter,
Katie