You Say I Choose Sadness, That It Never Once Has Chosen Me, Maybe You're Right

[desertions]

Okay, late night depression is hitting again
And I want to sleep
So, maybe ranting will help

You Say That I Choose Sadness
That It Never Once Has Chosen Me
Maybe You're Right

I've come to another one of my conclusions
Maybe I choose to be this way
Maybe, I got so used to being in pain, being sad, that somewhere deep in my brain
I now choose to be that way
There's happiness beneath the surface
Every once in a while, I see glimpses of it
But then I shove it back down into my chest again
Cause happiness leads to dissapointment, right?
Right?
I don't know
I've had ways of surviving for so long yet I don't want to survive anymore
I want more then that
Yet have no idea how to reach it
I don't know how to be happy
I'm not exagerating, I don't
Whenever I come close, I have panic attacks
I'm so ready for the impending pain that I can't even enjoy the good while it's there
I talk about Mitchell and other people who sabotoge myself
But I do that alot myself
I guess, I'm my own worst enemy, in alot of ways
There's good in me, I know, there has to be
Yet I can't see it
No matter how hard I look

And in the past, when people have accused me of wanting to be in pain
Wanting to be fucked up
I've always gotten angry, yelled at them
But, maybe they're right
Maybe it's time I take back control of this
Even though I have no clue how

I choose sadness because it's familiar, it won't let me down
If I'm happy, I'll fall down, and the sadness will hurt even more
Because then I'll know what happiness is like
And that's no good right?
Cause happiness is meant for people like me
Or something
I frankly don't know anymore
I really don't

But I know if I wait too much longer, it might be too late

Song of The Entry:

The Good That Won't Come Out by Rilo Kiley
Let's get together and talk about the modern age.
All of our friends were gathered there with their pets
just talking shit about how we're all so upset about the disappearing ground.
As we watch it melt....

It's all of the good that won't come out of us
and how eventually our hands will just turn to dust,
if we keep shaking them.
Standing here on this frozen lake.

I do this thing where I think I'm real sick
but I won't go to the doctor to find out about it
Cause they make you stay real still in a real small space
As they chart up your insides and put them on display.
They'd see all of it, all of me, all of it.

All the good that won't come out of me
and all the stupid lies I hide behind.
It's such a big mistake
lying here in your warm embrace.

Oh, you're almost home.
I've been waiting for you to come in.
Dancing around in your old suits going crazy in your room again.
I think I'll go out an embarrass myself by getting drunk and falling down in
the street.
You say I choose sadness
that it never once has chosen me.
Maybe you're right...

Let's talk about all of our friends who lost the war
And all of the novels that had yet to be written about them.

It's all the good that won't come out of them
and all the stupid lies they hide behind.
It's such a big mistake
Standing here on this frozen lake.

It's all of the good that won't come out of me
And how eventually my mouth will just turn to dust
If I don't tell you quick.
Standing here on this frozen lake.

Found this song through Suu-chan, and though I know she has her own partialness to it, it really hit home, I stole it
Well, more like borrowed without intent of return