Katiepants (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
desertions) wrote2004-12-12 02:03 am
desertions) wrote2004-12-12 02:03 am
For Though I Cannot Fly, I'm Not Content To Crawl
I GET TO GO TO THE LOTR PARTY
YESSS
Okay, so my uncle isn't a total asshole
I was suprised he took it so well, really
But apprently he really appriciated me taking the time to call and ask, showing a more "mature" side of me
Hah, me, mature, that'll be the day
He did however have enough time to lecture me about my first quarter grades
Just because of one small comment from Dr. Deocampo, he thinks I'm not doing my work
And he was going on and on about how he's willing to pay for a good education for me (college wise) but not if I'm going to "goof off"
Now, I know in the past I've goofed off, fucked up my grades, but for once I am working my ass off
I don't think he has any idea how utterly stressed this has made me
And he wouldn't even really listen to my side of the story
Then again, what else is new?
At least they're letting me go, I'm glad of that much
And hopefully other stuff will get discussed in the family session we're going to try to have this week
You know, I know he's going through alot of personal stuff right now
And he's unsure about his future
But I wish he would stop projecting it on me
Fucking annoys me
And it's not fair either
And all I really want is some credit, you know?
Acknowledgement that I'm finally getting better
Maybe not accidemically, but emotionally at least
It's been almost a year since I last cut
Which is major progress, to say the least
Considering I would hurt myself in some form or another for the better part of the last 7 years of my life
That's a hard habit to break, but I'm doing it
Can't they even see a speck of my strengths?
Sometimes I feel like all I can do is dissapoint people
In other news, worried about my Meggie
She's really upset about something, but she hasn't been ready to talk to me about it yet
I just hope she will soon
I don't want to see my best friend suffer
She keeps telling me not to worry
But that's what I do, what I am
I'm Katie, and I worry, alot
Espically about those who I actually allow myself to get attached to
Cause as my grandma pointed out, I don't do that very much
Probably cause my dad died
And though my mom was around while I was a child that's just it, she was around, not much else
And then stuff with my sister and grandpa....
Is there any suprises here?
My mom seems to be doing slightly better
At least she's calming down from being hysterical
But I think as the holidays grow closer, that may change again
Okay, maybe I'm pessimistic, but her track record is against her
I wish I could help her
Make her pain go away
But all I can do is sit and watch as she slips farther away
I don't think anything else hurts like this....
And I'm still not enough, she wants more
They want more
I dissapoint
I let down
I am not good enough
I want to be though
Song of the Entry:
If I Am by Nine Days
So you're standing on a ledge,
It looks like you might fall
So far down, or maybe you were thinking about jumping
And you could have it all,
If you learned a little patience
For though I cannot fly,
I'm not content to crawl
So give me a little credit,
Have in me a little faith
I wanna be with you forever,
If tomorrow's not too late
But it's always too late when you've got nothing,
So you say
And you should never let the sun set on tomorrow,
Before the sun rises today
If I am,
Another waste of everything you've dreamed of, I will let you down
If I am,
Only here to watch you as you suffer, I will let you down
So you're walking on the edge,
And you wait your turn to fall
But you're so far gone, that you don't see the hands up held to catch you
And you could find the fault,
In the heart that you've been handed
But though you cannot fly,
You're not content to crawl
And it's always too late when you've got nothing,
So you say
But you should never let the sunset on tomorrow,
Before the sun rises
If I am,
Another waste of everything you hope for, I will let you down
If I am,
Only here to watch you as you suffer, I will let you down...
So you're standing on a ledge,
It looks like you might fall...
If I am,
Another waste of everything you've dreamed of, I will let you down
If I am,
Only here to watch you as you suffer, I will let you down
The answers we find are never what we had in mind,
So we make it up as we go along
You don't talk of dreams, I won't mention tomorrow
We won't make those promises that we can't keep
I will never leave you
I will not let you down
I will never leave you
I will not let you down...
YESSS
Okay, so my uncle isn't a total asshole
I was suprised he took it so well, really
But apprently he really appriciated me taking the time to call and ask, showing a more "mature" side of me
Hah, me, mature, that'll be the day
He did however have enough time to lecture me about my first quarter grades
Just because of one small comment from Dr. Deocampo, he thinks I'm not doing my work
And he was going on and on about how he's willing to pay for a good education for me (college wise) but not if I'm going to "goof off"
Now, I know in the past I've goofed off, fucked up my grades, but for once I am working my ass off
I don't think he has any idea how utterly stressed this has made me
And he wouldn't even really listen to my side of the story
Then again, what else is new?
At least they're letting me go, I'm glad of that much
And hopefully other stuff will get discussed in the family session we're going to try to have this week
You know, I know he's going through alot of personal stuff right now
And he's unsure about his future
But I wish he would stop projecting it on me
Fucking annoys me
And it's not fair either
And all I really want is some credit, you know?
Acknowledgement that I'm finally getting better
Maybe not accidemically, but emotionally at least
It's been almost a year since I last cut
Which is major progress, to say the least
Considering I would hurt myself in some form or another for the better part of the last 7 years of my life
That's a hard habit to break, but I'm doing it
Can't they even see a speck of my strengths?
Sometimes I feel like all I can do is dissapoint people
In other news, worried about my Meggie
She's really upset about something, but she hasn't been ready to talk to me about it yet
I just hope she will soon
I don't want to see my best friend suffer
She keeps telling me not to worry
But that's what I do, what I am
I'm Katie, and I worry, alot
Espically about those who I actually allow myself to get attached to
Cause as my grandma pointed out, I don't do that very much
Probably cause my dad died
And though my mom was around while I was a child that's just it, she was around, not much else
And then stuff with my sister and grandpa....
Is there any suprises here?
My mom seems to be doing slightly better
At least she's calming down from being hysterical
But I think as the holidays grow closer, that may change again
Okay, maybe I'm pessimistic, but her track record is against her
I wish I could help her
Make her pain go away
But all I can do is sit and watch as she slips farther away
I don't think anything else hurts like this....
And I'm still not enough, she wants more
They want more
I dissapoint
I let down
I am not good enough
I want to be though
Song of the Entry:
If I Am by Nine Days
So you're standing on a ledge,
It looks like you might fall
So far down, or maybe you were thinking about jumping
And you could have it all,
If you learned a little patience
For though I cannot fly,
I'm not content to crawl
So give me a little credit,
Have in me a little faith
I wanna be with you forever,
If tomorrow's not too late
But it's always too late when you've got nothing,
So you say
And you should never let the sun set on tomorrow,
Before the sun rises today
If I am,
Another waste of everything you've dreamed of, I will let you down
If I am,
Only here to watch you as you suffer, I will let you down
So you're walking on the edge,
And you wait your turn to fall
But you're so far gone, that you don't see the hands up held to catch you
And you could find the fault,
In the heart that you've been handed
But though you cannot fly,
You're not content to crawl
And it's always too late when you've got nothing,
So you say
But you should never let the sunset on tomorrow,
Before the sun rises
If I am,
Another waste of everything you hope for, I will let you down
If I am,
Only here to watch you as you suffer, I will let you down...
So you're standing on a ledge,
It looks like you might fall...
If I am,
Another waste of everything you've dreamed of, I will let you down
If I am,
Only here to watch you as you suffer, I will let you down
The answers we find are never what we had in mind,
So we make it up as we go along
You don't talk of dreams, I won't mention tomorrow
We won't make those promises that we can't keep
I will never leave you
I will not let you down
I will never leave you
I will not let you down...