This Is Me Alone....

[desertions]

Have I mentioned lately how much I hate decemember?
Cause I do
I swear to God, this month is always shitty
I am not looking forward to Christmas
Why?
Well, the last couple ones haven't been great
Two years ago, my sister got arrested on Christmas eve for marijuana posession
Last year, well, last year was a DISASTER
I fought with my grandma the whole time
Ended up cutting the hell out of my arm
And then when she found out, she made such a big fit that all the realtives who were arriving at the time found out
I think the worst though was my mom grabbing my still bleeding arm, demanding to see the cuts
Finally, when I was cleaned up I through on a turtleneck and ran out into the rain
I didn't come home for almost two hours, just running and sobbing in the rain
So you could see where I'm apprehensive

My mom is not doing well
And she's taking it all out on me
Acting like I'm such a horrible person
Saying I "lash" out at her and am insensitive
I dunno, maybe I am

I can never really tell anymore

And I just want someone to turn to
Someone to wrap me in their arms and assure me that everything's going to be okay
Even if it's a blantant lie
I want to hear it none the less

But my friends have their own problems
Alot of them are going through alot worse shit then me right now
What right do I have to feel like this?

Yet...
I can't help it

I can't help but feel like I royally fucked things up again
That somehow, this emptiness, this cold, this is my fault

Cause all I seem to be good for is wrecking things

I dunno, I try to help people
But I'm not so good with my words
I think in the long run, I just make things worse...

And everything I have, all my books, cds, good education, a home
I'd give it away
Get rid of it all
If I could find someone who could make me unlonely again

Cause it seems like when my dad died, I died as well

I want to live again, for real

Whatever that means

Song of the Entry:

My December by Linkin Park

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear
This is my December
This is my snow covered home
This is my December
This is me alone

And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things I said
To make you
Feel like that
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all the
Things I said to you

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

This is my December
These are my snow-covered trees
This is me pretending
This is all I need

And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all
The things I said
To make you feel like that
And I
Just wish that
I didn't feel
Like there was
Something I missed
And I
Take back all the things
I said to you

And I give it all away
Just to have
Somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to

This is my December
This is my time of the year
This is my December
This is all so clear

And I give it all away
Just to have somewhere
To go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to