You Wait And See When The Smoke Clears....

[desertions]

Ever since that incident the other night I've been thinking about actions and consequences
I've done alot of actions that have had consequences
Some were little situations, that weren't truly as bad as they seemed, like the one the other night
Others were much bigger deals
Like for instance, three years ago (wow, is it three years already? Time fucking flies sometimes....) I tried to kill myself
The reprucussions of that action were endless
The people I hurt, and the amount of hurt I caused them, is something that plagues me whenever I even humor the thought of trying again
Of all the selfish things I may or may not of done in my life, that was probably the worst
I was just so...hopeless
I was such an empty shell, I had so many regrets, I let it way me down so much
I have hurt my loved ones in other ways to
So much screaming
So many words I can't take back
So many things I wish I could change
My pain from my past has caused me to be so afriad
So afriad to let people in
Instead I try to constantly push them away
Only hurting them in the process
Well, it usually hurts me a bit too
Other things, like my self injury problem had consequences too
I always enjoyed swimming, but now I'm often too embaressed to get into a bathing suit in public
Why?
Because there are big, obvious scars all over my thighs and not so obvious ones on various parts of my stomach and arms
People ask questions, people judge, people shun you for things like that
Most people, from what I've seen, are not willing to accept

I know I'm not, well, not when it comes to me
I can forgive almost anyone else (eventually) for hurting me, no matter how badly they do it
It may take some time, but usually I'll come around, it just might take time
When it comes to me, it's not so easy
I've been so hung up on obbessing and overthinking things
I've never realized before how much regret has ruled my life

I don't want it to anymore
And to a certain degree, it doesn't as much anymore
I mean, I still obbess and stuff over it
But it passess quicker, though the period is more intese this way, but it feels better sooner
I learn from my mistakes, and try to build from them
It's hard to start again, but I'm trying

I can't change what I've done
I can't change who I've been
But I can change what I will do and who I will be

All of life is a stage, what part will you play?

In the long run, it's only up to you

Song of the Entry:

You Learn by Alanis Morrisette

I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

I recommend biting off more then you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

Wear it out (the way a three-year-old would do)
Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually anyway)
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn