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Being sick has given me alot of time to think
About alot of things, but mostly about myself
I'm at a crossroads in my life
I need to change, make a choice
But to what choice and what change I am unsure of
I know what I've been
I've been a terrified and angry child
Never knowing what was going to happen next
I was forced to grow up too fast, and it tainted me
You couldn't be a kid when your mother was having a seizure
You couldn't be a kid when your father died infront of your arms
There are things that change you, corrupt you, and you can't stop them
I didn't understand them though
It seemed like the world was against me and my family
And I was so angry, I would lash out at everyone
At some point, that anger turned on myself
I blamed myself for everything
I was so angry, so vicious
I started hurting myself when I was barely nine years old
I would rip off nails whole, pick at my skin, anything to relieve the restlessness in me
As I got older it got worse, by the time I was 14 I had turned in my saftey pins for razors and knives
The scars will always remind me of those desprete times
Where the only thing that could keep me was calm was blood rushing from the wounds I created
It took me about 7 years to stop inflicting pain on myself
And sometimes I still fear that I'll slip up again
I get tempted to alot, but I'm fighting it, as hard as it may be
As a teenager my anger faded some, and turned to something else
By the end of middle school I was showing signs of severe depression
I was just so unhappy, I can't explain it, not even now
My breaking point was January of freshman year, when I tried to kill myself
I remember waking up in the hospital, feeling so lost and hopeless
I couldn't even rid the world of me properly
This is difficult for me to talk about, yet it needs to be talked about
I lied to the doctors, to make them think I was okay, anything to avoid the mental hospital
For most of my childhood, my mother was in one of those
I didn't want that for my fate
For the next two years or so I stumbled along, just surviving, and not much else then that
And what was really weird was I didn't want more then that
Not until about a year ago did I realize what I was doing was destroying me
I was drained of all energy, I rarely ate, and I had episodes of shaking and hearing voices
I was driving myself insane, and I had to stop before it was too late
So from there I've tried to pick up my peices as best as I can
I don't really know what I'm doing most of the time
One of the hardest things for me is being happy
But I want to be, and I think, maybe, someday, I will be
I don't know who I am or where I'm going
I know who I've been, and I can say I'm not those people anymore
Where that leaves me I don't know
But I can't give up
I'm too scared to
I've seen the other side, and it's lonely
I'm tired of keeping people at bay
I'm tired of trying to do everything on my own
I just want to love and be loved
Maybe someday I'll allow it
But old habits are hard to break
Hard, but not impossible
I hope
Song of the Entry:
Hello Again by Lostprophets
Hello again, why so old?,
Wasn't time your friend? I must be told
Hello again, it seems to long
Since we last met, how has it gone
Don't accept the blame, I would not complain,
'Cause I'm sure it wasn't your own fault
That you never made it out your vault
Just Lock the door, and find some time to scream
To scream again...
Just say "when" and you'll stop the pain of your life,
Bring it to an end.
Just say "when" and you could make amends
Just say Hello, say Hello again...
Hello Again, it's not that hard.
No Dead ends, even with the scars
Don't accept the blame, I would, I would not complain,
'Cause I'm sure it wasn't your own fault
That you never made it out your vault
Just lock the door, and find some time to scream
Just say "when" and you'll stop the pain of your life,
Bring it to an end.
Just say "when" and you could make amends
Just say Hello, say Hello again...
You have no home, you lost your throne, where has it gone?,
Well it could all come back,
But you're being led by the walking dead,
You stumble and you cracked the ground,
You're pinned down...
Just Say "when" you could stop the pain,
Just Say "when", and you could make amends
Just say hello, say Hello Again,
Hello Again, Hello Again, Hello Again, Hello Again, Hello Again,
It's not the end if you just say hello again...
About alot of things, but mostly about myself
I'm at a crossroads in my life
I need to change, make a choice
But to what choice and what change I am unsure of
I know what I've been
I've been a terrified and angry child
Never knowing what was going to happen next
I was forced to grow up too fast, and it tainted me
You couldn't be a kid when your mother was having a seizure
You couldn't be a kid when your father died infront of your arms
There are things that change you, corrupt you, and you can't stop them
I didn't understand them though
It seemed like the world was against me and my family
And I was so angry, I would lash out at everyone
At some point, that anger turned on myself
I blamed myself for everything
I was so angry, so vicious
I started hurting myself when I was barely nine years old
I would rip off nails whole, pick at my skin, anything to relieve the restlessness in me
As I got older it got worse, by the time I was 14 I had turned in my saftey pins for razors and knives
The scars will always remind me of those desprete times
Where the only thing that could keep me was calm was blood rushing from the wounds I created
It took me about 7 years to stop inflicting pain on myself
And sometimes I still fear that I'll slip up again
I get tempted to alot, but I'm fighting it, as hard as it may be
As a teenager my anger faded some, and turned to something else
By the end of middle school I was showing signs of severe depression
I was just so unhappy, I can't explain it, not even now
My breaking point was January of freshman year, when I tried to kill myself
I remember waking up in the hospital, feeling so lost and hopeless
I couldn't even rid the world of me properly
This is difficult for me to talk about, yet it needs to be talked about
I lied to the doctors, to make them think I was okay, anything to avoid the mental hospital
For most of my childhood, my mother was in one of those
I didn't want that for my fate
For the next two years or so I stumbled along, just surviving, and not much else then that
And what was really weird was I didn't want more then that
Not until about a year ago did I realize what I was doing was destroying me
I was drained of all energy, I rarely ate, and I had episodes of shaking and hearing voices
I was driving myself insane, and I had to stop before it was too late
So from there I've tried to pick up my peices as best as I can
I don't really know what I'm doing most of the time
One of the hardest things for me is being happy
But I want to be, and I think, maybe, someday, I will be
I don't know who I am or where I'm going
I know who I've been, and I can say I'm not those people anymore
Where that leaves me I don't know
But I can't give up
I'm too scared to
I've seen the other side, and it's lonely
I'm tired of keeping people at bay
I'm tired of trying to do everything on my own
I just want to love and be loved
Maybe someday I'll allow it
But old habits are hard to break
Hard, but not impossible
I hope
Song of the Entry:
Hello Again by Lostprophets
Hello again, why so old?,
Wasn't time your friend? I must be told
Hello again, it seems to long
Since we last met, how has it gone
Don't accept the blame, I would not complain,
'Cause I'm sure it wasn't your own fault
That you never made it out your vault
Just Lock the door, and find some time to scream
To scream again...
Just say "when" and you'll stop the pain of your life,
Bring it to an end.
Just say "when" and you could make amends
Just say Hello, say Hello again...
Hello Again, it's not that hard.
No Dead ends, even with the scars
Don't accept the blame, I would, I would not complain,
'Cause I'm sure it wasn't your own fault
That you never made it out your vault
Just lock the door, and find some time to scream
Just say "when" and you'll stop the pain of your life,
Bring it to an end.
Just say "when" and you could make amends
Just say Hello, say Hello again...
You have no home, you lost your throne, where has it gone?,
Well it could all come back,
But you're being led by the walking dead,
You stumble and you cracked the ground,
You're pinned down...
Just Say "when" you could stop the pain,
Just Say "when", and you could make amends
Just say hello, say Hello Again,
Hello Again, Hello Again, Hello Again, Hello Again, Hello Again,
It's not the end if you just say hello again...
