I Want A Perfect Body, I Want A Perfect Soul

For the record, I told him no
Why?
Alot of reasons
As in, I was leaning towards doing it for all the wrong reasons
Part of it was some weird rebellion towards how I'm viewed
And giving into the bad image my family frequently paints for me
Another part was that I don't have the best self esteem
I don't think I'm very attractive at all
So someone asking me something like that was extremely flattering
I kinda wanted to eat off that feeling
Which is something I realized I did with Mitchell too
Though things with us never went that far
And yeah, I'm more physically comfortable with people then I was back then
But still
And the biggest reason?
I'm a very lonely person
I say I don't want a relationship, that I don't have time for one
It's all bullshit
All I've ever wanted was for someone to love me
This core desire has made me do stupid shit before
At least I caught it before it had a chance
If I done it for those reasons, not only would of it been unfair to me
But it would of been unfair to him too
At least he took it well, didn't seem to mind at all
Hell, he probably forgot the whole conversation
And yes, I do plan on staying friends with him
He's a very nice and considerate guy
Just because he asked that doesn't mean he's just some dirty pervert or something
Hey, everyone has hormones, at least he wasn't trying to push it on me or pressure me or anything
Could of been alot worse
Plus past, slightly similar situations tell me that this stuff ends up fucking with my morals and guilt alot
In a very delayed reaction sort of way
Which just hurts more and more..
I don't know what will happen from here
Whether we'll stay just friends or more or whatever
But I know that as for this moment, I made the right choice for me
Results are subject to change at a later date
I hope I didn't worry anyone
Even I'm overwhlemed by core desires sometimes
I'm glad he told me to think it over
God knows what could of happened if I hadn't
And thanks for the support too
I was so afraid someone was going to judge me or think me a slut or...
I dunno
But everyone seemed very understanding
I needed that

Song of The Entry:

Creep by Radiohead

When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell I'm doing here?
I don't belong here

She's running out the door
She's running out
She runs runs runs

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here