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I don't know what's wrong with me
Normally, I would of been estatic to see Wendy and Jason and their new baby
But alot of the visit was just painful
Some my other aunts and uncles and cousins were there and watching them, I just felt so bitter
I remember watching my five year old cousin Josh with his dad and actually thinking "I was about that age when mine died, why does he get to keep his?"
Really, when did I become so bitter?
So angry?
That I can't even find peace in the happiness of those I love anymore?
I find it happening all the time
With my family, my friends
It's like this vicous thing eating at me
I don't want to feel like this
I shouldn't feel angry that my friend has a mother, and mine is dead
It's not her fault things turned out that way
And when I get this way, I get mean
I'm just waiting for me to start snapping at people, pushing them away, because that's what I do
And all I want really, is just someone to stay with me until it's okay
I just want a hug, someone to hold me
I want my mother back
Hell, I want my father and grandfather back while we're at it
But I'm alone
Why do I always feel so alone?
Surely, this has to go away eventually
I mean, I won't always feel this way I'm sure
I don't want to be left in this bitterness and resentment
I want more than this emptiness
But I'm afraid this is taking over me
And I'm tired of calling people up and complaining
And I'm sure they're sick of it too
God, how many nights in a row have I woken up Meagen in the middle of the night to talk?
I don't really want to think about that
And really, this entry is best to be ignored anyways
Song of the Entry:
Until It Sleeps by Metallica
Where do I take this pain of mine.
I run but it stays right by my side.
So tear me open and pour me out
There's things inside that scream and shout,
And the pain still hates me
So hold me until it sleeps.
Just like a curse, just like a stray.
You feed it once and now it stays,
Now it stays.
So tear me open but beware
There's things inside without a care,
And the dirt still stains me
So wash me until I'm clean.
It grips you so hold me
It stains you so hold me
It hates you so hold me
It holds you so hold me
Until it sleeps.
So tell me why you've chosen me
Don't want your grip
Don't want your greed
Don't want it
Now tear me open make you gone
No more can you hurt anyone,
And the fear still shakes me
So hold me, until it sleeps
It grips you so hold me
It stains you so hold me
It hates you so hold me
It holds you, holds you, holds you until it sleeps
Don't want it want it want it want it want it no
So tear me open but beware
There's things inside without a care,
And the dirt still stains me,
So wash me till I'm clean.
Now tear me open make you gone
No longer will you hurt anyone,
And the hate still shapes me,
So hold me until it sleeps
Normally, I would of been estatic to see Wendy and Jason and their new baby
But alot of the visit was just painful
Some my other aunts and uncles and cousins were there and watching them, I just felt so bitter
I remember watching my five year old cousin Josh with his dad and actually thinking "I was about that age when mine died, why does he get to keep his?"
Really, when did I become so bitter?
So angry?
That I can't even find peace in the happiness of those I love anymore?
I find it happening all the time
With my family, my friends
It's like this vicous thing eating at me
I don't want to feel like this
I shouldn't feel angry that my friend has a mother, and mine is dead
It's not her fault things turned out that way
And when I get this way, I get mean
I'm just waiting for me to start snapping at people, pushing them away, because that's what I do
And all I want really, is just someone to stay with me until it's okay
I just want a hug, someone to hold me
I want my mother back
Hell, I want my father and grandfather back while we're at it
But I'm alone
Why do I always feel so alone?
Surely, this has to go away eventually
I mean, I won't always feel this way I'm sure
I don't want to be left in this bitterness and resentment
I want more than this emptiness
But I'm afraid this is taking over me
And I'm tired of calling people up and complaining
And I'm sure they're sick of it too
God, how many nights in a row have I woken up Meagen in the middle of the night to talk?
I don't really want to think about that
And really, this entry is best to be ignored anyways
Song of the Entry:
Until It Sleeps by Metallica
Where do I take this pain of mine.
I run but it stays right by my side.
So tear me open and pour me out
There's things inside that scream and shout,
And the pain still hates me
So hold me until it sleeps.
Just like a curse, just like a stray.
You feed it once and now it stays,
Now it stays.
So tear me open but beware
There's things inside without a care,
And the dirt still stains me
So wash me until I'm clean.
It grips you so hold me
It stains you so hold me
It hates you so hold me
It holds you so hold me
Until it sleeps.
So tell me why you've chosen me
Don't want your grip
Don't want your greed
Don't want it
Now tear me open make you gone
No more can you hurt anyone,
And the fear still shakes me
So hold me, until it sleeps
It grips you so hold me
It stains you so hold me
It hates you so hold me
It holds you, holds you, holds you until it sleeps
Don't want it want it want it want it want it no
So tear me open but beware
There's things inside without a care,
And the dirt still stains me,
So wash me till I'm clean.
Now tear me open make you gone
No longer will you hurt anyone,
And the hate still shapes me,
So hold me until it sleeps
