Katiepants (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
desertions) wrote2005-03-18 12:49 am
desertions) wrote2005-03-18 12:49 am
I Used To Be The Tight One, The Perfect Fit
Did I mention that being sick makes me like uber-depressed?
Cause it does, gives me too much time to reflect
But a good online/RP friend helped shine some light on some of it
And as I'm lazy, and tired, I'm going to just post the conversation instead of telling you about it
kengeta_kun (9:15:31 PM): Depressed?
ssjprincessbura (9:16:25 PM): Yeah, I tend to get this way when I'm sick, I have nothing better to do then think about things way more then I probably should, which leaves me in a rather melacholy mood alot of the time
kengeta_kun (9:18:03 PM): Hm.. That's not very good. What're you thinking about that's making you so depressed?
ssjprincessbura (9:21:45 PM): Just stuff. Lately it seems like all my friends are getting ready to move on with their lives, and I just seem stuck where I am. I mean, my grades aren't great, I'm probably going to go to community college, assuming the school lets me graduate, which is still up in air. Things haven't been great with my family, so I was really hoping to be able to get away, and now, do to what's moslty my fault, that's probably going to be put on hold. My friends have been going through hard times too, and while I've been there for them, I feel rather alone. The only person who's been really supportive of me is, ironically, my ex-boyfriend's mom. Which is awkward because even though we agreed to be friends, and he's totally over things, I still find myself having feelings for him
ssjprincessbura (9:25:11 PM): Most of the time, I'm able to keep at least some of this at bay, but if I have the time, it all comes rushing back to me, whether I like it or not
kengeta_kun (9:27:26 PM): Those feelings are far too familar... I've probably felt everything you're feeling at this moment. And, you shouldn't worry about none of it. Do what do you in school, I have no doubts that you'll pass. And college is what you make it, Kate... If you want to go away then go to a junior college or community college for maybe a semester or a year. Just long enough for you bring up your grade point average or whatever you'll have to do. There's nothing stopping you, trust me, please? I'll be honest with you.. I dropped out of High School with three months left. Everyone knows I'm smart.. I've proven to be a genius. But without a High School Diploma... And I'm about to get my books published! Despite the fact everyone and their momma wished death on me after I dropped out of high school.
kengeta_kun (9:30:27 PM): Because of my depression and because of my pride.. A bitch calling herself an art teacher had the nerve to tell me I couldn't draw and my pictures weren't art.. Because it wasn't naked angels on the roof of a church! Then, because of my eye troubles busted me out in front of the entire class room talking about I had a mental problem because I get colors that resemble each other mixed.. Blue and purple and so on.. So, because of her I left and disappointed my entire family.. But, I'm so close to rising to the top of the world. Despite the pains of being alone.. Of being abandoned and denied. If I can do it.. No doubt you can pull this off.
kengeta_kun (9:32:35 PM): And man... When I get my money, I'll come to Cali and show you whole 'nother world.. We can both be the people who were denied and rose to the top..
ssjprincessbura (9:34:27 PM): Heh, that would be nice. I dunno, it's funny, my friends always tell me how I'm so strong, because what I've had to deal with, but every once in a while, I get tired of being the strong one. I mean, I know eventually this will pass, it usually does, it just gets frustrating sometimes, cause it feels as if nothing ever works out the way I want it to
kengeta_kun (9:37:09 PM): Sometimes would want to be strong for others and sometimes you want to be strong for yourself and sometimes you want some one to be strong for you...
ssjprincessbura (9:37:51 PM): Most people though who know me, would never guess it, I always act confident, like nothing gets to me, and while I want people to notice that some things do, I refuse to show it at the same time. I feel like a walking contradiction sometimes
kengeta_kun (9:41:19 PM): Well... the best thing I can say is... "After the rain... comes the sun."
ssjprincessbura (9:42:58 PM): Exactly. I mean, I know eventually, it's going to get better, cause I've seen things when they're better, it just sorta sucks while they're not
kengeta_kun (9:44:23 PM): Yeah, good point..
kengeta_kun (9:44:41 PM): It is like that. Just as long as you KNOW better times are coming.
ssjprincessbura (9:46:10 PM): Yep, not to say that I don't every once in a while forget, but I try to keep that in mind, otherwise things will just feel alot worse
ssjprincessbura (9:50:55 PM): Thanks for listening though, I think it helped just being able to talk about some of it
kengeta_kun (9:51:49 PM): I'll help you any way that I can, Kate. It's the least I can do for you.
ssjprincessbura (9:53:17 PM): Thanks, I really appriciate it
kengeta_kun (9:53:58 PM): It's no problem.
ssjprincessbura (9:57:12 PM): Still, it's really nice to hear it, I'm usually the one helping everyone, trying to keep them together, so every once in a while, it's nice to hear that someone will do the same
kengeta_kun (9:58:04 PM): I'll do anything you need me.
ssjprincessbura (9:59:30 PM): Thanks, if I ever need something, I'll be sure to ask, but right now I just needed someone to listen, so, again, thanks
kengeta_kun (10:00:02 PM): I don't have any problems talking if you have some more on your mind.
ssjprincessbura (10:02:35 PM): Eh, not as much. I mean, I guess mostly I've just felt lonely, my best friend goes to college really far away, and I'm not nearly as close to my other friends. I mean, I would die for Meagen, she's more of a sister to me then my actual sister. And my family, I don't think they expect much of me, which has always bothered me, no matter how hard I try to prove myself, it never seems to be enough. Somewhere along the line I was designated the messed up one and no matter how hard I try to change things, it seems to stick.
ssjprincessbura (10:10:31 PM): I mean, I know I'm as smart as the rest of them, probably smarter, but school and that sort of stuff isn't really my thing, it's hard for me to get more then a C average, I get distracted easily, I guess that would be the best way to explain it
kengeta_kun (10:11:17 PM): That's how I am.. My school wasn't challenging enough. I learned too quickly then lost interested and ended up fucking up the course because of that.
ssjprincessbura (10:13:07 PM): Yeah same here. And I'm a little too cocky for my own good, if someone critizes my writing or something (like my teacher for english this year, before I transferred into another class) I just refuse to change things, assuming that they're idiots and don't know what they're talking about
kengeta_kun (10:14:37 PM): Hell, half of them don't know what the hell they're talking about.. I won't allow ANYONE to critisize my writing because I KNOW I'm the best.
ssjprincessbura (10:15:49 PM): Exactly! That's just the way I feel. I know I'm good, hell, half a dozen of my poems have been considered for publication, I helped write the school play last year and I could probably write my own book now, if I so choosed
kengeta_kun (10:19:11 PM): That gives you another reason to push through the critisizm and prove everyone wrong.
ssjprincessbura (10:21:29 PM): Exactly. Brb though, family just came home with dinner
ssjprincessbura (10:34:07 PM): Back
kengeta_kun (10:34:19 PM): Welcome back.
ssjprincessbura (10:34:32 PM): Thanks, hopefully I'll be able to hold stuff down this time
ssjprincessbura (10:37:32 PM): But yeah, I think the reason why I've always tried so hard with everything is because I'm so determined to show people wrong, because I know damn well that they are...
kengeta_kun (10:39:22 PM): Just don't lose track of yourself in the process of trying to prove those people wrong. There's a right way and a wrong way to do it.. And you can do it both ways, trust me.. But, it'll be harder the wrong way.. My way.. So, just be careful.
ssjprincessbura (10:40:24 PM): Yeah, I'm trying to, espically since I have in the past done it the wrong way, which tends to make things harder on myself. I guess the key is balance, keeping my eye on the goal, but not letting that goal comsume me
ssjprincessbura (10:45:02 PM): I sometimes get out of hand, because alot of times, people just don't give credit for the changes I have made, and that can get really frustrating, but I've been trying to keep those impulses to myself because I always end up unconciously self sabotaging myself in the process, which does me no real good
kengeta_kun (10:47:11 PM): You should never change yourself to please another person... I've done it so many times and lost track of who I am.. I've sat down and literally pieced together a personality people would like.. Half the things I do now aren't me.. It's what I've seen from movies or something else.. Some of the things I say.. My smile and smirk.. How I act.. God.. I can't remember what my own personality was before I started changing myself.
ssjprincessbura (10:54:10 PM): I'm very much the same way. When I was younger...people didn't like me much, and that made me not like me much, so I figured changing myself would help. Well, it made others like me, but I ended up disliking myself because I felt fake. So I've tried to break away from that and become myself again, but it's hard, cause I don't really remember who that is anymore
kengeta_kun (10:55:42 PM): I know.. I hated myself until I grew my hair out and got braids.. After my braids.. I became a whole new person because it was a whole new look.. And everyone loved me, then. I had too many females wanting to get with me when I'd grown my hair out.
ssjprincessbura (10:57:05 PM): Heh, for me it was when I cut my hair really short actually, which was about halfway through sophmore year. Made me stand out more I guess, people started noticing me more, and I just sort of lapped it up for a while, but it was weird, because I really wasn't used to it
ssjprincessbura (10:59:53 PM): It probably helped that was around the time where I started dressing in more girl like clothes instead of baggy pants and t-shirts most of the time
ssjprincessbura (11:02:24 PM): Which was, also around the time guys actually started noticing, it's funny what wearing a skirt and more form fitting clothing in general will do for the attention you get
kengeta_kun (11:02:57 PM): Considering how you look? >.>; Can't say I really blame them..
ssjprincessbura (11:07:06 PM): Well, it was definetly a shock to me, I never saw myself as pretty, still don't. I spent most of my life hiding in baggy clothing and long unkempt hair. Then one day, I guess the best way to explain it was I got tired of being overlooked, so I slowly changed my appearance the best I could, in order to change it. I guess it worked.
kengeta_kun (11:07:44 PM): That's the kind of change that's good. Exploring yourself.
ssjprincessbura (11:08:31 PM): Yep. I don't know if the original reasons for it were the best, but the outcome was mostly good, definetly gave me more self confidence.
kengeta_kun (11:09:03 PM): Then the original reason shouldn't matter.
ssjprincessbura (11:09:58 PM): I suppose so. It's funny though, looking at pictures of me back then, it's like looking at a totally different person
kengeta_kun (11:10:22 PM): I saw the same thing when I look at a picture of me before I got braids...
kengeta_kun (11:10:34 PM): Now, there's no way I'm going back to looking like that.
ssjprincessbura (11:11:31 PM): Exactly. Hell, i found some old poetry of mine, written probably at the end of middle school or the beginning of high school, and the changes I found in even just my writing style, let alone ways of thinking were tremendous
kengeta_kun (11:12:56 PM): Mhm.. Same things I did, myself.
ssjprincessbura (11:14:19 PM): Mostly for the better, all things considered. Back then, I really was alone, I isolated myself so much, I was so afraid of everything, I was barely living. At least now, when I fall, I know there's at least a few people who help me get up, and while I still feel sadness, I'm not afraid to feel what joy life might offer me
kengeta_kun (11:16:29 PM): Heh, I like the way you put that. It sounded really good and it's the truth.
ssjprincessbura (11:21:56 PM): That it is. I mean, I used to keep everyone at bay, cause I was convinced that everyone was out to get me. But you know what I learned? Yeah, people might betray you, hurt you, and occassionally break you, but being alone is even worse, but they can also heal you, and help you, and make life better, at least most of the time. Without light there is only darkness. And it is better to have light and deal with the darkness that may come from it then walk alone in the dark
ssjprincessbura (11:24:49 PM): It's not good to be too dependent on people, but it's not good to pull away from them either. I guess I've learned both lessons the hard way
kengeta_kun (11:27:32 PM): We both learned the lessons the hard way, Kate.. Everything you say brings back memories of the things I'd gone through and how I handled all the situations. Too many of them were the wrong way but I'm a natural born rebel. I like it too much to change and believe if I were anything.. It'd be evil. I'm arrogant, I have a huge ego, I'm cocky and cold toward so many people. I help out a lot of people but I'm very vengeful.. Many too vengeful. Anybody who hurts me? I make sure to get them back and make it twice as painful for them. One of my less charming qualities.
ssjprincessbura (11:30:06 PM): It's understandable though, I'm very much the same way, I hold grudges, and depending on the extent of them, some of them I never let go of. And sometimes I just go off at people for no reason because they caught me in a bad mood. I've been rather known for my temper, my friends are literally afriad of saying anything that might offend me because they don't want to get me angry. I never get physically violent or anything, but I can scream and shout like pretty much no one else I know, and there have been times where I've done it just because I like the powerful feeling it gives me
kengeta_kun (11:31:36 PM): Ditto that, except, I'm more the physical type. ^^
ssjprincessbura (11:32:48 PM): I think the only time I got close to being physically violent was when my sister slapped me. And even then, I just ended up screaming myself hoarse.
ssjprincessbura (11:35:45 PM): Or a couple of times, weak girl fighting, like pushing and hair pulling, and scratching, and I think I bit someone once, but never anything all that harmful
kengeta_kun (11:39:05 PM): Bit? o.o;
kengeta_kun (11:39:14 PM): Lol.
ssjprincessbura (11:39:31 PM): >> When I was alot younger. The way preadolescent girls fight things out are just weird.
ssjprincessbura (11:40:42 PM): I'm not all that physically strong though, so I can usually endorse more fear from my yelling them anything I could do to people physically. It's a little scary though, cause sometimes I feel myself almost getting a high off it, but then I feel bad, because I shouldn't
kengeta_kun (11:42:52 PM): It's good inflicting fear upon others.
ssjprincessbura (11:47:15 PM): It is. It's rather empowering
ssjprincessbura (11:49:43 PM): And makes it less likely that people will take advantage of you, usually anyways
kengeta_kun (11:50:33 PM): Everyone hates being screamed at. x.x Lol.
ssjprincessbura (11:51:17 PM): Pretty much. Hell, when I was younger I used to get whatever I wanted because teachers and other adults were so afraid of my temper tantrums
ssjprincessbura (11:54:16 PM): Which I guess isn't the best thing to be proud of but...eh, I take what I can get
kengeta_kun (11:55:14 PM): You were young. Can't expect much more then that.
ssjprincessbura (11:56:47 PM): True. But even now, there are few people I actually can't get angry with. My temper is one of my worst traits, and yet it's one of the few that actually makes me feel in control
ssjprincessbura (12:09:27 AM): It's also one of my defense mechanisms, I still have the urge to push people away alot, use any excuse to hurt them before they can hurt me
ssjprincessbura (12:25:35 AM): Anyways, I think I'm going to head to bed, pretty worn out. Thanks for listening to me Kenny, I'm feeling alot better
kengeta_kun (12:27:37 AM): I'm glad you are.. And good night, Kate.
ssjprincessbura (12:28:00 AM): Thanks, Night. Talk to you tommorow, looks like I'm staying home again
Song of The Entry: (I've used this one before, but hell, I'm using it again, cause A) It's my journal, I can do what I want B) It describes my feeling lately, espically alot of the ones we talked about)
The Perfect Fit by The Dresden Dolls
I could make a dress
A robe fit for a prince
I could clothe a continent
But I can't sew a stitch
I can paint my face
And stand very very still
It's not very practical
But it still pays the bills
I can't change my name
But I could be your type
I can dance and win at games
Like backgammon and life
I used to be the smart one
Sharp as a tack
Funny how that skipping years ahead
Has held me back
I used to be the bright one
Top in my class
Funny what they give you when you
Just learn how to ask
I can write a song
But I can't sing in key
I can play piano
But i never learned to read
I can't trap a mouse
But I can pet a cat
No I'm really serious!
I'm really very good at that
I can't fix a car
But I can fix a flat
I could fix alot of things
But I'd rather not get into that
I used to be the bright one
Smart as a whip
Funny how you slip so far when
Teachers dont keep track of it
I used to be the tight one
The perfect fit
Funny how those compliments can
Make you feel so full of it
I can shuffle cut and deal
But I can't draw a hand
I can't draw a lot of things
I hope you understand
I'm not exceptionally shy
But I've never had a man
That I could look straight in the eye
And tell my secret plans
I can take a vow
And I can wear a ring
And I can make you promises but
They won't mean a thing
Can't you do it for me, I'll pay you well
Fuck I'll pay you anything if you could end this
Can't you just fix it for me, it's gone berserk...
Fuck I'll give you anything if
You can make the damn thing work
Can't you just fix it for me, I'll pay you well,
Fuck I'll pay you anything
If you can end this
Hello, I love you will you tell me your name?
Hello, I'm good for nothing - will you love me just the same?
One of their softier songs, it's really quite lovely
You can watch the video/hear the song on this page http://dresdendolls.com/video/index.htm
Or ask me, and I can email it
Seriously, everyone needs to hear it
In other news, my fever went up
Joy.
Cause it does, gives me too much time to reflect
But a good online/RP friend helped shine some light on some of it
And as I'm lazy, and tired, I'm going to just post the conversation instead of telling you about it
kengeta_kun (9:15:31 PM): Depressed?
ssjprincessbura (9:16:25 PM): Yeah, I tend to get this way when I'm sick, I have nothing better to do then think about things way more then I probably should, which leaves me in a rather melacholy mood alot of the time
kengeta_kun (9:18:03 PM): Hm.. That's not very good. What're you thinking about that's making you so depressed?
ssjprincessbura (9:21:45 PM): Just stuff. Lately it seems like all my friends are getting ready to move on with their lives, and I just seem stuck where I am. I mean, my grades aren't great, I'm probably going to go to community college, assuming the school lets me graduate, which is still up in air. Things haven't been great with my family, so I was really hoping to be able to get away, and now, do to what's moslty my fault, that's probably going to be put on hold. My friends have been going through hard times too, and while I've been there for them, I feel rather alone. The only person who's been really supportive of me is, ironically, my ex-boyfriend's mom. Which is awkward because even though we agreed to be friends, and he's totally over things, I still find myself having feelings for him
ssjprincessbura (9:25:11 PM): Most of the time, I'm able to keep at least some of this at bay, but if I have the time, it all comes rushing back to me, whether I like it or not
kengeta_kun (9:27:26 PM): Those feelings are far too familar... I've probably felt everything you're feeling at this moment. And, you shouldn't worry about none of it. Do what do you in school, I have no doubts that you'll pass. And college is what you make it, Kate... If you want to go away then go to a junior college or community college for maybe a semester or a year. Just long enough for you bring up your grade point average or whatever you'll have to do. There's nothing stopping you, trust me, please? I'll be honest with you.. I dropped out of High School with three months left. Everyone knows I'm smart.. I've proven to be a genius. But without a High School Diploma... And I'm about to get my books published! Despite the fact everyone and their momma wished death on me after I dropped out of high school.
kengeta_kun (9:30:27 PM): Because of my depression and because of my pride.. A bitch calling herself an art teacher had the nerve to tell me I couldn't draw and my pictures weren't art.. Because it wasn't naked angels on the roof of a church! Then, because of my eye troubles busted me out in front of the entire class room talking about I had a mental problem because I get colors that resemble each other mixed.. Blue and purple and so on.. So, because of her I left and disappointed my entire family.. But, I'm so close to rising to the top of the world. Despite the pains of being alone.. Of being abandoned and denied. If I can do it.. No doubt you can pull this off.
kengeta_kun (9:32:35 PM): And man... When I get my money, I'll come to Cali and show you whole 'nother world.. We can both be the people who were denied and rose to the top..
ssjprincessbura (9:34:27 PM): Heh, that would be nice. I dunno, it's funny, my friends always tell me how I'm so strong, because what I've had to deal with, but every once in a while, I get tired of being the strong one. I mean, I know eventually this will pass, it usually does, it just gets frustrating sometimes, cause it feels as if nothing ever works out the way I want it to
kengeta_kun (9:37:09 PM): Sometimes would want to be strong for others and sometimes you want to be strong for yourself and sometimes you want some one to be strong for you...
ssjprincessbura (9:37:51 PM): Most people though who know me, would never guess it, I always act confident, like nothing gets to me, and while I want people to notice that some things do, I refuse to show it at the same time. I feel like a walking contradiction sometimes
kengeta_kun (9:41:19 PM): Well... the best thing I can say is... "After the rain... comes the sun."
ssjprincessbura (9:42:58 PM): Exactly. I mean, I know eventually, it's going to get better, cause I've seen things when they're better, it just sorta sucks while they're not
kengeta_kun (9:44:23 PM): Yeah, good point..
kengeta_kun (9:44:41 PM): It is like that. Just as long as you KNOW better times are coming.
ssjprincessbura (9:46:10 PM): Yep, not to say that I don't every once in a while forget, but I try to keep that in mind, otherwise things will just feel alot worse
ssjprincessbura (9:50:55 PM): Thanks for listening though, I think it helped just being able to talk about some of it
kengeta_kun (9:51:49 PM): I'll help you any way that I can, Kate. It's the least I can do for you.
ssjprincessbura (9:53:17 PM): Thanks, I really appriciate it
kengeta_kun (9:53:58 PM): It's no problem.
ssjprincessbura (9:57:12 PM): Still, it's really nice to hear it, I'm usually the one helping everyone, trying to keep them together, so every once in a while, it's nice to hear that someone will do the same
kengeta_kun (9:58:04 PM): I'll do anything you need me.
ssjprincessbura (9:59:30 PM): Thanks, if I ever need something, I'll be sure to ask, but right now I just needed someone to listen, so, again, thanks
kengeta_kun (10:00:02 PM): I don't have any problems talking if you have some more on your mind.
ssjprincessbura (10:02:35 PM): Eh, not as much. I mean, I guess mostly I've just felt lonely, my best friend goes to college really far away, and I'm not nearly as close to my other friends. I mean, I would die for Meagen, she's more of a sister to me then my actual sister. And my family, I don't think they expect much of me, which has always bothered me, no matter how hard I try to prove myself, it never seems to be enough. Somewhere along the line I was designated the messed up one and no matter how hard I try to change things, it seems to stick.
ssjprincessbura (10:10:31 PM): I mean, I know I'm as smart as the rest of them, probably smarter, but school and that sort of stuff isn't really my thing, it's hard for me to get more then a C average, I get distracted easily, I guess that would be the best way to explain it
kengeta_kun (10:11:17 PM): That's how I am.. My school wasn't challenging enough. I learned too quickly then lost interested and ended up fucking up the course because of that.
ssjprincessbura (10:13:07 PM): Yeah same here. And I'm a little too cocky for my own good, if someone critizes my writing or something (like my teacher for english this year, before I transferred into another class) I just refuse to change things, assuming that they're idiots and don't know what they're talking about
kengeta_kun (10:14:37 PM): Hell, half of them don't know what the hell they're talking about.. I won't allow ANYONE to critisize my writing because I KNOW I'm the best.
ssjprincessbura (10:15:49 PM): Exactly! That's just the way I feel. I know I'm good, hell, half a dozen of my poems have been considered for publication, I helped write the school play last year and I could probably write my own book now, if I so choosed
kengeta_kun (10:19:11 PM): That gives you another reason to push through the critisizm and prove everyone wrong.
ssjprincessbura (10:21:29 PM): Exactly. Brb though, family just came home with dinner
ssjprincessbura (10:34:07 PM): Back
kengeta_kun (10:34:19 PM): Welcome back.
ssjprincessbura (10:34:32 PM): Thanks, hopefully I'll be able to hold stuff down this time
ssjprincessbura (10:37:32 PM): But yeah, I think the reason why I've always tried so hard with everything is because I'm so determined to show people wrong, because I know damn well that they are...
kengeta_kun (10:39:22 PM): Just don't lose track of yourself in the process of trying to prove those people wrong. There's a right way and a wrong way to do it.. And you can do it both ways, trust me.. But, it'll be harder the wrong way.. My way.. So, just be careful.
ssjprincessbura (10:40:24 PM): Yeah, I'm trying to, espically since I have in the past done it the wrong way, which tends to make things harder on myself. I guess the key is balance, keeping my eye on the goal, but not letting that goal comsume me
ssjprincessbura (10:45:02 PM): I sometimes get out of hand, because alot of times, people just don't give credit for the changes I have made, and that can get really frustrating, but I've been trying to keep those impulses to myself because I always end up unconciously self sabotaging myself in the process, which does me no real good
kengeta_kun (10:47:11 PM): You should never change yourself to please another person... I've done it so many times and lost track of who I am.. I've sat down and literally pieced together a personality people would like.. Half the things I do now aren't me.. It's what I've seen from movies or something else.. Some of the things I say.. My smile and smirk.. How I act.. God.. I can't remember what my own personality was before I started changing myself.
ssjprincessbura (10:54:10 PM): I'm very much the same way. When I was younger...people didn't like me much, and that made me not like me much, so I figured changing myself would help. Well, it made others like me, but I ended up disliking myself because I felt fake. So I've tried to break away from that and become myself again, but it's hard, cause I don't really remember who that is anymore
kengeta_kun (10:55:42 PM): I know.. I hated myself until I grew my hair out and got braids.. After my braids.. I became a whole new person because it was a whole new look.. And everyone loved me, then. I had too many females wanting to get with me when I'd grown my hair out.
ssjprincessbura (10:57:05 PM): Heh, for me it was when I cut my hair really short actually, which was about halfway through sophmore year. Made me stand out more I guess, people started noticing me more, and I just sort of lapped it up for a while, but it was weird, because I really wasn't used to it
ssjprincessbura (10:59:53 PM): It probably helped that was around the time where I started dressing in more girl like clothes instead of baggy pants and t-shirts most of the time
ssjprincessbura (11:02:24 PM): Which was, also around the time guys actually started noticing, it's funny what wearing a skirt and more form fitting clothing in general will do for the attention you get
kengeta_kun (11:02:57 PM): Considering how you look? >.>; Can't say I really blame them..
ssjprincessbura (11:07:06 PM): Well, it was definetly a shock to me, I never saw myself as pretty, still don't. I spent most of my life hiding in baggy clothing and long unkempt hair. Then one day, I guess the best way to explain it was I got tired of being overlooked, so I slowly changed my appearance the best I could, in order to change it. I guess it worked.
kengeta_kun (11:07:44 PM): That's the kind of change that's good. Exploring yourself.
ssjprincessbura (11:08:31 PM): Yep. I don't know if the original reasons for it were the best, but the outcome was mostly good, definetly gave me more self confidence.
kengeta_kun (11:09:03 PM): Then the original reason shouldn't matter.
ssjprincessbura (11:09:58 PM): I suppose so. It's funny though, looking at pictures of me back then, it's like looking at a totally different person
kengeta_kun (11:10:22 PM): I saw the same thing when I look at a picture of me before I got braids...
kengeta_kun (11:10:34 PM): Now, there's no way I'm going back to looking like that.
ssjprincessbura (11:11:31 PM): Exactly. Hell, i found some old poetry of mine, written probably at the end of middle school or the beginning of high school, and the changes I found in even just my writing style, let alone ways of thinking were tremendous
kengeta_kun (11:12:56 PM): Mhm.. Same things I did, myself.
ssjprincessbura (11:14:19 PM): Mostly for the better, all things considered. Back then, I really was alone, I isolated myself so much, I was so afraid of everything, I was barely living. At least now, when I fall, I know there's at least a few people who help me get up, and while I still feel sadness, I'm not afraid to feel what joy life might offer me
kengeta_kun (11:16:29 PM): Heh, I like the way you put that. It sounded really good and it's the truth.
ssjprincessbura (11:21:56 PM): That it is. I mean, I used to keep everyone at bay, cause I was convinced that everyone was out to get me. But you know what I learned? Yeah, people might betray you, hurt you, and occassionally break you, but being alone is even worse, but they can also heal you, and help you, and make life better, at least most of the time. Without light there is only darkness. And it is better to have light and deal with the darkness that may come from it then walk alone in the dark
ssjprincessbura (11:24:49 PM): It's not good to be too dependent on people, but it's not good to pull away from them either. I guess I've learned both lessons the hard way
kengeta_kun (11:27:32 PM): We both learned the lessons the hard way, Kate.. Everything you say brings back memories of the things I'd gone through and how I handled all the situations. Too many of them were the wrong way but I'm a natural born rebel. I like it too much to change and believe if I were anything.. It'd be evil. I'm arrogant, I have a huge ego, I'm cocky and cold toward so many people. I help out a lot of people but I'm very vengeful.. Many too vengeful. Anybody who hurts me? I make sure to get them back and make it twice as painful for them. One of my less charming qualities.
ssjprincessbura (11:30:06 PM): It's understandable though, I'm very much the same way, I hold grudges, and depending on the extent of them, some of them I never let go of. And sometimes I just go off at people for no reason because they caught me in a bad mood. I've been rather known for my temper, my friends are literally afriad of saying anything that might offend me because they don't want to get me angry. I never get physically violent or anything, but I can scream and shout like pretty much no one else I know, and there have been times where I've done it just because I like the powerful feeling it gives me
kengeta_kun (11:31:36 PM): Ditto that, except, I'm more the physical type. ^^
ssjprincessbura (11:32:48 PM): I think the only time I got close to being physically violent was when my sister slapped me. And even then, I just ended up screaming myself hoarse.
ssjprincessbura (11:35:45 PM): Or a couple of times, weak girl fighting, like pushing and hair pulling, and scratching, and I think I bit someone once, but never anything all that harmful
kengeta_kun (11:39:05 PM): Bit? o.o;
kengeta_kun (11:39:14 PM): Lol.
ssjprincessbura (11:39:31 PM): >> When I was alot younger. The way preadolescent girls fight things out are just weird.
ssjprincessbura (11:40:42 PM): I'm not all that physically strong though, so I can usually endorse more fear from my yelling them anything I could do to people physically. It's a little scary though, cause sometimes I feel myself almost getting a high off it, but then I feel bad, because I shouldn't
kengeta_kun (11:42:52 PM): It's good inflicting fear upon others.
ssjprincessbura (11:47:15 PM): It is. It's rather empowering
ssjprincessbura (11:49:43 PM): And makes it less likely that people will take advantage of you, usually anyways
kengeta_kun (11:50:33 PM): Everyone hates being screamed at. x.x Lol.
ssjprincessbura (11:51:17 PM): Pretty much. Hell, when I was younger I used to get whatever I wanted because teachers and other adults were so afraid of my temper tantrums
ssjprincessbura (11:54:16 PM): Which I guess isn't the best thing to be proud of but...eh, I take what I can get
kengeta_kun (11:55:14 PM): You were young. Can't expect much more then that.
ssjprincessbura (11:56:47 PM): True. But even now, there are few people I actually can't get angry with. My temper is one of my worst traits, and yet it's one of the few that actually makes me feel in control
ssjprincessbura (12:09:27 AM): It's also one of my defense mechanisms, I still have the urge to push people away alot, use any excuse to hurt them before they can hurt me
ssjprincessbura (12:25:35 AM): Anyways, I think I'm going to head to bed, pretty worn out. Thanks for listening to me Kenny, I'm feeling alot better
kengeta_kun (12:27:37 AM): I'm glad you are.. And good night, Kate.
ssjprincessbura (12:28:00 AM): Thanks, Night. Talk to you tommorow, looks like I'm staying home again
Song of The Entry: (I've used this one before, but hell, I'm using it again, cause A) It's my journal, I can do what I want B) It describes my feeling lately, espically alot of the ones we talked about)
The Perfect Fit by The Dresden Dolls
I could make a dress
A robe fit for a prince
I could clothe a continent
But I can't sew a stitch
I can paint my face
And stand very very still
It's not very practical
But it still pays the bills
I can't change my name
But I could be your type
I can dance and win at games
Like backgammon and life
I used to be the smart one
Sharp as a tack
Funny how that skipping years ahead
Has held me back
I used to be the bright one
Top in my class
Funny what they give you when you
Just learn how to ask
I can write a song
But I can't sing in key
I can play piano
But i never learned to read
I can't trap a mouse
But I can pet a cat
No I'm really serious!
I'm really very good at that
I can't fix a car
But I can fix a flat
I could fix alot of things
But I'd rather not get into that
I used to be the bright one
Smart as a whip
Funny how you slip so far when
Teachers dont keep track of it
I used to be the tight one
The perfect fit
Funny how those compliments can
Make you feel so full of it
I can shuffle cut and deal
But I can't draw a hand
I can't draw a lot of things
I hope you understand
I'm not exceptionally shy
But I've never had a man
That I could look straight in the eye
And tell my secret plans
I can take a vow
And I can wear a ring
And I can make you promises but
They won't mean a thing
Can't you do it for me, I'll pay you well
Fuck I'll pay you anything if you could end this
Can't you just fix it for me, it's gone berserk...
Fuck I'll give you anything if
You can make the damn thing work
Can't you just fix it for me, I'll pay you well,
Fuck I'll pay you anything
If you can end this
Hello, I love you will you tell me your name?
Hello, I'm good for nothing - will you love me just the same?
One of their softier songs, it's really quite lovely
You can watch the video/hear the song on this page http://dresdendolls.com/video/index.htm
Or ask me, and I can email it
Seriously, everyone needs to hear it
In other news, my fever went up
Joy.