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You know, as much as it kills me to admit this, it hurts that my sister hasn't tried once to contact me since I got here, pratically three weeks ago.
Hell, she didn't even call me before I left, or visit like she promised to.
And I shouldn't be suprised
I shouldn't be hurt
I know better by now.
Or I should anyways.
Sheena always pulls this sort of shit.
I need to just get it through my stupid thick skull that she doesn't care.
Not about me anyways.
And it's so damn frustrating, with half my family telling me to give her a chance all the time.
How many chances, exactly, am I supposed to give her?
How many times do I let her let me down before it's too much?
People don't get it, my sister has never been there for me. Ever.
Not even when our fucking mother died. Not even then did she support me.
She has never treated me more then, at best, an afterthought.
Something she occasionally remembers when she's not busy with the rest of her life.
Growing up, she always treated me like the plague, like her life would be so much better without me, and without our Mother too.
And even when she was a fucking drug dealer, she still thought she was better then me. That my problems couldn't possibly be legitimate, because apparntly, I had it easy.
How the fuck would she know?
It's not like she was ever around. Ever.
Even when I was in my darkest places, she was nothing but cruel to me.
And yay, she cleaned up, isn't drug dealing anymore, huzzah for her, but why does my family act like that alone is going to fix our relationship?
It's not like she's ever, ever apologized. Or tried to fix things.
She still ignores me and treats me like shit. Fuck, last Mother's day, she was threatening to spill to the whole family that I was Bi just because she was mad at me. And she knows that I took a big step, confining that in her.
How manyu betrayels does it take for it to be okay to throw in the towel?
When am I allowed to just give up?
Because I am sick of this. I am tired of being hurt by her.
I've spent most of my life, living in her shadow, seeing the family suppor her the way they never do me, hoping she might just pay some fucking attention to me or something.
..Even I have my limits.
Maybe I am cold to her. Maybe I am bitter.
But maybe, just maybe, I have some right to be.
Song of the Entry:
Passive by A Perfect Circle
Dead as dead can be,” my doctor tells me
But I just can’t believe him, ever the optimistic one
I’m sure of your ability to become my perfect enemy
Wake up and face me, don’t play dead cause maybe
Someday I will walk away and say, “You disappoint me,”
Maybe you’re better off this way
Leaning over you here, cold and catatonic
I catch a brief reflection of what you could and might have been
It's your right and your ability
To become…my perfect enemy…
Wake up (we'll catch you) and face me (come one now),
Don’t play dead (don't play dead)
Cause maybe (because maybe)
Someday I’ll (someday I'll) walk away and say, “You disappoint me,”
Maybe you’re better off this way
Maybe you’re better off this way
Maybe you’re better off this way
Maybe you’re better off this way
You’re better of this; you’re better off this;
Maybe you’re better off!
Wake up (can't you) and face me (come on now),
Don’t play dead (don't play dead)
Cause maybe (because maybe)
Someday I’ll (someday I'll) walk away and say, “You fucking disappoint me!”
Maybe you’re better off this way
Go ahead and play dead
I know that you can hear this
Go ahead and play dead
Why can't you turn and face me?
Why can't you turn and face me?
Why can't you turn and face me?
Why can't you turn and face me?
You fucking disappoint me!
Passive aggressive bullshit
Hell, she didn't even call me before I left, or visit like she promised to.
And I shouldn't be suprised
I shouldn't be hurt
I know better by now.
Or I should anyways.
Sheena always pulls this sort of shit.
I need to just get it through my stupid thick skull that she doesn't care.
Not about me anyways.
And it's so damn frustrating, with half my family telling me to give her a chance all the time.
How many chances, exactly, am I supposed to give her?
How many times do I let her let me down before it's too much?
People don't get it, my sister has never been there for me. Ever.
Not even when our fucking mother died. Not even then did she support me.
She has never treated me more then, at best, an afterthought.
Something she occasionally remembers when she's not busy with the rest of her life.
Growing up, she always treated me like the plague, like her life would be so much better without me, and without our Mother too.
And even when she was a fucking drug dealer, she still thought she was better then me. That my problems couldn't possibly be legitimate, because apparntly, I had it easy.
How the fuck would she know?
It's not like she was ever around. Ever.
Even when I was in my darkest places, she was nothing but cruel to me.
And yay, she cleaned up, isn't drug dealing anymore, huzzah for her, but why does my family act like that alone is going to fix our relationship?
It's not like she's ever, ever apologized. Or tried to fix things.
She still ignores me and treats me like shit. Fuck, last Mother's day, she was threatening to spill to the whole family that I was Bi just because she was mad at me. And she knows that I took a big step, confining that in her.
How manyu betrayels does it take for it to be okay to throw in the towel?
When am I allowed to just give up?
Because I am sick of this. I am tired of being hurt by her.
I've spent most of my life, living in her shadow, seeing the family suppor her the way they never do me, hoping she might just pay some fucking attention to me or something.
..Even I have my limits.
Maybe I am cold to her. Maybe I am bitter.
But maybe, just maybe, I have some right to be.
Song of the Entry:
Passive by A Perfect Circle
Dead as dead can be,” my doctor tells me
But I just can’t believe him, ever the optimistic one
I’m sure of your ability to become my perfect enemy
Wake up and face me, don’t play dead cause maybe
Someday I will walk away and say, “You disappoint me,”
Maybe you’re better off this way
Leaning over you here, cold and catatonic
I catch a brief reflection of what you could and might have been
It's your right and your ability
To become…my perfect enemy…
Wake up (we'll catch you) and face me (come one now),
Don’t play dead (don't play dead)
Cause maybe (because maybe)
Someday I’ll (someday I'll) walk away and say, “You disappoint me,”
Maybe you’re better off this way
Maybe you’re better off this way
Maybe you’re better off this way
Maybe you’re better off this way
You’re better of this; you’re better off this;
Maybe you’re better off!
Wake up (can't you) and face me (come on now),
Don’t play dead (don't play dead)
Cause maybe (because maybe)
Someday I’ll (someday I'll) walk away and say, “You fucking disappoint me!”
Maybe you’re better off this way
Go ahead and play dead
I know that you can hear this
Go ahead and play dead
Why can't you turn and face me?
Why can't you turn and face me?
Why can't you turn and face me?
Why can't you turn and face me?
You fucking disappoint me!
Passive aggressive bullshit
