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Things have been pretty bad these past few weeks -- well I mean, they've been bad for months now, but new kinds of bad, I guess. The isolation is definitely not doing any of us any good. There's five of us in the house. My cousins, Jason and Wendy, gave up their bedroom so I could move in when my grandma died, and they sleep in the living room now. I feel like Wendy has begun to resent it -- even though it was something she offered and insisted was okay. I know it's been really hard on them not having their own space....but the hostility just makes me feel unwelcome and like I have to stay in my room.
Which is not great.
Last night I went to get water and when I did Wendy was in the kitchen and she seemed annoyed I was there -- because she and Jason were fighting -- which I hadn't heard, if I had I would have stayed in the room. But I just felt so guilty and uncomfortable I went to my room and waited to come back out later to get my water.
I get that money is tight, it's stressful having two teens home all the time suddenly too but I just...I don't know. I miss living someplace where I didn't feel like I had to walk around on eggshells all the time. I miss feeling like I have a phone. And I've talked to my sister a little about it and about finding another solution -- but that can't really happen until lockdown/isolation is lifted....and who knows when that will be. I just hate feeling like I'm taking up space or getting in people's way. I help with groceries and utilities. I clean around the kitchen, cook a lot of meals, I contribute. I'm trying my best but I still feel like an outsider. It reminds me a lot of when I was a kid, and not in a good way.
I'm just so sad and lonely all the time. I cried more of yesterday than I didn't. And it's supposed to rain most of this week which means even going out for walks to get out of the house...will be hard.
At least my classes start back up this week, though digitally now. It's not much, but it's something. Some structure that might be helpful. I don't know. Things have been so relentless since December on. I'm just so fucking tired.
Which is not great.
Last night I went to get water and when I did Wendy was in the kitchen and she seemed annoyed I was there -- because she and Jason were fighting -- which I hadn't heard, if I had I would have stayed in the room. But I just felt so guilty and uncomfortable I went to my room and waited to come back out later to get my water.
I get that money is tight, it's stressful having two teens home all the time suddenly too but I just...I don't know. I miss living someplace where I didn't feel like I had to walk around on eggshells all the time. I miss feeling like I have a phone. And I've talked to my sister a little about it and about finding another solution -- but that can't really happen until lockdown/isolation is lifted....and who knows when that will be. I just hate feeling like I'm taking up space or getting in people's way. I help with groceries and utilities. I clean around the kitchen, cook a lot of meals, I contribute. I'm trying my best but I still feel like an outsider. It reminds me a lot of when I was a kid, and not in a good way.
I'm just so sad and lonely all the time. I cried more of yesterday than I didn't. And it's supposed to rain most of this week which means even going out for walks to get out of the house...will be hard.
At least my classes start back up this week, though digitally now. It's not much, but it's something. Some structure that might be helpful. I don't know. Things have been so relentless since December on. I'm just so fucking tired.
