Katiepants (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
desertions) wrote2005-07-26 04:45 am
desertions) wrote2005-07-26 04:45 am
The Voices Are Infesting Up Through The Floorboards And They're Murmuring Murder Me....
Okay, my last post was rather harsh
I suppose it's time I flesh things out a bit
My mom died a week ago, and we're not sure exactly how
It seems like it was peaceful though
I, however, have been nothing but peaceful
My mind has been in overdrive.
Everything and anything has been reminding me of her
I don't sleep during the night, and sleep alot during the day
When I'm not sleeping, I'm frantically calling Meagen or various other people just because I can't keep thinking of things
Nights are the worst
Like tonight, I was trying to do my homework, and I realized I had my final tommorow, and I couldn't even get myself to care
All I could think of was my mother
and how horrible I was to her
My grandma was up to get a glass of water, and ended up having to talk me down from hysteria for nearly an hour
I feel like I can't beat this
Everyone tells me that I'm so strong, and that get through this
But I just don't know if that's true
I don't think I can be strong anymore
I feel weak, and only a shell of myself
It's hard even to be with my friends, yet I do it, because I'm so fucking terrified of being alone
I can't help but think I should be the one dead
I know that sounds horrible, but it's true
I don't deserve the support I got
In the last year, I avoided and riducled my mother most of the time
I pratically belittled her existance
And now she was taken away from me, and I can't help but think I deserved it
That if I had been a better daughter, she might of lived longer
What if it had been intentional?
And if it was, what if my behavior had been the one to push her over the edge?
I only wanted her to be happy, and I couldn't even do that
I spent so long trying to be strong for her, because she needed me
And now's she gone
And I want nothing but to pull away from anyone
I don't deserve these friends, this support, any of this
I should just be left to rot
I want to think I can rise above this, and learn to be better
But I'm so tired of fighting
Maybe I'm not so strong after all
Song of the Entry:
Thirty Whacks by The Dresden Dolls
thirty licks with a belt - playing tricks on myself
and i wonder if everyone else is this way
a succession of tests a triumphant success
each time it’s still intact at the end of the day
thirty drops in a glass - keep my temper and pass
with my breath held you bastards i’ll get you! but then -
its not really so bad, there’s still mom there’s still
damage to do before they wrest the axe from my heads
its no mystery: you should obviously go
before i break everything
you’re always telling me that youre dying to know
but you’re not really listening
how do i manage to station myself in harms way
and only get hit with a ticket for loitering
that i have no means to pay - and no strength to argue
the voices are infesting up through the floorboards and they’re
murmuring murder me
if i could shut them out just for an hour i swear
i could stop this catastrophe
thirty day guarantee
but that can’t include me
after all i’m at home in this childproof world
no sharp corners or glass
no small objects or plastic bags
please, these are death to a delicate girl
its no mystery - you should obviously know
that i’ll destroy everything
so dont keep telling me that youre dying to know
cause you’ll get what youre asking for
how can it be that i still put myself in harms way
and only get hit with a ticket for loitering
that i have no means to pay - what kind of place is this?
now all the voices are screaming this just isnt fair
but i’ve got a fool proof plan
if i can get them alone for an hour i swear
it’ll look like an accident
i could be decent yet
i’ll make up for everything
i could be president....
I suppose it's time I flesh things out a bit
My mom died a week ago, and we're not sure exactly how
It seems like it was peaceful though
I, however, have been nothing but peaceful
My mind has been in overdrive.
Everything and anything has been reminding me of her
I don't sleep during the night, and sleep alot during the day
When I'm not sleeping, I'm frantically calling Meagen or various other people just because I can't keep thinking of things
Nights are the worst
Like tonight, I was trying to do my homework, and I realized I had my final tommorow, and I couldn't even get myself to care
All I could think of was my mother
and how horrible I was to her
My grandma was up to get a glass of water, and ended up having to talk me down from hysteria for nearly an hour
I feel like I can't beat this
Everyone tells me that I'm so strong, and that get through this
But I just don't know if that's true
I don't think I can be strong anymore
I feel weak, and only a shell of myself
It's hard even to be with my friends, yet I do it, because I'm so fucking terrified of being alone
I can't help but think I should be the one dead
I know that sounds horrible, but it's true
I don't deserve the support I got
In the last year, I avoided and riducled my mother most of the time
I pratically belittled her existance
And now she was taken away from me, and I can't help but think I deserved it
That if I had been a better daughter, she might of lived longer
What if it had been intentional?
And if it was, what if my behavior had been the one to push her over the edge?
I only wanted her to be happy, and I couldn't even do that
I spent so long trying to be strong for her, because she needed me
And now's she gone
And I want nothing but to pull away from anyone
I don't deserve these friends, this support, any of this
I should just be left to rot
I want to think I can rise above this, and learn to be better
But I'm so tired of fighting
Maybe I'm not so strong after all
Song of the Entry:
Thirty Whacks by The Dresden Dolls
thirty licks with a belt - playing tricks on myself
and i wonder if everyone else is this way
a succession of tests a triumphant success
each time it’s still intact at the end of the day
thirty drops in a glass - keep my temper and pass
with my breath held you bastards i’ll get you! but then -
its not really so bad, there’s still mom there’s still
damage to do before they wrest the axe from my heads
its no mystery: you should obviously go
before i break everything
you’re always telling me that youre dying to know
but you’re not really listening
how do i manage to station myself in harms way
and only get hit with a ticket for loitering
that i have no means to pay - and no strength to argue
the voices are infesting up through the floorboards and they’re
murmuring murder me
if i could shut them out just for an hour i swear
i could stop this catastrophe
thirty day guarantee
but that can’t include me
after all i’m at home in this childproof world
no sharp corners or glass
no small objects or plastic bags
please, these are death to a delicate girl
its no mystery - you should obviously know
that i’ll destroy everything
so dont keep telling me that youre dying to know
cause you’ll get what youre asking for
how can it be that i still put myself in harms way
and only get hit with a ticket for loitering
that i have no means to pay - what kind of place is this?
now all the voices are screaming this just isnt fair
but i’ve got a fool proof plan
if i can get them alone for an hour i swear
it’ll look like an accident
i could be decent yet
i’ll make up for everything
i could be president....