Katiepants (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
desertions) wrote2007-03-13 12:48 pm
desertions) wrote2007-03-13 12:48 pm
Saiyuki!Fic: If I Died
Title: If I Died
Characters: Gojyo and Hakkai. Genfic, but I guess if you squinted enough, there’s hintings.
Rating: Pg-13 for talks of childhood abuse, sex, and cursing.
Summary: Gojyo comes home drunk one night, and after overhearing certain things, Hakkai has some questions. This basically came from the idea in my head of how Gojyo ended up telling Hakkai about his mother. This was originally supposed to be a drabble, but ended up being longer. Weee. I suck at summaries. A special thanks to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
no_martyr for helping me to figure out where to go with it. This obviously takes place before the journey and after the Burial Arc.
Hakkai knew there was something wrong when the redhead stumbled into the apartment, completely smashed. Yes, Gojyo often came home drunk, but usually, it was never this bad. As he went to the other’s side, and wrapped his arm around the other’s waist, he heard a soft murmur of words.
“…Mother…I’m sorry”
The brunette blinked his eyes slowly. He would have to ask later, when Gojyo was in better shape. Of course, that was assuming the other wanted to tell. He had often theorized to himself that the reason the other had such bad habits (smoking, drinking, gambling, casual sex, etc.) was because he was trying to run from something. But this was the first time he had ever had any sort of hint of what that something could be. He had figured it was just the normal stress of being a half breed.
Now he was beginning to think it was something much worse.
But Hakkai kept these thoughts to himself as he carefully led Gojyo to the bed, tucking him in. Once the other was settled, he turned to leave, to go to bed himself, when he felt a tug on his shirt, pulling him into the bed. Strong arms wrapped around his waist, and one word was whispered into the night. It sounded much like a child calling for a parent or loved one. Desperate. Weak. A tone of weakness that was usually never found in the redhead’s voice.
“Stay”
So he did.
The next morning, he got up before Gojyo, and fixed coffee, setting a cup on the side of the bedside table, along with two aspirin. He then went about making breakfast as he waited for the redhead to wake up.
It was a while after Gojyo had woken up (coffee, breakfast and aspirin all long gone) before he finally spoke to the other.
“Sorry. Didn’t mean to come home so shit faced”
Hakkai smiled pleasantly, like he often did in such situations. “It’s fine Gojyo. May I ask what happened to put you in such a state?”
Gojyo stiffened slightly. This wasn’t something he normally told people. But….Hakkai wasn’t most people, was he? He was…a friend. Someone he could honestly trust. Hakkai had told him about Kanan…maybe he could finally tell someone about his mother. And Jien.
“Some chick commented about my hair. Which really pissed me off. I don’t like when people talk about my hair color. Makes me think too much,” The kappa pulled out a cigarette, lighting it up and taking a drag before continuing. “My Mother used to always rant about my hair. She…wasn’t really my mother. Step mother. I was the bastard kid her husband had with some human tramp. She was stuck with raising me though. She always said the color reminded her of blood. Of the color of the blood of the filthy woman who stole her love away.” He paused her, taking another inhale of cigarette.
Hakkai just sat there, quietly listening and nodding. What else could he do?
“She used to cry all the time. I couldn’t do anything right. But as much as she hurt me, I didn’t care. I just wanted her to be happy.” He laughed dryly. “Even when she tried to kill me…all I could think was that if my death caused her to stop crying, then I’d be better off dead. But…I guess Jien, my brother, didn’t think so. He ended up killing her right as she was about to kill me. And you want to know the fucked up part? Part of me was angry at him for doing it.”
“…I had no idea,” Hakkai commented softly. He for once did not have the right words to say.
“It’s not like it’s something I advertise,” Gojyo replied with a shrug of his shoulders. He was trying his best to act like talking about it wasn’t a big deal.
“Drinking excessively like that isn’t going to make it go away,” Hakkai finally commented. He sounded a bit more condescending then he had meant to, but he was concerned. Surely such habits would lead to his companion’s demise.
“Didn’t expect it to.”
“Then why do you do it? Do you get drunk like that every time something reminds you of…that?”
“Mostly. Or I fuck something until I can’t think straight. Or a combination. Or sometimes, I’ll go looking for a fight.” Gojyo talked casually, as if this was a normal part of life. And for him, it was. Just because he suddenly had this new guy living with him didn’t mean he was going to change.
Gojyo smashed out of the rest of the cigarette. “Why do you care anyways? I thought we agreed to stay out of one another’s business. I mean, I appreciate the help you gave with the whole Banri thing and all, but you don’t need to mother me every time something goes wrong. I’m a big boy. I can take care of myself.”
Hakkai bit his tongue from arguing and just nodded. “Of course Gojyo. Next time I won’t bother being concerned when you collapse at the door. Perhaps I should just leave you in the cold then. Where you could die. Is that what you want?”
The next answer was simple.
“Yes.”
Hakkai wasn’t one to loose his temper, but he would be lying if he tried to claim that that reply did not anger him whatsoever. “Why? Why do you want that?”
“It’s not that I want it,” Gojyo amended. “But it’s just, I don’t really care whether I die or live. Never have.”
Hakkai’s voice was like ice. “And you just assume no one else would care?”
Gojyo shrugged his shoulders. “Pretty much.”
“That’s very self involved of you.” It was almost terrifying, Gojyo later decided, how Hakkai could speak in a perfectly calm voice and still portray just how angry and disappointed he was with you.
“Oh, are you trying to say you’d care then, if I died?” It was a challenge as much as a question. He wondered if Hakkai would pick up on that. Probably. Hakkai had an annoying tendency to pick up on pretty much everything.
“…Do you honestly think I stay here only because I have no place else to go?”
Gojyo shrugged his shoulders sheepishly. “Yeah, I guess I sort of did. Why? Should I be thinking differently?”
Hakkai put it in simple terms, for once. “I don’t associate with people I dislike on a regular basis. So the fact that I live with you, of all things, must signify that I would care whether you died or not”
“I dunno, I thought maybe you felt you owed me for saving your life.” Gojyo looked awkward now. Like a kid trying to avoid being punished.
A calm, eerie smile. “Don’t you think that debt would have been repaid once I had in turn, saved your life from those thugs Banri had left you with?”
The redhead looked down, rubbing the back of his neck in embarrassed fashion. “Yeah. I guess so.”
“So one can assume that I am here because for whatever reason, I like you and enjoy your company.”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
“Then it would be perfectly understandable that I might be angry to find you slowly drinking yourself to death, no matter what the reasons might be,” Hakkai’s voice softened ever so slightly before saying the next part. “You may not care whether you die, but I do.”
Gojyo, to put it simply, looked like a deer caught in the headlights. That he had not been expecting. He just looked down, once again playing the part of an oversized sheepish child.
“…I’ll try to be more careful next time.”
“That’s all I ask.”
Characters: Gojyo and Hakkai. Genfic, but I guess if you squinted enough, there’s hintings.
Rating: Pg-13 for talks of childhood abuse, sex, and cursing.
Summary: Gojyo comes home drunk one night, and after overhearing certain things, Hakkai has some questions. This basically came from the idea in my head of how Gojyo ended up telling Hakkai about his mother. This was originally supposed to be a drabble, but ended up being longer. Weee. I suck at summaries. A special thanks to
no_martyr for helping me to figure out where to go with it. This obviously takes place before the journey and after the Burial Arc.Hakkai knew there was something wrong when the redhead stumbled into the apartment, completely smashed. Yes, Gojyo often came home drunk, but usually, it was never this bad. As he went to the other’s side, and wrapped his arm around the other’s waist, he heard a soft murmur of words.
“…Mother…I’m sorry”
The brunette blinked his eyes slowly. He would have to ask later, when Gojyo was in better shape. Of course, that was assuming the other wanted to tell. He had often theorized to himself that the reason the other had such bad habits (smoking, drinking, gambling, casual sex, etc.) was because he was trying to run from something. But this was the first time he had ever had any sort of hint of what that something could be. He had figured it was just the normal stress of being a half breed.
Now he was beginning to think it was something much worse.
But Hakkai kept these thoughts to himself as he carefully led Gojyo to the bed, tucking him in. Once the other was settled, he turned to leave, to go to bed himself, when he felt a tug on his shirt, pulling him into the bed. Strong arms wrapped around his waist, and one word was whispered into the night. It sounded much like a child calling for a parent or loved one. Desperate. Weak. A tone of weakness that was usually never found in the redhead’s voice.
“Stay”
So he did.
The next morning, he got up before Gojyo, and fixed coffee, setting a cup on the side of the bedside table, along with two aspirin. He then went about making breakfast as he waited for the redhead to wake up.
It was a while after Gojyo had woken up (coffee, breakfast and aspirin all long gone) before he finally spoke to the other.
“Sorry. Didn’t mean to come home so shit faced”
Hakkai smiled pleasantly, like he often did in such situations. “It’s fine Gojyo. May I ask what happened to put you in such a state?”
Gojyo stiffened slightly. This wasn’t something he normally told people. But….Hakkai wasn’t most people, was he? He was…a friend. Someone he could honestly trust. Hakkai had told him about Kanan…maybe he could finally tell someone about his mother. And Jien.
“Some chick commented about my hair. Which really pissed me off. I don’t like when people talk about my hair color. Makes me think too much,” The kappa pulled out a cigarette, lighting it up and taking a drag before continuing. “My Mother used to always rant about my hair. She…wasn’t really my mother. Step mother. I was the bastard kid her husband had with some human tramp. She was stuck with raising me though. She always said the color reminded her of blood. Of the color of the blood of the filthy woman who stole her love away.” He paused her, taking another inhale of cigarette.
Hakkai just sat there, quietly listening and nodding. What else could he do?
“She used to cry all the time. I couldn’t do anything right. But as much as she hurt me, I didn’t care. I just wanted her to be happy.” He laughed dryly. “Even when she tried to kill me…all I could think was that if my death caused her to stop crying, then I’d be better off dead. But…I guess Jien, my brother, didn’t think so. He ended up killing her right as she was about to kill me. And you want to know the fucked up part? Part of me was angry at him for doing it.”
“…I had no idea,” Hakkai commented softly. He for once did not have the right words to say.
“It’s not like it’s something I advertise,” Gojyo replied with a shrug of his shoulders. He was trying his best to act like talking about it wasn’t a big deal.
“Drinking excessively like that isn’t going to make it go away,” Hakkai finally commented. He sounded a bit more condescending then he had meant to, but he was concerned. Surely such habits would lead to his companion’s demise.
“Didn’t expect it to.”
“Then why do you do it? Do you get drunk like that every time something reminds you of…that?”
“Mostly. Or I fuck something until I can’t think straight. Or a combination. Or sometimes, I’ll go looking for a fight.” Gojyo talked casually, as if this was a normal part of life. And for him, it was. Just because he suddenly had this new guy living with him didn’t mean he was going to change.
Gojyo smashed out of the rest of the cigarette. “Why do you care anyways? I thought we agreed to stay out of one another’s business. I mean, I appreciate the help you gave with the whole Banri thing and all, but you don’t need to mother me every time something goes wrong. I’m a big boy. I can take care of myself.”
Hakkai bit his tongue from arguing and just nodded. “Of course Gojyo. Next time I won’t bother being concerned when you collapse at the door. Perhaps I should just leave you in the cold then. Where you could die. Is that what you want?”
The next answer was simple.
“Yes.”
Hakkai wasn’t one to loose his temper, but he would be lying if he tried to claim that that reply did not anger him whatsoever. “Why? Why do you want that?”
“It’s not that I want it,” Gojyo amended. “But it’s just, I don’t really care whether I die or live. Never have.”
Hakkai’s voice was like ice. “And you just assume no one else would care?”
Gojyo shrugged his shoulders. “Pretty much.”
“That’s very self involved of you.” It was almost terrifying, Gojyo later decided, how Hakkai could speak in a perfectly calm voice and still portray just how angry and disappointed he was with you.
“Oh, are you trying to say you’d care then, if I died?” It was a challenge as much as a question. He wondered if Hakkai would pick up on that. Probably. Hakkai had an annoying tendency to pick up on pretty much everything.
“…Do you honestly think I stay here only because I have no place else to go?”
Gojyo shrugged his shoulders sheepishly. “Yeah, I guess I sort of did. Why? Should I be thinking differently?”
Hakkai put it in simple terms, for once. “I don’t associate with people I dislike on a regular basis. So the fact that I live with you, of all things, must signify that I would care whether you died or not”
“I dunno, I thought maybe you felt you owed me for saving your life.” Gojyo looked awkward now. Like a kid trying to avoid being punished.
A calm, eerie smile. “Don’t you think that debt would have been repaid once I had in turn, saved your life from those thugs Banri had left you with?”
The redhead looked down, rubbing the back of his neck in embarrassed fashion. “Yeah. I guess so.”
“So one can assume that I am here because for whatever reason, I like you and enjoy your company.”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
“Then it would be perfectly understandable that I might be angry to find you slowly drinking yourself to death, no matter what the reasons might be,” Hakkai’s voice softened ever so slightly before saying the next part. “You may not care whether you die, but I do.”
Gojyo, to put it simply, looked like a deer caught in the headlights. That he had not been expecting. He just looked down, once again playing the part of an oversized sheepish child.
“…I’ll try to be more careful next time.”
“That’s all I ask.”