desertions | Well You Sure Picked A Day, They Think I'm Crazy

It's funny, how I find myself feeling nostalgic about the time I spent in the hospital back in May. At least there...I felt safe. I didn't have to worry about responsibilities and letting people down and the millions of other thoughts that seem to be constantly flooding my brain. I was able to just be. I wonder sometimes if I should have taken the advice of my doctors there, and not gone to school. But where would I have gone? I didn't want to stay in that house, and it seemed like coming here,going to school was my only escape. A silly thought, I guess. But I felt so...trapped. In some ways I still do. I wonder if the house was really the trap or if it's something deeper inside me. All I know if that for the first time in a long time, I felt safe there. I cried when they told me I had to go home. I didn't want to deal with the real world. Some days? I still don't.

I hate when people tell me I just need to not dwell on things and not think about it so much. That I need to be happier, more cheerful, because lord knows, I try. I try to joke around and laugh and pretend things don't get to me as much as they do because I don't want to bring anybody else down with me. But don't act like this is easy. If this was easy to fix, don't you think I would have fixed it by now? Who the hell would chose to feel like this?

And you know, comparatively, there's not much bad going on in my life. Small things, like the break up and adjusting, but nothing huge. Even the initial pain of things with the break up I find healing over, and I know our friendship will survive, but somehow, it doesn't feel like enough. I wanted to go to college, to be on my own, didn't I? So what am I so afraid of? Why is there this overwhelming feeling of loss and inability to cope? I wish I knew. It keeps me up more often then I'd like to admit.

And I'm not writing this because woe is me or anything dramatic, it's just it's 7 am, I'm feeling thoughtful, and I feel like writing down my thoughts. Nothing more, and nothing less. Better out than in, right? But I guess...if you've never been truly depressed, if you've never dealt with anxiety and all this stuff, this is hard to understand.

I don't know. I'm rambling. Probably a sign I should go lie down and attempt some sleep.

Everything For Free by K's Choice

I don't know who you are
But you seem very nice
So will you talk to me
Shall I tell you a story
Shall I tell you a dream
They think I'm crazy
But they don't know that I like it here
It's nice in here, I get everything for free

Have you been here before
Shall I show you around
It's very pretty
Have you come here to stay
Well, you sure picked a day
My name is Billy
It's my birthday, you're invited to my party down the hall

Where I go, what I'll become or who I am or what I'll be
I'll never know, but I am sure that I'll get everything for free

I'm not troubled or sad
I'm just ready for bed
It's been a long day
Before they switch off the lights
It truly was a delight
They think I'm crazy
But they don't know that I like it here
It's nice in here

Where I go, what I'll become or who I am or what I'll be
I'll never know, but I am sure that I'll get everything for free

Where I go, what I'll become or who I am or what I'll be
I'll never know, but I am sure that I'll get everything for free
Everything for free

I don't know who you are
But you seem very nice
So will you talk to me
Have you been here before
Well, you sure picked a day
They think I'm crazy
.