And The Rain Falls On The Wrong Year And It Won't Leave You Alone

[desertions]

Hi everybody (hi, doctor nick)

I wish I could say I was doing better. I'm not, really, but I'm hopefully going to get there soon. I'm going to see a new psychiatrist to talk about going back on medication, at least for a while. My depression has gotten to a point where it's really impeding on my ability to function and my will to live -- which sounds dramatic when I type it out but there we go.

I mean, it's not all bad. In July I got to go to Hawaii which was really nice if not bittersweet because originally it was supposed to be a graduation present. So. A little awkward. But I tried to enjoy it as much as possible. Sometimes that meant sitting on a beach side by myself crying which makes me think I should be in some sort of teen drama or something but there you go. I'm trying, and that's something.

I'm probably not going to take the exams again until the spring. I was supposed to retake them this fall and I'm in now shape to study the way I need to, let alone perform under that kind of pressure. We only get two chances to take it and I want to do it again with the best possible results, which in this case might mean taking time off to take care of myself. But I am going to talk to the disabilities office and see what kind of accommodations I can get for my anxiety -- something I should have done a long time ago.

In my inability to do much else I've been lying in bed and consuming a lot of media. I finally finished Harry Potter and the Cursed Child (which while some of it was a little silly it was not nearly the disaster out of context spoilers made it out to be). I also watched season 3 of Bojack Horseman (probably the worst show to watch when already depressed but oh well, misery loves company sometimes, at least I'm not as destructive as Bojack), the first season of Mr. Robot (which I really liked more than I expected despite my favorite female character dying in like the first six episodes or so) and the first season of Stranger Things (which was more enjoyable than I expected though I am not quite into it as much as some people are. I liked Nancy a lot though -- probably partly because the actress who played her looks eeringly like Crystal Reed).

I also watched The Little Prince and it was really beautiful and I am still so bitter it didn't get theater release here.

That's most of it, I guess. I'm not doing great but I'm trying to do better. Some days, that's easier than others.

Comments

[alamo]

i'm so glad you put that (hi, doctor nick) in there, because i immediately read that phrase in his voice.

and that's not dramatic. you're being honest about what you're going through, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that or recognizing that you're at a place where you need assistance beyond your own dwindling willpower. trying is really all you can do sometimes, and i really admire that you don't stop trying. you're determined; you're a fighter, and i don't know if i could say that i would be so resilient were i in your position, so i must make this comment awkward by saying i applaud you, even if applause isn't something you feel you deserve right now. (but you do. you really do.)

you enjoying hpcc makes me want to give it a try once i finish up with the books i'm working my way through presently. and you're the first person who hasn't immediately launched into being intensely (emphasis on intensely) into stranger things. i've been hanging back from giving it a try myself, because of co-workers who talked about it like they were hyperventilating teens at a one direction concert. hype can be a turnoff. :/ but i'm glad you enjoyed it!

[desertions]

I literally can't say or hear hi everybody without following it up with hi, doctor nick. I have watched too many episodes of the Simpsons in my life for that to be possible.

It's always a little strange when someone tells me how resilient I seem because it's something I really struggle to see in myself sometimes (especially lately). But I appreciate it. I figure if I have gotten myself this far in life I can't give up now, tempting as the idea feels sometimes.

hpcc was pretty fun. It was an easy read, which is what I needed, and most of the characterization choices were pretty good and honestly I think at this point if the internet is shitting itself over something in rage I'm probably going to like it. I don't know that I would have started stranger things if my friend hadn't put it on while she was over but it was enjoyable. I def thing it's not as amazing as a lot of people are making it out to be -- I'm glad I got to watch it before the hype got totally out of control, as it's wont to do.

[alamo]

that can be strange (or even hard) to hear, i know. i've heard it myself in troubled times and had moments where i looked at the complimentor like they had three heads for daring to think that someone like me could possibly be considered resilent or strong in any way, especially when i was such an utter wreck. but that doesn't make it any less true, and i found myself looking back like wow, i really held on when it would have been so easy to let go and say fuck it. i see what they were seeing, now. i hope that you're able to reflect back in much the same way. ♥

yep. pretty much my pov at this point. if the internet hates it, i will love it. see: super and dceu.