I can sorta relate to this expert.....

The larger issue, the one that sends me to the dictionary of philosophy, if I had one, is the idea of acting like myself. Where do my hands go when I'm myself? Are they in my pockets? I frankly can't remember. I have a tought time just being myself, you know, at parties and such. I start talking to someone and suddenly I know I am no longer myself, that some other self has taken over.

The less active the body, the more active the mind. I have been sitting for days, and my mind made this curious excursion into a tangential problem: Let's say my shopping list contsists of two items: Soy sauce and talcum powder. Soy sauce and talcum powder could not be more dissimilar. Soy: tart and salty. Talcum: smooth and silky. Yet soy sauce and talcum powder are both available at the same store: the grocery store. Airplanes and automobiles, however, are similar. Yet if you went to a car lot and said, "These are nice, but do you have any airplanes?" they would look at you like you're crazy.

So here's my point. The question I'm flipping around -what it means to act like myself- is related to the soy sauce issue. Soy and talc are mutually exclusive. Soy is not talc and vise versa. I am not someone else, someone else is not me. Yet we're available at the same store. The store of existence. This is how I think, which vividly illustrates Mensa's loss.

-The Pleasure of My Company by Steve Martin

There's some scary truth to this

The Great LiveJournal Outage of 2005 During the outage I cried like a little girl. What did you do? Brought to you by geek-foo

Yet Another Meme Brought Via Teh Suu-chan

Sum up your opinion or impression of me in one word.

Then post this sentence in your journal.

But As Bad As I Am I'm Proud Of The Fact That I'm Worse Than I Seem

What am I looking for?
What do I want out of life?
Lately I seem obbessed with this question
As the world continues to change it sucks me in
Everything I was sure of, few though they were, have been shaken
Nothing makes sense anymore
I used to see everything in black and white
But this grey I see now is suffacating
I want to change things back
But I can't
And there are people who need me
Who love me
Who I sometimes abuse
And still they love me
Shouldn't that be enough?
Shouldn't knowing people care be enough?
But it isn't
I can whisper to myself that I'm loved and still end up crying because I feel so alone
Is there a defect in me?
Why now?
Couldn't it of waited?
How can I worry about school work when I feel my world slipping away from me
Why me?
God, I know I sound so pathetic, so emo, but still, why me?
Why is it always me?
I just want to be happy
I want to see in colors instead of grey
I want to stop crying almost everyday
I want to stop the demons whispering in my head
I want to run away from myself
I want...release

Maybe someday I'll find the thing or person who can save me

Song of the Entry:

Grey by Ani Difranco

the sky is grey
the sand is grey
and the ocean is grey

and i feel right at home
in this stunning monochrome
alone in my way

i smoke and i drink
and every time i blink
i have a tiny dream

but as bad as i am
i'm proud of the fact
that i'm worse than i seem

what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want and still i want more
maybe some tiny shiny key
will wash up on the shore

you walk through my walls
like a ghost on tv
you penetrate me

and my little pink heart
is on its little brown raft
floating out to sea

and what can i say
but i'm wired this way
and you're wired to me

and what can i do
but wallow in you
unintentionally

what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want and still i want more
maybe some tiny shiny key
will wash up on the shore

regretfully
i guess i've only got three
simple things to say:
why me?
why this now?
why this way?
with overtones ringing
and undertows pulling away
under a sky that is grey
on sand that is grey
by an ocean that's grey

what kind of paradise am i looking for?
i've got everything i want
and still i want more
maybe some tiny shiny key
will wash up on the shore