I Don't Think I Am Strong Enough To Do This Much Longer. God, I Wish I Was Stronger

I don't sleep easily anymore.
And when I do, it's vivid. Bright, flashing colors, loud noises, but no details
I sometimes wake up paniced, in a sweat, with chest pains, and no clue why
It's almost becoming a common occurance.

Being awake isn't much better
I feel constantly on edge from the lack of sleep, and something else
I feel almost paranoid
Even when I'm with my friends, I can't relax
I can't help but feel like something's coming
And if I let my guard down again, then I'm just a fool.

I feel a constant sadness pulling at me, weighing me down
And I try to ignore it, reminding myself of all the good I have
But it doesn't help, it makes me lethargic
All I want to do is lie down and watch television and avoid almost everyone.
I try to force myself out, but the whole time, I find myself wondering when it'll be over

And I just want an instant fix
Something to numb this..raging ocean of fear and pain that crashes within me so much
Distractions aren't helping
And I don't like where my thoughts have been going lately

But I know that won't happen.
It may sound cynical, but life doesn't always get better.
Sometimes, nothing can help, and all you can do is grin and bare it.
Sometimes, the hardest thing is getting out of bed in the morning. (or afternoon, in my case)

I can't help but feel dissapointed in myself
This is not how I meant to end up
So weak...and powerless feeling.
I wanted to be so strong, so successful
So loved
But I haven't even begun to acheive any of that.

Time to attempt sleep again.

Song of the Entry:

( Wish I May by Ani Difranco )

..I guess this is growing up

Dear Self,
You are NOT calling or writing Meagen.
Nothing will come of it but more pain.
Things are not fixable.
You cut your losses, remember?
So why are you still so hung up about it?
You lost her, get over it
Shit happens.
Maybe you'd feel better if you'd actually get rid of that letter she wrote and all those pictures she drew for you
Fuck, this is not your fault.

...Cheer up, emo Katie.

Love always, me